“You are not to defend yourself”

Y’all…

My blog title was one of the HARDEST instructions I have ever been given by the Lord.

Jan 2023, the Holy Spirit gave me a word in prayer. That there would be a time when my ex-husband and I would be removed from ministry. That I would want to defend myself and tell my story but I was NOT to do so. I was to remain quiet and allow the Lord to.

When I got that word, I spent some time (as I do) trying to think about the “what if” situations that might lead to me being removed from ministry. Eventually, I stopped watching for the “what if” and didn’t think about it any more.

Fast forward to the end of August, I’ve filed for separation from my ex-husband (after much prayer and grieving). I get a phone call from my then Pastor and the moment the words “we’re going to have to remove you from ministry” came across the line, it immediately quickened in my spirit. I remembered my instructions some months before. I said “okay.”

I cried.

I grieved for months.

I struggled to understand so many things in that season.

There were moments when I would cry out to God because in the midst of so much loss, I felt worthless. I couldn’t understand what my purpose was without serving.

I was obeying the instruction but to put it bluntly, it sucked. Plain and simple.

So many things were told TO me. Things that weren’t true or accurate. Speculation. Rumor.

I struggled not to be angry.

I prayed the Lord help me release it so I wouldn’t grow bitter.

I held on to the principle of “you are not to defend yourself,” even when I knew things were incorrect.

I learned so much in that season.

I’m still learning, if I’m honest.

I’ve always felt the need to express myself out loud. To transparently lead with my heart and explain myself to others. While there is definitely freedom in confessing things to one another, not everyone needs to be privy to everything we experience.

In that season, I learned how much judgement without compassion exists both in and out of church settings.

I learned that not everyone who confesses to be for you IS for you and that the heart of others will always be revealed in situations that challenge someone’s vantage point.

I learned that my heart is always safe with my Father. He knows every single aspect of my life – my heart, my thoughts, my actions, my trespasses, trespasses done against me, all things in secret and hidden away…and he authors each one of those pieces into his plan for my life as I continually submit to him.

I learned while it may still hurt my feelings when someone believes something untoward about me (or shares it with others), what another person does/doesn’t believe about me doesn’t actually matter.

It doesn’t make me more or less desirable to God

It doesn’t make me more or less usable in ministry

It doesn’t make me ANY thing (as long as I don’t allow bitterness to grow and allow the Lord to keep that in check within me).

I learned that the Lord will 100% make things known in his timing. As we’re faithful to submit ourselves to him continually, he’s faithful in ALL things. Though…it likely won’t look like what we thought it would. It likely won’t sound like what we thought it would.

I learned grace much more abundantly than I’d ever known it before. I accepted the fault shown in others without judging their stance or being upset for what was/wasn’t believed.

I learned to pray for revelation and discernment for my own heart over desiring justice for someone else’s actions.

I learned that the point of not defending myself had nothing to do with whether or not I was being defended. It had everything to do with the posture of my heart.

The more we defend ourselves, the more “right” we believe ourselves to be. This was never about being “right” or “wrong.” It was always about following where the Lord was leading. Allowing healing in each area it needed to be.

The more righteous indignation we stir up with the sword in our mouths, the less forgiveness and life-speaking ability we can possess.

“So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth,”
‭‭2 Timothy‬ ‭2‬:‭22‬-‭25‬ ‭ESV‬‬

I’m not sure who sharing this is for. Perhaps it is just to serve as a reminder for myself but I couldn’t shake the need to document this very specifically this evening. ❤️