I think this is probably my theme for the last year – year and a half of my life.
More and more lately, the Lord and I have been having some really difficult, but much needed, heart felt conversations. I’ve been sorting through some really BIG emotions that are coming to the surface for me and it can be triggering into other areas of my life. All of which help shine a light on the places I’m approaching prayerfully with the Lord.
Over the last year, one of the lessons I’m most grateful for is that it’s okay for me to question things I’ve “learned” in church but aren’t rooted in scripture. As a church body, there are areas of behavior or standards that we’ve slapped a Christian label on and promote as “right” but it isn’t backed in scripture. Yet we’ve held ourselves (and others) to these labels or standards as if they’re part of the gospel.
As I’ve navigated this season in my life, I’ve really been asking the Lord to help me understand “why.” You see, I am a processor/analyzer by nature. My brain is wired in a way that I often take a step back from a situation and “poke holes” in things as I assess for risks. It serves me VERY well in the work that I do. It’s served me well to give advice to other people, both personally and professionally.
However, just as the enemy does, this very gift I have, my uniqueness, has never truly felt like something I SHOULD use in ministry. Even though it works spiritually, as a discerner and pops up in my prayer life all the time. Yet, I’ve allowed myself to be bogged down in guilt/shame around not asking “why” in church ministry, in not challenging things when I felt like I should because it felt “dishonorable” based on what I’ve been taught.
I’m reminded of Romans 8:1-2 –
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.”
As Ive been working to allow the Lord to heal me this year, I’ve learned that God isn’t afraid of my questions, he knew them before I even thought them. He isn’t afraid of my inquisitive nature. He isn’t feeling threatened by my thirst for knowledge.
You know why?
Because he knows the posture of my heart. He knows I acknowledge his sovereignty in my life. That I acknowledge his way are higher than my ways, his thoughts are higher than my thoughts. My questions aren’t because I need to be right but because I want to be aligned as closely to Him as I can be.
My questions to understand more don’t diminish my faith, they solidify it. They come from a heart posture of submission to authority but longing to better understand how I proceed.
There have been times when I’ve had well meaning people I know love the Lord condemn me for things that they couldn’t have understood (and didn’t try to). When I disclosed my divorce, I had very few people ask me what happened or try to understand what could possibly have transpired to bring me to that place.
I was told I was wrong.
I was told I was condemned if I continued.
I was told I was out of the will of God.
I was told things didn’t align with scripture because I didn’t speak Hebrew and didn’t understand the base words behind what Jesus was saying in that scripture to actually interpret it correctly.
I was told my discernment was wrong and not backed in scripture (again, see the previous sentence).
Yet I knew what the Lord had spoken to me. I knew what had been revealed spiritually (and since confirmed in the natural).
But in that moment of my greatest heartache, that approach from people I loved and respected broke me.
In the hardest season of my life, I felt abandoned and unworthy. I felt condemned and questioned if what had been spoken over me in judgement was true.
And then the Lord gave me some beautiful gifts in the forms of people he placed into/back into my life.
Church family from my childhood.
Friends I’ve known for a lifetime restored back into my circle.
I’ve also crossed paths with so many individuals who faced condemnation at the hands of church organizations that left them so broken they left their faith.
And do you know what’s happened?
I’ve gotten to say “I understand that.” But I’ve also gotten to say “but it wasn’t true and it didn’t truly reflect the heart of the Father.” And I’ve been able to speak into individuals I never would have had the ability to before.
Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying I’m a perfect person or that I held no fault in my marriage (I did). I’m not saying anyone in the actions I described were malicious or seeking to harm me. I truly believe that when this happened, individuals were well meaning and looking to correct me as part of their church family (which we are called to do, as we see in Paul’s letters to the church in the New Testament).
However, what I AM also saying is:
- We need to separate the issue at hand from the person involved and speak to the PERSON about a circumstance, from a position of love and not condemnation. Correction CAN come in a softer tone, when we’re led by the Holy Spirit.
- We need to pray with and for one another but remove our own opinions from that space. To truly love another is to be willing to suffer alongside them. To lay down our lives with theirs.
- We need to remember we aren’t called to condemn. The Father will chastise those he loves through the Holy Spirit, and correction 100% comes from that conviction. If we see someone in the church caught in a sin, we are to restore them gently. To come alongside and bear one another’s burdens. Galatians 6 outlines this for us. We can stand firm on biblical principle but our approach can’t be one of malice or hardness. This is when so many people are wounded and turn from the heart of Jesus.
Just Between Me & Jesus 