“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:18
Grief is such a fickle thing.
Sometimes it hits you all at once and you carry it for long periods of time, in roils like the sea.
Sometimes it’s staves itself, hiding away and coming back in short waves.
Other times it can feel as if it’s healed and then suddenly, without warning, it tips its way back in.
I’ve talked before about the amount of loss that accompanied my divorce, both loss that I did and did not anticipate.
Expected or not, loss can be paralyzing, overwhelming, debilitating. Sometimes loss is necessary. Sometimes our greatest gifts, testimonies, victories are birthed following great loss.
But what about that in between?
The grief.
The loss of what is no longer.
The questions that come.
Knowing you may never have answers, but desiring them still.
I have lost so many people in the course of my life.
Friends.
Relationships.
Extended family.
Grandparents.
My Dad.
My brothers.
A best friend.
In all of that loss, voluntary or not, by death or separation, I’ve never stopped loving the people I’ve lost.
I mentioned in my last post that I love people hard. I go all in. When I know you’re one of my people, you’re ONE OF MY PEOPLE. I’m loyal. I fight FOR you. I will face the power of hell itself for everyone I love.
And because I love so deeply, I break so completely when I lose someone.
I’m still in a season of healing. I’ve been healing in waves for a year. Grieving different levels of people I’ve lost.
In the grieving, there’s acceptance that I have to be willing to apply. I have to call things as they are. I have to sometimes accept hard truths. I always work to apply grace and forgiveness, when it’s needed. I have to let go of the things I know I cannot change or impact.
If you are a person whom I have loved, in any degree, in any phase of my life, and we are no longer tied together…please know I haven’t unloved you.
I will never unlove you.
I’ll accept the choice that was made. I’ll respect that choice. I’ll work to either understand it or release understanding when I cannot.
But I will never unlove you.
I still think of you fondly.
I still see things that remind me of you and want to tell you, but know I cannot.
I still laugh about things we found funny.
Lately, I’ve begun to grieve the loss of a close friend. A loss that infuriated me and is one I will likely never understand fully. A friend I lost amongst the year of loss but hadn’t truly begun to process until recently.
I began to pray over this grief a few weeks ago. I could feel it there and I had thought it was gone, tucked away and healed with the other pieces of the year of loss. Candidly, I was angry that it popped back up. That knowing all I know about this situation, I was processing any kind of emotion at this point of time. And I said “Lord, what is wrong with me? Why in the world would this still be here, after this much time has passed?”
And very plainly, I heard the Lord say “because love hopes all things.”
And in that moment, I realized because of my love for my friend…I have continued to hope all things. Continued to wait for this moment to pass and no longer be my reality. Hoped for these things to be gone and for us to pick back up. Had this feeling that our chapter wasn’t truly over and would eventually begin again.
I don’t know the future. I don’t know the plan or why my path crossed with the path of my former friend. I DO know that right now, in THIS season, there is no involvement. It’s a complete loss, a complete break.
While love hopes all things, and there’s beauty in that, we can’t allow ourselves to dwell in the “what if” amongst our hope. We can always bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, endure all things because of our love for one another. However. I can’t use that to hang on to someone who has decided to remove themselves from my life.
As I said, grief is such a fickle thing.
But I’m learning. And I’m healing.
And I’m grateful to know the Lord restores and heals our land. ♥️
Just Between Me & Jesus 