Yesterday evening the kids and I were driving in the car listening to a Christian comedian we love sing a song about Delilah (Samson) that is humorous. I’ve heard it many times and never thought another thing about it. I’ve taught on Samson in my years volunteering in children’s ministry. Once I even had a little boy draw Samson depicted with guns for arms because he was so strong. 🤣

In a split moment yesterday though, I heard “we can’t have all the Lord wants for us when we are chasing/pining after Delilah.”

Ouch.

Samson was chosen of the Lord. He was gifted to be set apart as a someone who saved Israel from the hands of the Philistines.

God’s hand upon him came with instructions for Samson and his mother to follow. A covenant of sorts.

Samson was someone the Philistines did not look kindly upon because he accomplished feats no man should be able to (striking down 1000 men with a donkey jawbone for example). Samson didn’t do this in his own great strength but rather in partnership with the Lord – every act attributed to Samson is preceded by the same phrase “then the spirit of the Lord rushed upon him.”

Yet, in the midst of all of this, Samson came to love a woman. Delilah.

Delilah was a double agent. The Bible doesn’t say whether or not she loved Samson but does say she was employed by the Philistines to find Samson’s weakness (and we can safely deduce she didn’t love him based on the biblical description of love).

Samson loved and perused the very thing that was set to unravel and destroy him.

Despite the many signs/hints of betrayal.

Despite the obvious lack of trust.

Despite the manipulation Delilah used against him.

“And she said to him, “How can you say, ‘I love you,’ when your heart is not with me? You have mocked me these three times, and you have not told me where your great strength lies.””
‭‭Judges‬ ‭16‬:‭15‬ ‭ESV‬‬

I read this and clearly identify “manipulation and guilt with a clear depiction of your own betrayal – three times attempting to betray Samson.” And I ask myself “Why would he keep telling her things.” Then there’s the next verse.

“And when she pressed him hard with her words day after day, and urged him, his soul was vexed to death.”
‭‭Judges‬ ‭16‬:‭16‬ ‭ESV‬‬

And the start of verse 17 “And he told her all his heart…”

Samson loved her. He was blind to the negatives tied to her. He seemed to believe, even after multiple betrayals that she was a safe place to tell his heart…because she was consistent in her pursuits to unravel him and it vexed him.

As an outsider looking in, I think “Samson, what is wrong with you?!? You could have spent your time and energy connecting with the Lord and allowing him to pour into you and truly received all he had for you instead of trusting someone who clearly doesn’t have your best interest at heart.”

And yet, we do the exact same thing.

We sometimes exchange what the Lord has for us for empty promises. We sometimes exchange who God tells us we are to chase broken ideals and standards the world puts in place.

Samson became the entertainment for the very people the Lord intended him to free himself and others from. (“And when their hearts were merry, they said, “Call Samson, that he may entertain us.” So they called Samson out of the prison, and he entertained them. They made him stand between the pillars.” Judges‬ ‭16‬:‭25‬ ‭ESV‬‬)

BUT what the Philistine people did not understand is that our God is a God of redeeming grace. He is a God that works in the background. In the midst of Samson’s downfall, there is a scripture tucked away not seeming significant…until it was – “But the hair of his head began to grow again after it had been shaved.” Judges‬ ‭16‬:‭22‬ ‭ESV‬‬

You see, Samson trusted someone he shouldn’t have with vital information and it was his undoing. But that wasn’t the end.

“Then Samson called to the Lord and said, “O Lord God, please remember me and please strengthen me only this once, O God, that I may be avenged on the Philistines for my two eyes.” And Samson said, “Let me die with the Philistines.” Then he bowed with all his strength, and the house fell upon the Lords and upon all the people who were in it. So the dead whom he killed at his death were more than those whom he had killed during his life.”
‭‭Judges‬ ‭16‬:‭28‬, ‭30‬ ‭ESV‬‬

There was redemption in Samson’s story when he surrendered again. “O Lord God, please remember me…”

What is your modern day Delilah?

The thing you’re chasing after that is outside of your calling and purpose? Maybe it’s a job or promotion, a relationship, a title, a “next best ____”, a physical gain. Perhaps it’s a spiritual assignment you’re trapped in comparison and trying to attain for yourself. Perhaps it’s none of those.

Delilah should have been a warning bell but was actively pursued instead.

We need to ask the Holy Spirit to reveal “Delilah(s)” in our own lives. What is pulling us away disguised as “good?”

Maybe you feel stuck because you’re already in a season of reaping following a Delilah path.

