Some days I don’t have the words to express how I’m feeling. For a person who talks as much as I do, not having the words seems like something that’s inconceivable. I very rarely lack a poignant way to articulate my thoughts to others or an encouraging word for someone around me BUT sometimes, in my own mind or even in my prayer time, I just can’t put into words the pieces I’m feeling or that are weighing heavy on my heart.
There have been a lot of “heavy” days lately. Days when there are so many pieces pressing in from the outside, so many thoughts that I carry, so many emotions that I’m experiencing that I just can’t put all of them into an organized fashion to explain them to myself or another person.
I carry things with me, sometimes longer than I should. Sometimes way more than I should. Sometimes things that aren’t even mine to carry but I pick them up like they’re my business because I love people.
Some nights, I kiss my babies goodnight and sit down with my warm blanket and I just sit and breathe. I pass time doing nothing because I need the silence and moment alone to just reset. Some nights I pray and I pour out all of the pieces I’m holding in my hands and in my heart to my Heavenly Father who is always gracious to listen and remind me how he loves me. Sometimes I just cry because there’s so much and the weight of these things can be heavy.
Every time, no matter what my approach is, the Holy Spirit meets me and reminds me of who I am. Of who I’m called to be. Speaks to me in a calm reminder that I’m worthy. Worthy of love and grace and mercy. That I’m chosen and not a failure. That I’m set apart for something so much greater than myself or the small pieces I see in front of me right now. That I’m qualified by my Father and equipped to do the work set before me. That these trials and heavy pieces are temporary and I can lay them all on Him because his yoke is easy and his burden is light and he cares for me so deeply.
I can’t pretend to understand all of the pieces. I can’t begin to act as if I have it all “together.” I’m a mess that is wrapped up in a tight little ball of appeared organization.
“Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.”
Proverbs 19:21 ESV
https://www.bible.com/59/pro.19.21.esv
Or in the KJV
“There are many devices in a man’s heart; nevertheless the counsel of the Lord, that shall stand.”
Proverbs 19:21 KJV
https://www.bible.com/1/pro.19.21.kjv
Sometimes I just need to sit in silence and allow the Lord to speak over me. I just need to sit still and breathe deep and listen. When I spend all of my time trying to plan and primp and lay it all out, I agonize over the small things I’m carrying around that all add up. When I just sit still or sit and cry and let go of all of it, I’m often reminded of how small I am. Not because I’m insignificant to the heart of my Father but because I’m capable of very little on my own. Sometimes that thing we want so badly isn’t for us, sometimes that piece we can’t quite seem to put our finger on is hidden for a reason, sometimes those things we KNOW but don’t say out loud are placed into our discernment because we need to just admit them.
Breathe deep. Trust in the Lord. Hear what he is speaking over you. Don’t just register it but HEAR it. Allow those things to sink in and to resonate within you. Let go of the plans you have for yourself or ask that he align your desires to his purpose. If you’re fighting a never ending uphill battle, it’s possible you’re trying to open a door that isn’t yours. Trust in the timing. Trust in the process. Trust in the plan and put your shovel down. Sit still. Breathe deep. Wait for your next marching order or call to action. Listen. He’s ever present and He cares for you. ❤️
Just Between Me & Jesus 