Confessions…

You know…there are so many things that we learn about ourselves as we get older. If we are diligent to develop ourselves, we learn even more. If we are self aware enough, we can identify pieces we need to work on and (hopefully) work on them or know that we can lean on the Lord to work on them with us.

Something I never really talked about until recently is food addiction. I’ve always struggled with my weight. At certain points in my life it was much more controlled than others but food has always had a strong connection to my emotions. Some practices were learned behaviors passed on to me and others I picked up along the way.

Either way, as a child, I developed a love for food. Not just a healthy appreciation for food but a love to eat. And overeat. I would go grocery shopping with my Mom and she’d but a 10 pack of fun-sized candy bars and we’d have to hurry and eat them before we got home and “hide the evidence” from my brothers. So over indulgence in secret became a “fun” or “exciting” thing to do. Eventually, I’d learn to find comfort in food also. Hard day? Have some chocolate. Long week? Have some cake. Bored? Eat a snack (but take it outside). It became a way of life for me.

I’d go through cycles as a teenager. Lots of secret sweet eating followed by a cycle of feeling guilty in which I’d eat healthier and completely abstain from sugar. Naturally, my weight would yoyo around. By the time I went to college, I wanted to maintain being thin so I tried to focus on not making bad decisions or eating my feelings. This would work for a period of time then I’d comfort eat a while and the cycle would start over. Same yoyo weight gain and loss.

Food remained a comfort but I had a cap on it. My self control really spiraled after I met my (now) husband and while we were dating, I learned I was pregnant. We lost that baby at 17 weeks. Emotional eating became my not-so-hidden way of life then. I gained weight and I hated myself for it. The internal guilt and dialogue I had constantly became unbearable for me. So I kept diving into my world of comfort eating.

Eventually, we married and we had two children. As a stay-at-home-Mom and daycare provider, I still spent a lot of time rocking babies and eating my emotions (our marriage was definitely falling apart-but that’s another blog post another time). I was pretty much sedentary full-time and it showed in every bit of my body. I would eventually stop eating almost all together and lose 60 lbs (which I would later gain back almost entirely).

I yoyo’d back around all the way through last year. I decided enough was enough and I needed to buckle down. My 33rd birthday sparked me to say “this changes now.” But it didn’t. I signed up for a program that some friends of mine had lost quite a bit of weight doing but I wasn’t sold yet. I did some continued research and made a few dozen excuses. Finally, in November 2019, I committed and began losing weight. This program taught me to use food to fuel my body (the way God intended) and helped me discover all of my terrible habits of self-medicating with food (addiction).

I won’t say I’m perfect. I still crave cookies or whatnot when I’m upset about something. BUT now I have the tools to decide if having said cookie or whatever is worth one of my “holidays” off my eating plan. And beyond that, I’ve been able to realize what drives those behaviors in me. I’ve identified the root of that problem and am dealing with those pieces. I’m down right at 40 lbs and while I still have a long way to go, I’m right tickled with how well that’s going. One day at a time, folks. That’s how we overcome addictions and strongholds in our lives. One decision after another until they build up and we can keep claiming the victory.