There is redemption still yet – all that is required is surrender.

❤️

Yesterday, I was getting ready for work and very suddenly heard “The church is more focused on fear tied to the opinion of man than on the opinion of God.”

And I stopped what I was doing.

This week has been different than my usual, if I’m honest. I’ve had so many things on my mind related to work that it’s been a constant loop in my brain. And at the point of my morning when I would normally be spending time with the Lord yesterday morning, instead I was quietly picking apart work scenarios.

Until the Lord interrupted me.

Immediately, I began to pick this concept apart instead.

We, as Christians, have gotten to a place where we are more entranced in what others say/think than we are for if these same actions are pleasing to the heart of our Father. If you read that sentence and thought “really? I don’t know if that’s true,” do any of these resonate with things you’ve thought recently?

1. Did they like my prayer/post/song/gift/etc?
2. Does that sound okay? I don’t want to offend someone.
3. Will people relate to this?
4. Are people going to think I’m crazy?

We are sometimes trapped in holding ourselves to a standard that society tells us should be upheld instead of clinging to the principles provided to us in the Word of God.

I’m not talking about whether or not we’re participating in what some might consider “blatant sin.” I’m outlining the little things (which are actually big things).

– What is our heart posture throughout the day?

– What thoughts are we entertaining?

– What are we using our leisure time for?

– Where is our treasure?

Some friends and I have been talking about how there have felt like big shifts lately. Drawing us back to simpler things. A return to our “first love” without the gimmick or elaborate add ons.

A heart after his own heart.

Focusing on moving in a way that furthers the Kingdom.

Loving others. TRULY.

Worshipping from our hearts for who HE IS and not for WHAT HE PROVIDES.

All for HIS glory and none of our own.

None of those things happen because we have likes on a social media post, or because sister Sally tells us we did a good job, or because our names are praised for how “good” we are.

“For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭7‬:‭18‬ ‭ESV‬‬

We can’t live our lives held to a standard the world upholds. Just because so-and-so does it or says it’s okay, doesn’t mean it is.

Eternity isn’t measured by approval of anyone around us. It’s measured by the standard of the Lord.

We’ve lost our zeal.

We’ve lost our zest.

We’ve lost our saltiness.

We may feel the approval or disapproval of man quicker in our day-to-day, but I assure you it isn’t lasting.

Approval of the crowd was never the point.

We have to seek the heart of God. We have to allow him to rekindle our spark. To restore our zest so we can provide flavor into the world around us.

More than anything else, we need to seek HIS approval.

“The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe. Many seek the face of a ruler, but it is from the Lord that a man gets justice.”
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭29‬:‭25‬-‭26‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Not in a way that we throw care to the wind and use “only God can judge me” as an excuse to forget that love encompasses the two greatest commandments we’ve been given.

“And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭22‬:‭37‬-‭40‬ ‭ESV‬‬

No, we need to align our hearts to HIS heart so that as we interact with others, we remember his commandments and act accordingly. We need to remember it isn’t the approval or disapproval of others we will be accountable for, but our own actions.

We need to spend time in the secret place allowing ourselves to be pruned and developed. Chastised when we need it.

We need to ensure we’re approaching chastisement with repentant hearts and above all ensure the words of our mouths and the meditations of our hearts are pleasing to the Lord.

We can’t live in fear of lack of approval of man.

We must live in holy reverence of being found lacking of God’s approval.

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight.”
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭9‬:‭10‬ ‭ESV‬‬

❤️

My son is learning to drive with his learners permit. The thing I’ve noticed (and corrected) most is his responding with “I know.”

We’ve had multiple discussions about how he actually doesn’t know and that’s why he’s learning. I’ve realized what I’m actually working to instill in him is gaining experience to add to his knowledge.

You see, sometimes we have factual information that makes us feel assured in our “knowing.” What we don’t have is practical application to reinforce the how.

Knowledge is something we, as a society, strive to collect. What we don’t always value as much is wisdom. Knowledge is factual. I can read about something, take tests around it and maybe even be deemed proficient.

Wisdom comes from something deeper. Wisdom comes from experiencing something first hand. Trying it, potentially failing, finding exactly where the pivots are needed or what worked to make it successful. Wisdom isn’t something we get from reading books but in the learning that follows as we are teachable.

So often, we “learn” something factually and we feel like we “KNOW.” No one can teach us more about it (and maybe no one needs to). THIS is where we get ourselves into trouble.

