Y’all…

My blog title was one of the HARDEST instructions I have ever been given by the Lord.

Jan 2023, the Holy Spirit gave me a word in prayer. That there would be a time when my ex-husband and I would be removed from ministry. That I would want to defend myself and tell my story but I was NOT to do so. I was to remain quiet and allow the Lord to.

When I got that word, I spent some time (as I do) trying to think about the “what if” situations that might lead to me being removed from ministry. Eventually, I stopped watching for the “what if” and didn’t think about it any more.

Fast forward to the end of August, I’ve filed for separation from my ex-husband (after much prayer and grieving). I get a phone call from my then Pastor and the moment the words “we’re going to have to remove you from ministry” came across the line, it immediately quickened in my spirit. I remembered my instructions some months before. I said “okay.”

I cried.

I grieved for months.

I struggled to understand so many things in that season.

There were moments when I would cry out to God because in the midst of so much loss, I felt worthless. I couldn’t understand what my purpose was without serving.

I was obeying the instruction but to put it bluntly, it sucked. Plain and simple.

So many things were told TO me. Things that weren’t true or accurate. Speculation. Rumor.

I struggled not to be angry.

I prayed the Lord help me release it so I wouldn’t grow bitter.

I held on to the principle of “you are not to defend yourself,” even when I knew things were incorrect.

I learned so much in that season.

I’m still learning, if I’m honest.

I’ve always felt the need to express myself out loud. To transparently lead with my heart and explain myself to others. While there is definitely freedom in confessing things to one another, not everyone needs to be privy to everything we experience.

In that season, I learned how much judgement without compassion exists both in and out of church settings.

I learned that not everyone who confesses to be for you IS for you and that the heart of others will always be revealed in situations that challenge someone’s vantage point.

I learned that my heart is always safe with my Father. He knows every single aspect of my life – my heart, my thoughts, my actions, my trespasses, trespasses done against me, all things in secret and hidden away…and he authors each one of those pieces into his plan for my life as I continually submit to him.

I learned while it may still hurt my feelings when someone believes something untoward about me (or shares it with others), what another person does/doesn’t believe about me doesn’t actually matter.

It doesn’t make me more or less desirable to God

It doesn’t make me more or less usable in ministry

It doesn’t make me ANY thing (as long as I don’t allow bitterness to grow and allow the Lord to keep that in check within me).

I learned that the Lord will 100% make things known in his timing. As we’re faithful to submit ourselves to him continually, he’s faithful in ALL things. Though…it likely won’t look like what we thought it would. It likely won’t sound like what we thought it would.

I learned grace much more abundantly than I’d ever known it before. I accepted the fault shown in others without judging their stance or being upset for what was/wasn’t believed.

I learned to pray for revelation and discernment for my own heart over desiring justice for someone else’s actions.

I learned that the point of not defending myself had nothing to do with whether or not I was being defended. It had everything to do with the posture of my heart.

The more we defend ourselves, the more “right” we believe ourselves to be. This was never about being “right” or “wrong.” It was always about following where the Lord was leading. Allowing healing in each area it needed to be.

The more righteous indignation we stir up with the sword in our mouths, the less forgiveness and life-speaking ability we can possess.

“So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth,”
‭‭2 Timothy‬ ‭2‬:‭22‬-‭25‬ ‭ESV‬‬

I’m not sure who sharing this is for. Perhaps it is just to serve as a reminder for myself but I couldn’t shake the need to document this very specifically this evening. ❤️

Yesterday, as I was driving home, I was singing in my car about how Calvary is Enough and had a realization.

Jesus, as part of the trinity, is also omnipotent. He’s part of the beginning and the end. While only the Father knows the time of Jesus’ return, he would be privy to the rest of the knowledge of the Father.

That means that before he was mocked, beaten, brutally forced to carry his own cross, and then crucified…he KNEW exactly what awaited him.

Yet, he came to Earth.

He obeyed the necessity of his being present and doing the work of the Father.

He prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane.

“And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.””
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭26‬:‭39‬ ‭ESV‬‬

If it’s possible, let this pass from me BUT ALL THE SAME, I’ll follow your will.

He KNEW. He didn’t WANT to endure it if there was another way, but he was willing to be obedient .

