When I was a pre-teen/ teenage girl, I can remember being asked a series of questions pretty often by adults.
- How many boyfriends do you have?
- What do you want to be when you grow up?
- How are you doing in school?
It was usually in that order, in my experiences. I don’t know if it’s just a different time and generation but I don’t hear that first question asked of my daughter much (and I’m grateful for that).
I can remember being pretty young and praying for my future boyfriend/spouse. Praying to meet them, praying over what they might be like, praying to meet “the one God had for me.”
I have never been what society considers to be traditionally “pretty.” When I was younger, “skinny” for my body type still wasn’t society’s skinny and I always felt like I was failing at being attractive because I didn’t fit the mold that the early 2000s “fat” culture (hello ultra low rise jeans) told me I should.
Eventually, I grew out of that mindset. I went to college. I dated. (Though I was a heathen at this time in my life, so I wasn’t living in a way that was in pursuit of what God had for my life in any capacity).
Looking back at my preteen, teenage and sometimes even early adult years, I realize I was focused on the wrong thing. I prayed for this magically assigned/appointed person to be provided to me. When that didn’t happen, I again felt like I’d failed.
The reality is I should have always been praying the Lord prepare ME. Prepare MY heart. Mold ME. Shape ME in HIS image.
That way, I would have the fruit I needed to discern when someone was a wise choice. To recognize when someone aligned to the Lord in a way that would honor HIM (and me by proxy).
It’s not a secret I was previously married. I’ve spoken about revelations the Lord has provided to me out of the ashes of my failed marriage over the last two years (and he is continuing to do so).
I’ve been praying for the past two years. Praying for several things to come to fruition but initially, I was praying my laundry list of attributes the Lord must want me to have in a partner. I’d pray, not with the intention of being a kid making a Christmas list, but perhaps it sounded that way to the Lord. 😂
I remember about a year ago, I was praying about some of these pieces and praying specifically about how I would want to be loved by my future partner and the Lord said to me:
“You don’t even let me love you that way.”
And I stopped.
What does that mean? How could little old me “let” God love me or not. God LOVES me. I know that.
And he does.
But God will never force me to accept the vastness of his love. So while I’ve always known he loves me, he sent his son to die and save me so I can be with him forever, he has plans for my life, he works things to my good, there’s grace, there’s mercy, there’s so many things…BUT I was never letting him love ME.
All the pieces of ME.
The broken parts that were left behind from a childhood of feeling unwanted that I held together in my own hands.
The jagged pieces I kept out of the spotlight because they aren’t “pretty enough” to showcase.
The quiet pieces that still silently questioned whether or not I was ever going to be enough.
The shiny pieces that have been polished and are strong were always easy to offer – my praise, my worship, my prayer time, any scriptural knowledge, my giftings, my encouragement or compassion for others…THOSE were easy to love.
The problem though – I wasn’t (and still am not) just made up of shiny pieces, try as I might.
And while there had been vast restoration in so many areas, the Lord needed me to see there were still pieces I held on to myself because I’d believed for so long that those pieces were just “who I am” and they still (somehow, somewhere in the background) disqualified me from being fully lovable. That I was “damaged.”
And so I didn’t LET the Lord truly love me. I let him be present with me, I had a relationship with him but not one that was me giving him every part of myself.
Beyond that, he began to deal with me about how I don’t do a great job of letting OTHER people fully love me either.
You see, I love people fiercely. If you are someone who is in my circle, I’m ALL IN for you. I would move mountains for someone I love.
I sometimes forget that there are people out there who love me just as much as I love them. I have to remember to accept that to be true.
One of my favorite songs growing up in my church was based on the scripture from Isaiah 43:1-2. The lyrics read “I have redeemed you, I have called you by name. Child you are mine.” It went on to outline that we won’t be burned or drowned because the Lord is with us.
But in that first section there…”I have redeemed you.”
You see, God wasn’t surprised by any of the pieces I held. He already knew them. He was there in the moments that broke those shards. He witnessed them. He’s already made the way for them to be redeemed, I just have to hand them over.
“I have called you by name.”
Sometimes we as Christians forget that our sin isn’t our name – it’s simply what we’ve done. Our actions don’t dictate who we are – they dictate what we may reap in a season but who we ARE, that was already determined at our creation. We are each created with purpose; Purpose that is unique to each of us. It’s up to us to move out of the way and let him see it through to completion, as spoken in Philippians. (“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” Philippians 1:6 ESV).
I’ve often said I learned so much more about the love God has for us when I had my babies. The same way I could never fully articulate to my children exactly HOW MUCH I love them (a love that is unconditional and encompasses all of who they are), we also can never truly grasp the great depth of our Heavenly Father’s love for us. It’s even MORE encompassing than what I feel for my kids because while I have love, HE IS love.
“so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us,”
Ephesians 3:17-20 ESV
There is no question as to whether or not I am lovable. Whether or not you are lovable. We are.
So much more than we could ever imagine or truly comprehend.
The real question is – are you willing to let go of each of the pieces that YOU hide behind that don’t allow you to fully accept that love?
I am loved.
And so are you.
We just have to be willing to receive that.
❤️
Just Between Me & Jesus 