I think this title has easily been the theme of my relationship with God for the last few years. I grew up in church, had amazing leaders in my life who loved me and helped build a solid foundation in Christ, I learned all of the dos and don’t dos. Knew my expectations. Followed the rules. Knew its relationship and not religion.

I still rebelled as a young adult. I KNEW what was best for myself. I’m thankful, God kept me even in that season (though I definitely sowed lots of things I had to reap) and I did eventually return to what I’d been raised in.

There have been things that I’ve just KNOWN my whole life. Things I’ve declared publicly and loudly (sometimes that I haven’t even realized how hurtful they’ve been to people I love around me who were battling the things I was declaring a stance on).

“When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.”
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13‬:‭11‬-‭12‬ ‭ESV‬‬

That’s the thing about wisdom…it changes us. It allows us to see things from multiple viewpoints.

Now, when we throw the Lord into the mix…and gain heavenly wisdom…THAT is when we are starting to align our hearts to the heart of the Father. When we begin to look, think, talk, act more like Jesus.

When we begin to understand things don’t look like what we’ve always thought (or “known”) them to.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.”
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭3‬:‭5‬-‭7‬ ‭ESV‬‬

When we get to experience loving other people because their actions don’t define their potential or their identity. God did.

When we get to see that sometimes religion holds us to a standard that God never intended to be the focus.

When we get to understand that we aren’t called to judge other people not because we don’t have the capability to do it and call it love but because loving someone means recognizing I’m just as flawed but pointing to the one who makes me less so.

Loving someone means acknowledging that even Barabbas (who was the worst of the worst) was loved by God. Even Barabbas had the potential to be redeemed, if he so chose.

Loving someone means learning that the Lord does the saving. The Lord does the work in us. The Lord qualifies us and restores our brokenness . It’s our job to love and point to him.

I think about the woman at the well. Jesus had an appointment with her she wasn’t aware of. He came to her, knowing all she had done but yet knowing all she was created for and that she was living less than that. She’d accepted less than she deserved in him. She’d adapted to what society told her she was worthy of now. She disqualified herself because she “knew” it was true. Until she didn’t.

Until she met Jesus, who didn’t define her by what she’d done or cry for “justice” against her. Who told her what made all the difference. That there was a better way. That she could have living water that satisfied the ache she was searching to fill, who made her the first public proclaimer of his coming.

We have to be teachable.

We have to be willing to unlearn what we “know.”

To allow our spiritual eyes to have scales removed and operate in what the Lord is calling us toward.

That’s how we reach a dying world. Not from soapboxes. Not from diatribes. Not from harsh words spoken in righteous justification.

To round out my scripture from Corinthians – the very next verse is:

“So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13‬:‭13‬ ‭ESV‬‬

❤️

Y’all ever LOVE to do something but also find yourself not doing it to your fullest ability? Like maybe you’re insecure about what you look like doing it, or someone else shows up and they seem “better at it” than you? Maybe someone else said something to you?

Since I was a little girl, I have LOVED to sing and more than just sing, I’ve loved to praise the Lord.

My worship time in my prayer closet has always been the closest I feel like I encounter the Lord. I’ve been gifted with worship and I always know I can seek out an audience with the Lord in my worship moments.

That same thing that has brought me such freedom in private also became something that was difficult in public, at times,

For many years, I’ve held microphones on a stage. I used to put myself in a back corner and hide, holding my microphone. Sometimes I’d be overcome and get a bold streak, but mostly, I liked to hide back there and not be too loud.

Told myself I was being humble. (I’ve made a post about humility and hiding already – and there’s a difference).

I told myself my voice is meant to support and not to lead.

Often, when the Lord gives me a Word in my spirit, I share it with y’all. But sometimes….I know it’s just for me and I tuck it away.

Back in 2020, I did just that and I found it recently. I had sang on stage, tucked back in my corner, came off stage and immediately got chastised.

“You’re shackled in your worship.”

And I stopped and had the moment of “but I lift my hands, I cry, I experience you.”

And I heard “I’ve called you to lead worship. To use that platform to usher in the presence of my spirit and you stop yourself for fear of sounding wrong. For fear of unworthiness.”

And it wrecked me.

“I have called you and made you worthy. From a child, I’ve called you unto me in song. It’s placed inside of you and your heart. Let go. Step in to the freedom of the calling you have. Let me work without your thoughts, without your parameters, without your fears.”

I remember I sat there and I cried in ny seat. I don’t remember what sermon was shared that day. Couldn’t tell you if I took notes or not.