Now, on my side of this…I like to know things. I’m a planner. I like to know what’s coming and have an idea of how I’m preparing, whenever possible.

How many times has the Lord asked me to do something small and I’ve hesitated. “Go to this person and speak this one word to them” and I sometimes question “is that you, Lord…they’re going to think I’m crazy if not.” I’ve also been obedient in those spaces, but not every time.

The Lord reminded me this week that I have a calling in my life to fulfill. Last week during our pre-service prayer time, the Lord reminded me “don’t look to the right or the left.”

This week, the Lord is speaking to me to remind me:

“One who is faithful in a very little is also faithful in much, and one who is dishonest in a very little is also dishonest in much.”
‭‭Luke‬ ‭16‬:‭10‬ ‭ESV‬‬

While the parable in this scripture speaks to money and loving God over money, it also speaks to obedience.

Until the Lord can entrust me with the little things, I am not equipped to be trusted with the larger things.

How do I become trustworthy? Obedience.

“Father, if it’s possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.”

It can’t be that I question his leading.

It can’t be that I know a better way to do it.

It can’t be that I stomp my spiritual foot because I don’t like that I don’t know what’s next.

“Not as I will, but as you will.”

I don’t know the end, but he does.

Still yet, knowing that…

AND knowing God works all things to my good

AND he has a plan for me and for my life that is to prosper and not harm me…

I don’t always submit.

Jesus KNEW the end result would be for our good and still knew all he’d endure but STILL CHOSE to be obedient…

For me.

For you.

For all of us.

Father, help us all to be so bold in our obedience.

Help ME to be bold in my obedience.

Regardless of what may come.

Regardless of who may “talk.”

Regardless of what’s on my left or on my right.

Your will, not mine.

❤️

When I was a little girl, I learned that I could hide in the spotlight. I could showcase certain parts of myself that I wanted others to focus on and keep others out of sight. As a kid, my home life was hidden and my accomplishments were kept in the forefront.

I was smart.

I made good grades.

I was kind.

I wanted those things to be the focus and not the broken pieces of my family’s home.

And so I got great at projecting those pieces. Vibrantly. On a nice little display to be admired.

As I got older, I thought I outgrew that and it wasn’t until I went through my 12 step program in preparation for leadership of the recovery ministry I worked in for years that I realized that same little girl was still present.

Sure she had changed over the years. The display pieces of focus shifted but I was so used to doing it that I didn’t even realize it myself.

She had two amazing kids (look here)

She had a successful job (look here)

She ran ministries (look here)

She also doubted herself – her ability, her worthiness, her contributions (but let’s hide that away)

She also sacrificed her own thoughts, opinions, and inner most self to keep the peace everywhere else (but let’s hide that away)

She accepted belittlement/being treated as less than, and hid the truth of it as “submission” and “love” (but let’s hide that away)

She held a microphone but tried to never draw attention to herself – don’t sing too loudly, don’t speak up as often as you are led because it’s “too much” and believe the lie that it was humility, which believers are called to walk in.

When we hide behind “humility,” we aren’t humble. We’re HIDING.

God wasn’t ever expecting me to shy away from a platform I was called to by Him, he simply wanted me to be aligned to his heart as I interacted from there. To be submitted to him and not driving myself forward.

I believed the lie .

That I had to hide away. Hide the pieces of me that make me human. The pieces that make me fallible.

That no one could see those aspects of me and care about the heart behind them.

That these pieces somehow made me “less than” and not as deserving as someone else who wasn’t as impacted.

It’s not true.

Not for me. Not for you.

You see, our greatest testimonies are born from our greatest trials and victories. The places where the intervention of our Father NEEDS to be great are not places of shame or condemnation, they’re places of celebration.

The word tells us we overcome by the blood of the lamb and THE WORD OF OUR TESTIMONY.

The enemy wants to keep us in hiding, riddled with shame and wrapped in condemnation for all we’ve “done.” That’s bondage.

When we choose silence and bondage, he wins.

When we choose to speak out, out of the hiding, to give glory to the Lord for all he has brought us out of…hell quivers.

