“Don’t doubt your calling”

Sometimes I can’t sleep. Sometimes there are so many things going on in my mind that sleep evades me and others I have no explanation for. Often times I pray until either something breaks or I tire out.

Tonight/this morning is one of those times. I know that tomorrow I’ll be upset that my brain wouldn’t turn off. When I’m needing to drink caffeine to keep up with my day and my meetings, I’ll think of 2am me and how my brain wouldn’t quiet down.

For now, I’ll just reflect on things that have been going on in my life. I’m in a season that I’ve never walked before. A season of feeling set apart or discarded. Knowing that I’m not forsaken or forgotten but feeling out of place or out of pocket. This season began with a disappointment that grew and became an obsession of mine. I constantly thought about why this thing happened the way it did. Constantly compared myself to other people involved. Drove my close friends/colleagues crazy trying to decipher all of the information around this situation. I finally got to the point that I was sick of myself. Tired of thinking, tired of analyzing, tired of trying to understand a situation it seemed that I couldn’t grasp now or ever.

What started as a small thing quickly grew. The more I obsessed over this, the more I moved my focus. The more I moved my focus, the more my joy slipped away. When we remove our eyes from the maker and begin to focus on things within creation instead, we will be faced with the impossibility of sustaining ourselves. I went there. I chose to dwell in that place.

I continued being involved in things I loved but didn’t have joy. I continued the same tasks that I’ve always enjoyed but didn’t have joy. I allowed one circumstance to rob me of my joy completely. Even realizing this, I still continued in my plethora of joyless comparison.

A few weeks ago, at church on a Wednesday night I felt something break and I began to weep during worship. I know that was the beginning of a new chapter. There have been a few different offerings of the Lord directing me over these last few weeks. Sunday morning during worship I was on stage singing with our worship team and I broke as I began to praise and worship. I’d done those same actions during these months but this was different. I began to have the realization that I just needed a set apart time with the Lord. I turned my mic off and came off the stage to praise in the altar.

Now children, if you aren’t familiar with the spirit of the Lord moving or the power of prayer over one another, let’s talk about that at another time (feel free to message me directly). A few women in my church came up and prayed over me. These women spoke life into me and broke the comparison I had continued to believe over myself falsely.

After church, my friend and mentor of sorts, approached me about teaching a lesson at our Celebrate Recovery the next night. About a year ago the Lord spoke to me about my calling to preach/teach in church but I’ve struggled with accepting that. I did prepare my lesson, delivered it, and forced myself not to allow the comparison to begin (holding myself in check). Through my obedience, the Lord was able to reach folks that have heard me speak before and not been moved. When I finished and we had dismissed, I was approached by another leader and my calling was validated (without him even knowing I’d been facing my struggle with accepting that). He said “don’t doubt your calling, I felt the spirit of God on you as you spoke.”

I said all of that to say this…don’t doubt your calling. The God faithful to speak that in to you is faithful to see you through it.