“Commune with me. Press into me. Move through the freedom of what I’ve given you to do. 

I have proven myself faithful. You have had need of testing me and I’m always faithful. 

Let go of your notions. Let go of your fear. Let go of your unworthiness. Just let go and see where I will lead.”

And I felt bold.

Until I didn’t.

It wasn’t immediately a lesson I heeded. It wouldn’t be for a few more years that I would finally let go of what it sounds like and comparing myself to anyone else.

As a matter of fact, it’s been in the last two years. As God has healed and transformed me following my divorce. As he’s taken all of the brokenness I’d accepted and the diminished pieces of myself and he’s renewed, restored, and rebuilt.

I worship without a thought to whether or not it’s pretty (both to hear and to watch 🤣).

You know what I’ve learned?

The enemy isn’t ignorant to what our giftings are. He isn’t surprised by what God has placed within us with purpose. As a matter of fact, he works to oppress the very place that your most powerful ministry can flow.

Fear.

Insecurity.

Complacency.

Comparison.

If he can replace your freedom, your obedience, your surrender with these things…he can keep you distracted from fully stepping in to your purpose. Distracted from fully operating in what you’re meant for.

I was watching a previous recording of our live stream last night because I just felt led to. As a rule, I don’t do this. EVER. I watched though, and I cried and cried seeing myself worship on stage.

In the front.

Hand lifted high.

Bouncing around.

Shackle free.

Not for myself in the slightest.

Not for my neighbors or anyone in the congregation.

Just me and God.

If you find yourself in a similar position as I described. Bogged down from your full purpose with fear, insecurity, unworthiness, complacency, confusion, comparison, etc. – I challenge you, just as the Lord did me…

Let go of your notions. Let go of your fear. Let go of your unworthiness. Just let go and see where HE will lead.

There is freedom in surrender.

There is restoration in obedience.

None of what we are called to do is about US. Not a single gifting we have is for our own glory or self-edification.

It’s not about you/me/us.

It’s only HIM. For his glory, for his kingdom, for his honor.

When we let go, we can’t even fathom how much he has waiting for us.

❤️

I’m weird. I know this. Anyone who spends time around me knows this.

What I’ve learned is that people either embrace my weird and love me all the more for it (these are MY people) or they don’t. Neither is right or wrong, just true for how people operate.

I’ve talked before about how I love and show up for people.

The Lord often reminds me that my biggest testimonies have come from places of victory from failures or traumas in my life. My loving people was birthed in that place.

When I love you – I love you with my whole authentic self. I show up – I encourage, I bake, I write cards, I make space for you, I dedicate time for you, I share things, and I make sure that you don’t lose sight of all the things that make you amazing.

I don’t know how to do that any less. I wouldn’t want to.

At times, I’ve been told that is “too much.” That it can be overwhelming.

For many years, I worked to make myself smaller so I could be more easily digestible. So I could not be overbearing to someone.

What I’ve learned as I’ve grown in wisdom is that I’m not for everyone. Not everyone I have loved has been capable of loving me in return.

This also means that there are sometimes individuals I show up for that aren’t meant to stay forever. Perhaps they need an example of that kind of love, perhaps they need to understand what it looks like when someone stays, perhaps it’s for reasons I may never understand.

Sometimes I love people more than they love me.

Sometimes I love people who can’t love me.

Sometimes I love people who celebrate my weird and match it with their own.

You know what I’ve learned in each of these spaces?

To love people anyway.

I know the Lord often places people in my path that need someone to show up. So I do and I’ll continue to do so.

Some seasons are hard to let go of and take an emotional toll on me but I’m grateful for each of those spaces, regardless of the time period.

A few weeks ago, I was praying over a situation that I’ve been struggling to understand. A situation that sometimes breaks my heart and yet I know I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

I was crying out to the Lord and asking why in the world my heart bleeds the way it does when it sometimes breaks so completely because of it. Without pause, I heard “the way you love people is one of the most beautiful things about you.” (Please don’t read this and think I think too highly of myself, know that I am aware this has so little to do with me and all points to Jesus).

There have been times when I’ve not understood why I keep showing up for someone society tells me I should let go of. BUT until I discern my assignment is completed and I’m released, I show up.

“But Teresa, you can’t show up for other people when you should be looking out for yourself.” The reality is, I’d agree if my hope was in protecting myself. However, my hope isn’t in my own strength; my hope is in the Lord and I know he guards my heart much more fiercely than I ever could.