Our testimonies aren’t just ours but they’re encouraging words to the church and those around us as reminders of God’s faithfulness. They help us to keep aligned to God’s mercy and remind each other of all he’s capable of.

Hiding is not humility.

Humility is us making the declaration of what has been done but simultaneously ensuring we declare it isn’t because of anything about ourselves. It’s all for the glory of the Father.

It’s not “look at me” OR redirection. It’s full transparency that points to HIM.

❤️

I think this is probably my theme for the last year – year and a half of my life.

More and more lately, the Lord and I have been having some really difficult, but much needed, heart felt conversations. I’ve been sorting through some really BIG emotions that are coming to the surface for me and it can be triggering into other areas of my life. All of which help shine a light on the places I’m approaching prayerfully with the Lord.

Over the last year, one of the lessons I’m most grateful for is that it’s okay for me to question things I’ve “learned” in church but aren’t rooted in scripture. As a church body, there are areas of behavior or standards that we’ve slapped a Christian label on and promote as “right” but it isn’t backed in scripture. Yet we’ve held ourselves (and others) to these labels or standards as if they’re part of the gospel.

As I’ve navigated this season in my life, I’ve really been asking the Lord to help me understand “why.” You see, I am a processor/analyzer by nature. My brain is wired in a way that I often take a step back from a situation and “poke holes” in things as I assess for risks. It serves me VERY well in the work that I do. It’s served me well to give advice to other people, both personally and professionally.

However, just as the enemy does, this very gift I have, my uniqueness, has never truly felt like something I SHOULD use in ministry. Even though it works spiritually, as a discerner and pops up in my prayer life all the time. Yet, I’ve allowed myself to be bogged down in guilt/shame around not asking “why” in church ministry, in not challenging things when I felt like I should because it felt “dishonorable” based on what I’ve been taught.

I’m reminded of Romans 8:1-2 –

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.”

As Ive been working to allow the Lord to heal me this year, I’ve learned that God isn’t afraid of my questions, he knew them before I even thought them. He isn’t afraid of my inquisitive nature. He isn’t feeling threatened by my thirst for knowledge.

You know why?

Because he knows the posture of my heart. He knows I acknowledge his sovereignty in my life. That I acknowledge his way are higher than my ways, his thoughts are higher than my thoughts. My questions aren’t because I need to be right but because I want to be aligned as closely to Him as I can be.

My questions to understand more don’t diminish my faith, they solidify it. They come from a heart posture of submission to authority but longing to better understand how I proceed.

There have been times when I’ve had well meaning people I know love the Lord condemn me for things that they couldn’t have understood (and didn’t try to). When I disclosed my divorce, I had very few people ask me what happened or try to understand what could possibly have transpired to bring me to that place.

I was told I was wrong.

I was told I was condemned if I continued.

I was told I was out of the will of God.

I was told things didn’t align with scripture because I didn’t speak Hebrew and didn’t understand the base words behind what Jesus was saying in that scripture to actually interpret it correctly.

I was told my discernment was wrong and not backed in scripture (again, see the previous sentence).

Yet I knew what the Lord had spoken to me. I knew what had been revealed spiritually (and since confirmed in the natural).

But in that moment of my greatest heartache, that approach from people I loved and respected broke me.

In the hardest season of my life, I felt abandoned and unworthy. I felt condemned and questioned if what had been spoken over me in judgement was true.

And then the Lord gave me some beautiful gifts in the forms of people he placed into/back into my life.

Church family from my childhood.

Friends I’ve known for a lifetime restored back into my circle.

I’ve also crossed paths with so many individuals who faced condemnation at the hands of church organizations that left them so broken they left their faith.

And do you know what’s happened?

I’ve gotten to say “I understand that.” But I’ve also gotten to say “but it wasn’t true and it didn’t truly reflect the heart of the Father.” And I’ve been able to speak into individuals I never would have had the ability to before.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying I’m a perfect person or that I held no fault in my marriage (I did). I’m not saying anyone in the actions I described were malicious or seeking to harm me. I truly believe that when this happened, individuals were well meaning and looking to correct me as part of their church family (which we are called to do, as we see in Paul’s letters to the church in the New Testament).

