Growing up, I loved hard and with everything I had. My daughter reminds me so much of myself in that regard. She approaches things with caution but once she determines she’s safe, she is all in. For me, I was all in, all the time. Friends, family, mentors, anyone I was close to.
Eventually, through a series of personally heartbreaking events, I began guarding myself more and more. I came to believe that anyone I loved would choose to leave me. In my mind, this was equated to my being unworthy, unloveable, and less than.
Ultimately, my belief that I was undeserving meant that I developed a drive to be the most impressive I could be. If I could prove myself an asset, if I could achieve enough for others to see how “good” I was, I would surely eventually be worth loving, right?
The problem with finding a “solution” that isn’t actually fixing the root of the problem is that no matter how much you do, despite how much you “achieve,” at the root of those feelings there is still a problem. No amount of achievement changes that.
No matter how many people tell me how deserving I am, I still don’t always believe it. There is always that drive reminding me that I am “not enough.” Lying over and over to keep my mind reeling around all of the “less than” portions that I carry.
I’ve had a revelation lately that I don’t know how to let people love me.
I don’t trust people easily. I don’t let people in often. I have been known to isolate myself when I’m dealing with something difficult because I struggle with the feeling I may burden someone else (who is too kind to tell me the truth of not really wanting to know these things I’m sharing). My mind processes information a little differently. Sometimes I need the alone time to form opinions and have an understanding of my feelings toward something. I’ve had to learn that it’s okay for me to need that time but eventually, that time has to end. Eventually, there has to be a period in which I allow someone else to bear my burden with me.
I have a few people that I allow to see all of my pieces. I call them my cat circle and I’m grateful for the vulnerability each of those folks allow me to have with them. These people are the people I know to be honest and trustworthy. Good folks to put faith in, that I can invest in without fear of “scaring” them away. They endure alongside with me. I’m so grateful for each of them.
I’m also grateful for a Heavenly Father, who reminds me often that just because I’ve accepted something as “true” doesn’t make it “truth.” Only Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. I am unable to define myself outside of him. My very identity is IN him.
Some times are harder than others and I find that the enemy works diligently to remind me of everything I’m “not.” He works to try and trap me in believing that everything I’ve chosen poorly, every lie he’s fed me, that feeling of unworthiness and the fear lingering near it is my true identity.
My Father always wraps his arms around me and reminds me that I’m his beloved. That he formed me, he knit my innermost pieces together. Before a single person on this Earth even knew my name, HE knew me. HE loved me. HE chose me.
Just Between Me & Jesus 