Jesus said that our greatest commandment is to love the Lord with all our heart, soul, and mind. Our second greatest is to love our neighbor as ourself. (Matthew 22:36-39)

Jesus also defined who our neighbor is in the story of the Good Samaritan. When a man is helped – not his kinsman, or a priest, but his societal enemy. (Luke 10:25-37)

This doesn’t make sense to carnal minds.

Why would we be called to put ourselves second and then to love others as much as we love ourselves? Society’s message is to look out for number one (me, myself, and I).

One of the things I’ve also learned in situations that break my heart – sometimes my heart breaks because I’m looking at a situation from a lens of my own experience and forgetting not everything is about me. We aren’t always right – we don’t see all of the pieces at play.

I recently had to apologize and offer forgiveness to a friend of mine because the Holy Spirit made me aware that I was carrying hurt from a one-sided set of expectations from over a year ago. I realized it was present after I was emotionally triggered by something that didn’t make sense for me to be upset about.

We weren’t called to love others once we know what they’re going through.

We weren’t called to love others after we ask them enough questions to decipher they’re worthy of love.

We are just called to love.

To show up.

To trust the Lord has our best interest at heart and follow his leading, knowing he has a plan for our good.

To trust he sees all of the pieces we do not.

To be willing to be obedient, knowing that our loving others is bigger than ourselves. That when we show up for someone else, we are the hands and feet of Jesus.

As a clarification – I’m not claiming the Lord wants us to stay in places of abuse or remove the ability to set boundaries when there is an unhealthy situation and call that love. Wisdom and discernment are imperative and abuse is never orchestrated or approved by the Lord. There are situations where boundaries are warranted and loving someone from a distance without providing them direct access is necessary. We must each use discernment, wisdom, and wise counsel, when necessary, as we seek out the heart of God in our lives and actions.

❤️

Over the last year, the Lord has done much work and preparation in my heart. As any good Father does, this preparation has also come with warnings to heed.

There have been two recurring themes:

1. He has a plan
2. Don’t be distracted

I find it no coincidence that the more I press in to pray about stepping into things, the more distractions pop up.

As I have reached stages in my walk this year where I’ve been pressing into more of Jesus, there never fails to be something that pops up and serves to distract me.

Work.

Relationships with others.

Ministry.

The places that I care most about – my family and friends.

Many years ago, a friend and I went to a Todd Agnew worship event in Kingsport. I can’t tell you the songs we sang but I can tell you this one story he told. It has stayed with me.

He said the Lord had been having him research sheep, because we are sheep in the flock and he is our shepherd. He said he assumed God had him researching sheep because they’re fluffy and cute, they’re useful and provide resources in their wool, they stick together, etc.

Instead as he researched sheep and spoke with a farmer who started to give him attributes of sheep. 1. They’re smelly 2. They don’t always listen like they should 3. They are dumb.

That third one was actually one he wanted to explore, so he asked for an explanation. The farmer told him that sheep are often so singularly focused they become consumed with the task at hand. For instance, they start eating and they don’t pay attention to their proximity to the other sheep, they just eat grass and find more grass (and repeat).

Meaning sometimes they are busy doing something and don’t look up. When they don’t look up, they can become separated from the flock and find themselves in need of rescue (cause, again, sheep are dumb).

Sound familiar? It has stayed with me for 10+ years because I saw the similarity between myself and sheep in that moment.

In my own experience, I don’t always realize there’s a distraction at play at first (sneaky snooks).

I simply become absorbed with the task at hand and suddenly, I look up and here I am. Not necessarily separated but sometimes withdrawn and a bit closed off to others. Somehow now off to the side of the purposeful area I once stood. Sometimes in a place that may leave me discouraged, broken, or feeling a bit out of sorts.

The same way that sheep was never meant to be where they are, neither am I (or you).

You know what’s beautiful though?!?

Jesus.

He’s a shepherd that will leave the 99 to find the 1 who wandered off and bring them back to their place of purpose (just like a physical sheep farmer will do for one in his flock).

So if you find yourself today in a place you’re not certain of, maybe you were heads down and just looked up wondering where you are, maybe you drifted knowingly and aren’t sure how to move forward, maybe you found yourself in another situation entirely – cry out. Your shepherd will hear you, he will meet you where you are, he will find you and bring you right back.

You’re never too far, too lost, too distracted.

Luke 15:4-7

❤️

When I was a pre-teen/ teenage girl, I can remember being asked a series of questions pretty often by adults.