However, what I AM also saying is:

• We need to separate the issue at hand from the person involved and speak to the PERSON about a circumstance, from a position of love and not condemnation. Correction CAN come in a softer tone, when we’re led by the Holy Spirit.
• We need to pray with and for one another but remove our own opinions from that space. To truly love another is to be willing to suffer alongside them. To lay down our lives with theirs.
• We need to remember we aren’t called to condemn. The Father will chastise those he loves through the Holy Spirit, and correction 100% comes from that conviction. If we see someone in the church caught in a sin, we are to restore them gently. To come alongside and bear one another’s burdens. Galatians 6 outlines this for us. We can stand firm on biblical principle but our approach can’t be one of malice or hardness. This is when so many people are wounded and turn from the heart of Jesus.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭34‬:‭18‬ ‭

Grief is such a fickle thing.

Sometimes it hits you all at once and you carry it for long periods of time, in roils like the sea.

Sometimes it’s staves itself, hiding away and coming back in short waves.

Other times it can feel as if it’s healed and then suddenly, without warning, it tips its way back in.

I’ve talked before about the amount of loss that accompanied my divorce, both loss that I did and did not anticipate.

Expected or not, loss can be paralyzing, overwhelming, debilitating. Sometimes loss is necessary. Sometimes our greatest gifts, testimonies, victories are birthed following great loss.

But what about that in between?

The grief.

The loss of what is no longer.

The questions that come.

Knowing you may never have answers, but desiring them still.

I have lost so many people in the course of my life.

Friends.

Relationships.

Extended family.

Grandparents.

My Dad.

My brothers.

A best friend.

In all of that loss, voluntary or not, by death or separation, I’ve never stopped loving the people I’ve lost.

I mentioned in my last post that I love people hard. I go all in. When I know you’re one of my people, you’re ONE OF MY PEOPLE. I’m loyal. I fight FOR you. I will face the power of hell itself for everyone I love.

And because I love so deeply, I break so completely when I lose someone.

I’m still in a season of healing. I’ve been healing in waves for a year. Grieving different levels of people I’ve lost.

In the grieving, there’s acceptance that I have to be willing to apply. I have to call things as they are. I have to sometimes accept hard truths. I always work to apply grace and forgiveness, when it’s needed. I have to let go of the things I know I cannot change or impact.

If you are a person whom I have loved, in any degree, in any phase of my life, and we are no longer tied together…please know I haven’t unloved you.

I will never unlove you.

I’ll accept the choice that was made. I’ll respect that choice. I’ll work to either understand it or release understanding when I cannot.

But I will never unlove you.

I still think of you fondly.

I still see things that remind me of you and want to tell you, but know I cannot.

I still laugh about things we found funny.

Lately, I’ve begun to grieve the loss of a close friend. A loss that infuriated me and is one I will likely never understand fully. A friend I lost amongst the year of loss but hadn’t truly begun to process until recently.

I began to pray over this grief a few weeks ago. I could feel it there and I had thought it was gone, tucked away and healed with the other pieces of the year of loss. Candidly, I was angry that it popped back up. That knowing all I know about this situation, I was processing any kind of emotion at this point of time. And I said “Lord, what is wrong with me? Why in the world would this still be here, after this much time has passed?”

And very plainly, I heard the Lord say “because love hopes all things.”

And in that moment, I realized because of my love for my friend…I have continued to hope all things. Continued to wait for this moment to pass and no longer be my reality. Hoped for these things to be gone and for us to pick back up. Had this feeling that our chapter wasn’t truly over and would eventually begin again.

I don’t know the future. I don’t know the plan or why my path crossed with the path of my former friend. I DO know that right now, in THIS season, there is no involvement. It’s a complete loss, a complete break.

While love hopes all things, and there’s beauty in that, we can’t allow ourselves to dwell in the “what if” amongst our hope. We can always bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, endure all things because of our love for one another. However. I can’t use that to hang on to someone who has decided to remove themselves from my life.

As I said, grief is such a fickle thing.

But I’m learning. And I’m healing.

And I’m grateful to know the Lord restores and heals our land. ♥️

Recently the Lord has been reminding me of how important community is.

I don’t just mean community in terms of a very broad “all of the people in your town” sense. I mean the village around you that supports and holds you up.

Historically, I have always believed that I am too much. That I’m “a lot.”

I have a really strong personality and that doesn’t always appeal to the masses.

I’m loud.

I love big.

I can be demanding or “needy” at times.

I can also be distant at times.

I overthink and overanalyze.

I talk A LOT.

I tell a lot of stories and my brain constantly connects dots (and wants me to share them aloud).

Now…as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that I can be all of those things and still not be “too much.”

I may be “too much” for some people. Those are NOT my people (and that’s okay).

To my people, I’m like baby bear’s porridge…just right.

Community is so important. Having people around you to encourage, laugh with, correct, and love you are so necessary. When I’m wrong, tell me. When I’m doing a good job, remind me.

Last year, as my marriage was ending, I lost my community. Nearly every person I loved or had around me.

I was hurt.

I hadn’t expected the way that happened or anticipated the extent of the loss that would stem from that life change.

I struggled to understand how a new community could even be possible.

You know who didn’t? My Father.

He placed me back with an old friend. We began doing ministry together. Her kids adopted my kids as their good friends. She plugged me into a group of like-minded folks in our church around our same age (many with kids of varying ages) and I was accepted pretty quickly.

I didn’t even realize until recently that God had restored my community.

My daughter recently completed a 1 month theater camp in which she learned a musical production and performed it for an audience made up of many from our county.

On the second and final performance night, I had known my friend and her fam were coming. What I didn’t know is that our whole community was ready to show up. 19 people in addition to her brother and I. They were all there, showing up to support my girl, because they love her.

I still get emotional just thinking about all of the children bragging on her and telling her how great she did. All of the adults loving on my girl and encouraging her love for theater. I can still see her face when she realized they had all come, still recall the joyous jump she took.

This weekend I traveled to a Summer Worship Nights concert featuring two well known Christian artists. My kiddos couldn’t make it but when I walked in to meet my people for a late lunch yesterday, an entire table of kiddos erupted into “Teresa!” (Or “MamaT,” depending on which kid it was).

We worshipped, we laughed, we made jokes, we stuffed 18 people into an elevator at the parking garage (about half were children), we laughed some more.

I can’t pinpoint exactly when it happened; when my community truly formed again. The Lord made it gradual and eased me in.

We need each other. We were never intended to do all of this on our own. Who you’re surrounded with is important. It can make or break you.

Jesus created a group of disciples to do life and ministry with. Those disciples then carried on the work he was doing and created an even bigger community of believers. We NEED community.

Little things matter.

To my heart and so also to God.

I’m so grateful. ♥️

Strategy.

It’s a word we hear used all over the place. We talk strategy in my corporate workplace. We hear strategy in sports. We strategize and plan for major church events. It’s all over the place.

Typically a strategy is a plan that is carefully designed to bring a chosen result, an expected end, if you will.

A few weeks ago, in my prayer time, I heard in my spirit that we often come forward with our plans, our expectations, our needs in prayer. We seek, in earnest and full faith, the miracles/provision/guidance/etc. that we know can only come from the Father.

Now, there isn’t anything wrong with coming boldly before the throne to make our petition known. That’s biblical. However, there’s a heart posture that is required.

I can’t want what I need from the Lord more than I want HIM. I can’t expect to come boldly seeking what I need without seeking the giver of all good things.

You see…

If I never see another answered prayer.

If I never experience the power of the Holy Spirit again.

If I never find myself in a position to be used in the Kingdom again.

If I never hold another microphone…

If I never sing another note…

If tomorrow, like Job, I lose everything I have…

God is still God. God is still good. I still desire him above all else.

That Saturday night, I lay in my bed and I prayed “Lord, make yourself real to me. Reveal your heart to me. Help me to see you in all things.” And I went to sleep without another thought about that prayer.

The next morning, as I got ready for church and was pondering these things, I got a text message from a good friend with a song link, urging me to listen.

The song did a contrast between us present day and the children of Israel and then went into the chorus…

🎶You are our daily bread

You are our daily bread

And we will seek your face before we seek your hand

You are our daily bread

You are our daily bread

And we desire you before the promised land🎶

And I was floored.

I told her the things the Lord and I had been discussing and had a Jesus moment in my bathroom.