1. How many boyfriends do you have?
2. What do you want to be when you grow up?
3. How are you doing in school?

It was usually in that order, in my experiences. I don’t know if it’s just a different time and generation but I don’t hear that first question asked of my daughter much (and I’m grateful for that).

I can remember being pretty young and praying for my future boyfriend/spouse. Praying to meet them, praying over what they might be like, praying to meet “the one God had for me.”

I have never been what society considers to be traditionally “pretty.” When I was younger, “skinny” for my body type still wasn’t society’s skinny and I always felt like I was failing at being attractive because I didn’t fit the mold that the early 2000s “fat” culture (hello ultra low rise jeans) told me I should.

Eventually, I grew out of that mindset. I went to college. I dated. (Though I was a heathen at this time in my life, so I wasn’t living in a way that was in pursuit of what God had for my life in any capacity).

Looking back at my preteen, teenage and sometimes even early adult years, I realize I was focused on the wrong thing. I prayed for this magically assigned/appointed person to be provided to me. When that didn’t happen, I again felt like I’d failed.

The reality is I should have always been praying the Lord prepare ME. Prepare MY heart. Mold ME. Shape ME in HIS image.

That way, I would have the fruit I needed to discern when someone was a wise choice. To recognize when someone aligned to the Lord in a way that would honor HIM (and me by proxy).

It’s not a secret I was previously married. I’ve spoken about revelations the Lord has provided to me out of the ashes of my failed marriage over the last two years (and he is continuing to do so).

I’ve been praying for the past two years. Praying for several things to come to fruition but initially, I was praying my laundry list of attributes the Lord must want me to have in a partner. I’d pray, not with the intention of being a kid making a Christmas list, but perhaps it sounded that way to the Lord. 😂

I remember about a year ago, I was praying about some of these pieces and praying specifically about how I would want to be loved by my future partner and the Lord said to me:

“You don’t even let me love you that way.”

And I stopped.

What does that mean? How could little old me “let” God love me or not. God LOVES me. I know that.

And he does.

But God will never force me to accept the vastness of his love. So while I’ve always known he loves me, he sent his son to die and save me so I can be with him forever, he has plans for my life, he works things to my good, there’s grace, there’s mercy, there’s so many things…BUT I was never letting him love ME.

All the pieces of ME.

The broken parts that were left behind from a childhood of feeling unwanted that I held together in my own hands.

The jagged pieces I kept out of the spotlight because they aren’t “pretty enough” to showcase.

The quiet pieces that still silently questioned whether or not I was ever going to be enough.

The shiny pieces that have been polished and are strong were always easy to offer – my praise, my worship, my prayer time, any scriptural knowledge, my giftings, my encouragement or compassion for others…THOSE were easy to love.

The problem though – I wasn’t (and still am not) just made up of shiny pieces, try as I might.

And while there had been vast restoration in so many areas, the Lord needed me to see there were still pieces I held on to myself because I’d believed for so long that those pieces were just “who I am” and they still (somehow, somewhere in the background) disqualified me from being fully lovable. That I was “damaged.”

And so I didn’t LET the Lord truly love me. I let him be present with me, I had a relationship with him but not one that was me giving him every part of myself.

Beyond that, he began to deal with me about how I don’t do a great job of letting OTHER people fully love me either.

You see, I love people fiercely. If you are someone who is in my circle, I’m ALL IN for you. I would move mountains for someone I love.

I sometimes forget that there are people out there who love me just as much as I love them. I have to remember to accept that to be true.

One of my favorite songs growing up in my church was based on the scripture from Isaiah‬ ‭43‬:‭1‬-‭2‬. The lyrics read “I have redeemed you, I have called you by name. Child you are mine.” It went on to outline that we won’t be burned or drowned because the Lord is with us.

But in that first section there…”I have redeemed you.”

You see, God wasn’t surprised by any of the pieces I held. He already knew them. He was there in the moments that broke those shards. He witnessed them. He’s already made the way for them to be redeemed, I just have to hand them over.

“I have called you by name.”

Sometimes we as Christians forget that our sin isn’t our name – it’s simply what we’ve done. Our actions don’t dictate who we are – they dictate what we may reap in a season but who we ARE, that was already determined at our creation. We are each created with purpose; Purpose that is unique to each of us. It’s up to us to move out of the way and let him see it through to completion, as spoken in Philippians. (“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” Philippians‬ ‭1‬:‭6‬ ‭ESV‬‬).