Fast forward to Sunday School and my friend’s Dad was speaking that morning. He taught on trust and, I can’t make this up, one of the things his daughter and I had said to each other that morning came OUT of HIS mouth.

Confirmation after confirmation.

Fast forward to the evening when it all tied together in our Sunday evening Bible study. The song, the Sunday School lesson, the sermon that day…all orchestrated together.

My children had gone on a youth trip that evening and were set to return at 10pm. They were running a bit late because they’d been involved in a powerful prayer service and I got a call telling me to go on home and not wait there…that this person would bring my kiddos home and I didn’t need to wait so late.

As I drove home, I turned up a street a couple of blocks from my house and clear as day…I had a revelation.

At seven years old, when my second grade teacher was obedient to bring me to church with her. God knew.

He knew 7 year old me needed the community and church I received here. He knew I needed to be poured into and spoken over at that point in my life.

Even more than that, he saw into right now. Knew that that same little girl would face a season of brokenness and need a community who would, once again, love her (and her babies too) and be the hands and feet of Jesus.

He planned it all.

He set it all in motion.

His plans are for good and not for harm…to bring me to an expected end. He isn’t surprised by what’s transpired. He isn’t caught off guard.

He is the ultimate strategizer and I’m so grateful.

♥️

Posting this late, as I found it on my drafts. (Is laterblog a thing? Kind of like later gram?) 😬

Hey y’all! It’s Tuesday following our celebration of Easter and my last week was crazy busy.

If you don’t know this about me, I’m an analyzer/processor. For me, that means when I’m in a season of transformation, I think a lot, pray a lot, process a lot internally and once things begin to sift out, I can begin to talk about them.

I’ve already discussed that I’m going through a divorce and hand in hand with that, I changed churches. In the process of changing churches, I visited a few great churches in my area but didn’t feel planted in any of them. After I bought my house and changed locations, I was led back to the church I grew up in.

I started going there at the age of 7 when my neighbor and second grade teacher would pick me up and bring me with her. Sundays, Wednesdays, VBS, revivals, children’s church jamborees…I was there. I fell in love with Jesus there. I fell in love with worship there, I learned about the unending love the Lord had for me, despite my circumstances. I attended church here for about 10 years before moving.

On my first Sunday back, the mother of a friend I grew up with in the church came up to me, hugged me, and said “The Lord is saying ‘come home, Teresa” and told me she was glad I was back.

Just like that. When I hadn’t been there in 20 years. I was embraced and welcomed in immediately. Women who poured into me through very difficult seasons in my childhood and adolescent years have continued to pour into me in this season.

Divorce in the church is an interesting thing. I’ve learned so much about myself in this process. I’ve learned that I’ve accepted things I should have questioned or measured with wisdom. I’ve learned that I allowed things to happen around me that I shouldn’t have. I’ve learned that the influence and voice of people I love directly impacts me in ways it should not have.

I’ve also learned where grace abounds.

I’ve learned that we can’t keep quiet about things, regardless of what it may “look” like.

I’ve learned so much about removing myself so that there can be more Jesus.

I’ve learned that our own opinions will outshine the wisdom of the Lord when we don’t actively seek out the latter.

I’ve learned areas I need to allow the Holy Spirit to heal in me.

I’ve learned there is beauty in how completely I love others but there is also sometimes gut wrenching hurt as a result.

I’ve learned to recognize places still rooted in fear in me so that I can begin speaking against them.

I’ve learned I’m not as strong as I thought, and that’s okay.

I’ve learned I’m still a work in progress and THAT is the most beautiful realization of all.

As the month of May is winding down, I’m so thankful for positive things that are happening in my life but this month has been a LOT overall.

I’ve been in prayer over so many things lately. Big things. Some are mine, some are for friends, some are more broad, some are unspoken. It seems there are so many needs right now. It’s also been a quiet response season for me

Recently I had a close friend reach out to me and ask me to pray for a situation. I could tell it was pressing and I offered space for her to talk to me, should she want to. She made sure to stress trusted me but also made a statement that has stuck with me. She said “I don’t need Earthly guidance, I need heavenly direction.”

I’m a very transparent individual, an open-book, if you will. I have degrees of trust circles (which I call cat circles) and certain topics I only discuss with certain people BUT I’ve never been afraid to share pieces of myself and my story with others. Given this fact, I also recognize that I often desire to talk something out with another person. My mind is constantly roaming and processing situations.

It isn’t bad to talk things out with others. As a matter of fact, it’s biblical that we share one another’s burdens. We sharpen one another and challenge our thought processes. However, we are also called to cast our burdens upon Jesus. So I began examining how often do I seek the weigh in of friends around me when I should be casting my care instead?

I was mowing my yard earlier this week and thinking about how sometimes my children will want to do something and I may prefer to do it myself because I have more experience, or I have a particular desired outcome, I want to position myself to “take the heat,” if needed, etc.

I thought to myself “I don’t tell my children no to control everything. I just really want to position them for success as best as I can. I can sometimes see things or know things their limited experience doesn’t afford them to.”

And quick as a blink, the Lord said “That’s true for me too.”

He was confirming to my heart that he may be silent right now, I may be chomping at the bit to get something accomplished and I’m having to wait and don’t understand why, I may be growing impatient with my inaction…HOWEVER, he is in control. Not because he needs to overpower me but because…

He can see the pieces I can’t.

He knows what’s ahead where I cannot decipher what’s beyond my current viewpoint.

He is much more experienced than I am.

He is looking to “take the heat” on my behalf (or prevent the need for anyone to).

I haven’t been expressing a lot of my thoughts to anyone around me lately, just quietly contemplating things. I also haven’t been casting them onto the Lord the way I should though. And so in that moment, in my yard mowing, when I wasn’t thinking of a plan or trying to solve anything, my heart was still and I was reflecting with the Lord…he took a moment to speak to me and remind me of these things.

To offer very simple but much needed heavenly guidance and a shift in perspective.

I’m thankful for people in my life that I am certain are God-positioned. People I know I can trust whole-heartedly. However, I’m also thankful for the lessons the Lord continues to instill in me as he is removing barriers I’ve built in the name of “religion” and not relationship with him.

♥️

Our worship team learned a new song recently. From the moment I heard this one line in the bridge, it has wrecked me every time.

🎶Bless God when my hands are empty

Bless God with a praise that costs me🎶

Y’all. It wrecks me. Just trying to articulate what this speaks to my spirit.

I’ve talked about walking in my season of loss. It’s a wilderness season. It’s a season of set apart. It’s a season of seeking the Lord and receiving healing.

My hands are empty.

Not that I’m not working. Not that I’m not growing in my faith. Not that I’m not ministering. But I don’t have anything to hold on to right now.

My hands are empty.

I choose to praise. I choose to proclaim “even if this season endures, you are still God, you are still good, you are worthy of praise.”

When I have NOTHING to bring, no gift to give, I bring my praise.

Praise comes at a price.

We live in a society of instant gratification. They want it now, they want it quick, they want it as easy and convenient as possible, they want more bang for their buck, they want little effort and big reward.

That’s not conducive to the Kingdom.

Put your shoulder to the plow and WORK.

If it costs me everyone I love.

If it costs me everything I have.

If it costs me favor with man.

If it costs me the dreams/plans I have for myself.

If it costs me every penny I have.

I will pay that price.

No cost is too great.

When I come to the end of myself. When I literally have nothing to offer up but empty hands and an empty heart.

And there, in that moment, realize it’s what He wanted all along.

For me to be reminded I can’t do it in my own power.

For me to be reminded HE is my source.

For me to be reminded I must be emptied of myself to be filled anew.

To be willing to lay every single piece at His feet and turn it loose. To pay that price.

To pour out my praise without expectation of what the response is going to be but at the same time KNOWING the Lord takes what we have lost and returns it in abundance.

To know and believe that my praise is more than a sound. My praise is a gateway to align my flesh and my spirit. My praise is a catalyst to propel me forward in the battle.

He loves when we’re empty, not because he’s cruel but because of his grand love for us meaning he can fill us all the more. When we’re empty and we bring ourselves forward, we’re a vessel he can fill.

A season that prunes.

A season that removes.

A season that sheds layers of all kinds.

It isn’t pretty and it feels so raw in the moment BUT what a blessing this season is turning out to be.

♥️