I’ve often said I learned so much more about the love God has for us when I had my babies. The same way I could never fully articulate to my children exactly HOW MUCH I love them (a love that is unconditional and encompasses all of who they are), we also can never truly grasp the great depth of our Heavenly Father’s love for us. It’s even MORE encompassing than what I feel for my kids because while I have love, HE IS love.

“so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us,”
‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭3‬:‭17‬-‭20‬ ‭ESV‬‬

There is no question as to whether or not I am lovable. Whether or not you are lovable. We are.

So much more than we could ever imagine or truly comprehend.

The real question is – are you willing to let go of each of the pieces that YOU hide behind that don’t allow you to fully accept that love?

I am loved.

And so are you.

We just have to be willing to receive that.

❤️

The Lord has great plans for my life. Plans that are beautiful and prosperous. Beyond all I can imagine or even try to plan for myself.

I know this.

There are several promises the Lord has spoken to me about many areas of my life. My future partner, my calling in ministry, specific pieces that are not yet fulfilled but I hold on to.

There’s one particular promise I’ve been praying about and pressing into more lately.

I have questions.

I want to understand.

In September, I taught my rotation in our youth Sunday school class. We talked about bringing a sacrifice of praise and what that means.

They defined sacrifice as giving up something that has value to you for a specific purpose. We defined praise not only as a song we sing but the life we lead and every action that we purposefully choose to honor the Lord.

They recalled the story of Issac being taken as a sacrifice by his father, Abraham.

Shortly after, during a women’s conference at my church the Lord dropped the title of this post in my spirit. “You cannot love the promise more than me.”

Recently, I’ve been reflecting on that word and thinking about how Isaac was a promise fulfilled by the Lord. How he was promised to a couple who couldn’t have children and were advanced in age.

How when the Lord asked Abraham to take Isaac up on the mountain and sacrifice him, I would imagine it must have felt almost like a betrayal.

I would have had so many questions.

I may even have had what I refer to as a prayer time “hissy fit.”

“I prayed for him, for years. Father, you brought him to fruition as your promise…only to ask me to sacrifice him back to you. I don’t understand this.”

I can remember being told not to question the Lord. “His ways are higher than our ways…we should never question.”

For years, I felt guilty each time I had a moment of wanting to ask a question or express my desire to know why?” I felt like it made me less of a “good” Christian.

What I’ve learned is God isn’t threatened by my questions. He’s not upset with how my brain works. At the same time, I don’t get to demand an answer on my timeline, in my questioning. Sometimes the answer simply IS “no” or “not yet” and I don’t get to know more yet. I’ve learned to accept that.

I can’t tell you the number of times lately I’ve thought about how this season feels like waiting, feels like wilderness and then there’s been a word shared on social media that aligns to just that and reminds me God does work in the waiting, in the wilderness.

All of this to say – it’s okay to desire the promise, to want to reach that destination. We can’t lose sight of the promise keeper.

HE is working all things to our good according to his purpose.

HE has good plans.

HE loves us so completely.

HE desires relationship with each of us. True relationship.

When we chase the promise…we aren’t focused on the Father.

When our goal is to receive, we lose sight of the work there is to do (both the work he has to do in us and for us to do around us).

Abraham understood that. The promise he was given didn’t outweigh the end goal. Receiving the promise wasn’t the end. It was just another stop on the way to the destination.

He was willing to relinquish his promise in favor of the trusting the promise keeper (and found it was never actually about keeping his promise but instead trusting the Lord).

❤️

Sometimes something so simple clicks in a way it never has before.

The Lord convicted me recently and I always want to share the revelations that come around those in case someone else may also benefit.

There’s a passage in Matthew 6 where Jesus teaches around not being anxious. Outlining the Lord provides for the birds and beasts but loves us more than that and will provide for us too, states we add nothing to our lives with worry. And one specific scripture comes to mind in that passage:

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” – Matthew‬ ‭6‬:‭33‬ ‭ESV‬‬

A few weeks ago, I was getting ready for church and I was praying through my list of things. I had several thought processes working in my mind as I was going about my morning.

That verse in Matthew popped into my spirit along with this one:

“do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4‬:‭6‬-‭7‬ ‭ESV‬‬

I recalled something I’ve shared with others multiple times around how we pray about something first because it aligns our heart to the heart of the Father. It ensures we’re seeking his solution and not our own.

Immediately, I began to think “huh…how odd that would pop into my spirit when I was just praying about these things, I’m already doing that.”

And just like that…*click*

I was praying about solutions, I was requesting my steps to be guided, I was requesting doors to be opened and shut.

I wasn’t seeking HIM.

I was seeking provision and ordered steps.

Please don’t misunderstand me, we need ordered steps, we need provision, above all of that…we NEED the Lord.

When that Holy Spirit unraveled for me in that moment was this:

I shouldn’t focus my prayer solely on:

• My job
• My relationships
• The situation I’m facing

My prayer should first be focused on seeking his heart. On seeking his Kingdom.

That doesn’t mean he doesn’t hear about those other pieces, or that I don’t still request his provision and direction.

It means that when my focus is on the order and next steps I’m seeking, I’m missing HIM in those moments.

“Seek ye first the Kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be added unto you”

The Lord has stilled me in so many places over the past two years. Places he’s grown me and ensured my heart hasn’t grown bitter or hardened toward others. Places he’s shown me what it is to walk in his grace.

Have I gotten that right every time? Nope.

Just last week some close friends of mine were with me as I processed my emotional responses out loud and was angry. (If you’re one of those friends who sat with me in my big emotions this week, THANK YOU and I love you! I know each of you know my heart and have been holding me in prayer).

There was nothing wrong with me approaching the throne with the things I knew I needed the Lord to guide me in, but I’m grateful he wants so much more for me in those moments than just bringing my petition to him, and he will remind me gently of that.

In the grand scheme of things, the pieces I’m facing don’t compare to the kingdom assignment of eternity. That doesn’t mean they don’t matter, or that he doesn’t care for those aspects (or isn’t intervening).

It simply means, I can’t become so wrapped up in my own day to day that I lose sight of the big picture.

I must seek the Kingdom first and trust he has a plan for everything else. Knowing his plans are not only good, but for MY good. Acknowledge that he’s bringing those plans to fruition.

I must also get OUT of the way and align myself in obedience in my own responses and actions.

❤️

I was mowing two weeks ago and the Lord finished a word that’s been in my spirit for a bit but never felt complete to document it.

I was thinking about how we sometimes say that “we’re only human” as if being human automatically equates to sin. It doesn’t.

Adam was created as human in the image of God. He was not automatically destined for poor choice.

It wasn’t until pride entered and sin was chosen. The serpent told Eve she could be like God if she ate the fruit. She chose sin.

Then I was thinking about how often pride enters a story in the Bible and causes separation of man and God (the Tower of Babel, Samson, even Noah’s story with the ark).

Sometimes we excuse things because “it’s just in their nature” or “it’s human nature” when we actually need to be coaching better choices to be made.

Pride is so often the root of many sins. Pride, we know, leads to destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall.

The Lord connected though that humility, when used incorrectly, can also be destructive.

I am an incredibly independent individual who can/has accomplish(ed) many tasks BUT I’m also sometimes more passive in an attempt to keep the peace around me.

In different times of my life, I’ve made myself smaller as to not offend someone else or not to “make myself a spectacle” and I’ve called it being humble.

Humility isn’t an outward action though, it’s a heart stance.

Pride also isn’t an outward action, it’s a heart stance.

These stances both 100% influence actions we take in alignment to our stances though.

Samson boasted in HIS great ability and what he could accomplish. His own arrogance placing a strain on the gift he was given and ultimately failed to honor.

Humility isn’t maintaining a spot out of the public eye or away from praise of others. Humility is taking on the heart of God, boldly stepping into what you’re called to do BUT all the while pointing others back to the GOD in you who makes it possible.

I have been gifted with the ability to sing.

Since I was a little girl, worship has been the place the Lord most communes with me. I love to worship the Lord.

Also since I was a little girl, one of my biggest difficulties always used to be singing in front of others, for fear of being judged poorly.

Many years ago, I joined the worship team, sang with a mic, but wanted to stand in the back, out of sight. I called it humility, but I was actually hiding.

When we are prideful, we boast in ourselves.

When we are hiding, we fail to acknowledge what God IS doing in and through us. We fail to align that God is more than capable of using us and we fail to acknowledge who he is in our lives.

The Lord wants us to be fully committed to him.

Casting ourselves aside, so we can be filled all the more with his spirit.

When there’s less of us and more of him, we aren’t boasting in ourselves.

When we allow fear to take up space, we are aligning ourselves to God being able to do great things…BUT not in or through us.

Both are wrong.

Both are poor reflections of our Father.

We have to ask ourselves – “am I prideful, humble, or hiding? “

❤️