Tonight I shared pieces of my heart with our youth group.

I’m a planner.

I’m a list maker.

I’m incredibly organized and a “ducks in a row” kind of girl.

So, naturally,..the Lord gave me one sentence to speak on and then completely blocked me from planing ahead every time I tried to write down my notes. Last night, in my last attempt to get some notes together and drawing a blank, I said “okay Lord…I’m just going to trust that you have a plan and will be willing to allow you to speak through me.”

So I did.

And he did.

He ministered to me this week too.

The word he dropped in my spirit a few weeks ago when our Youth Pastor texted me was “we must allow ourselves to be complete in HIM.”

As I’ve meditated on this, I’ve been reminded of where our identity comes from.

It isn’t what we DO.

It isn’t who we interact with.

It isn’t the tasks we accomplish.

It isn’t our marital status, job, or social stance.

It isn’t our political affiliation .

It isn’t how well liked we are.

It’s found in him. He knew us before we were born. He knew us before we were formed. He knew the plan for our lives before we were thought of here on Earth.

He has a plan. For prosperity and not harm. For hope and a future.

There is an expected end for me, for you, for all of us.

We won’t be spared endurance of hardship.

We aren’t promised it will be easy.

We are promised there will be rain (both on the just and the unjust). Promised that he works ALL things to the good of those who love him. Promised that no weapon formed will prosper. Promised he who began a good work in us will be faithful to complete it.

We can’t sit on cruise control. We have to put our shoulder to the plow and put the work in BUT who we are is already established.

We can choose to ignore it, choose not to accept it BUT it’s true all the same.

This week I received the news that my divorce was finalized. Naturally, I knew that was coming. It was the clear next step in this process.

I wasn’t prepared for the response I would have at those words.

For the somber finality it would inevitably bring.

For the immediate lie campaign the enemy would begin trying to spin in my mind.

The Lord knew. He knew two weeks ago that I’d need reminding of who I am and whose I am this week.

He knew I’d need his gentle voice reminding me.

He knew that I’d need to speak to this group of young people and encourage them in the Lord because it would 100% be an encouragement for me as much as them.

I’m grateful that I may not have all the answers, I may not always understand, I may not be able to make sense of my season of loss (friends, family, my marriage) but I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am complete in HIM.

That HE has a plan.

That HE knows what my tomorrow holds.

That HE is faithful and restores all the locusts have eaten.

Not just for me but for you too, my friend. Lay down your burdens and allow him to speak into you. Allow him to remind YOU that you are his, you are loved, you are called with purpose and created ON purpose.

♥️

If you’re new here, hi…I’m Teresa. I’m a grateful believer in Jesus Christ and I’m currently in a season of healing following divorce. For this entry, I’ve felt led to share some of the most raw and vulnerable pieces of my healing journey so far. If this is for you, I see you there and so does the Lord. Be encouraged.

Something I don’t think enough people talk about with divorce is how difficult it can be to find your way back to YOU.

Don’t get me wrong…I’ve always been ME but going from Teresa (wife and mother) to Teresa (single co-parent) with way more time on her hands than she’s had in 15-16 years is not easy.

Regardless of the stage I’ve been in my life, my faith has always been the core of who I am. My relationship with my Father has always been where I found identity. I’ve always been able to navigate the troublesome waters with the Lord by my side. This experience rocked me to the core of who I am more than any other season I’ve walked.

What I’ve realized as I’ve navigated the 8 months after filing for divorce is I previously spent so much time relying on my relationships with other believers and like-minded people. I had a relationship with the Lord, of course, but it wasn’t until my relationships with those believers around me shifted unexpectedly that I saw the impact of that. Meaning when the unfathomable happened and I “lost” many of those relationships…I didn’t know what to do. I had expected I would lose people in my life because of my divorce, that is inevitable. I did NOT expect it to happen the way it did though.

I spent several months learning to navigate my faith anew because of that. I was hurting and struggling to trust in relationships (outside of my closest best friends who honestly were lifesavers in this space). I struggled with things that had been spoken over/about me from individuals who I now recognize felt they were helping (but were incorrect). I never left my faith or abandoned everything but I definitely had to spend some time understanding the root of that hurt and that it didn’t correlate directly to the love of my Father for me. I had to really sort through and seek answers, I had to ask a LOT of questions. I had to be real and raw and acknowledge some things in me I didn’t realize were broken. I had to the let the Lord do a LOT of healing (and he still is).

It didn’t happen over night, making my way back. It was definitely a trial by fire situation though. Several months later, I finally identified the root of that hurt as “humans are fallible.” I KNEW that but there are some people in our lives that we don’t expect to ever hurt or betray us. People we trust implicitly. OUR people. It’s important to learn and understand that people WILL fail but God remains the same. We cannot place the core of our faith in those around us but we also cannot live life completely guarded and trust no one.

I worked in recovery for many years and I have witnessed the testimony of so many “back from rock bottom” stories. In every testimony, there is ALWAYS a period of the worst heartbreak and despair before the breaking happens and the dawn comes forward. What I can tell you is that is true in all situations and seasons of hardship. I did reach a moment of “I can’t carry this anymore” a few months into this journey. I laid on my face on my bedroom floor because I couldn’t fathom sitting on my bed in that moment. I didn’t have the strength. I cried out to the Lord with every question and heartache I’d been carrying. I lamented. I allowed him to pull those pieces out of me.

Here’s the hard part – the WORK came after. It wasn’t instantaneous achievement. I started praying the Lord would reveal and remove any people in my life that shouldn’t be there and place the right people in my path. I prayed the Lord would open my heart to anyone he was placing there. I unexpectedly lost one of my closest friends after this through a revealed set of untruths and lies. I grieved the loss of our friendship heavily (and still do on some days) but I also gained the re-entrance of a childhood friend in my life whose children have become some of my kiddos’ close friends and had another former adult friend re-enter my life with her kiddos who are also a phenomenal set of friends to my babies.

When we are in our darkest seasons, it HURTS. There will be painful portions for us to navigate. There will be moments when you feel like you simply can’t move ahead. There may even be moments when you find yourself breaking down. The loss may feel unbearable. HOLD ON. Trust in the Lord. Press in and ask him to reveal opportunities for healing in your life. Trust that he has a plan.

I can assure you, I’m living proof he is faithful. I’ve seen his work in my life time and time again. I’ve seen seemingly hopeless situations be orchestrated to the good of those who love him time and time again.

He takes our broken pieces, our mourning, our despair, our ashes and exchanges them for wholeness, gladness, peace, and beauty. The darkness you’re enduring won’t even compare to the joy that’s coming.

If I can be praying with you in your season of hardship, please let me know. I’m happy to cover you and remind you of the promises of the Lord. ♥️

I work in Sales Enablement and I taught new hires for multiple years before moving into my current role. One of the first things I always wanted to establish with my teams was what their learning styles were. Why? Because if someone was struggling to understand a concept I was teaching, I could easily adapt that to them in a way I could help it make sense.

I love that the Lord knows me so well that he always speaks to my heart in the ways that make the most sense. I’m a hands on learner meaning I need to DO something to learn it easily. However, I’m complex and also do well with visuals that I can conceptualize.

So often, the Lord ministers to me when I’m completing tasks that he can draw parallels to for me (I’m working with my hands AND I get a visual) and each time he does it, I’m so overwhelmed with gratitude.

Today I was out mowing my yard. I have a rather large yard that is (mostly) flat and I have a self-propelled lawn mower. The first time I mowed here, I learned the areas that are wettest in my yard, the areas that have hidden rocks or holes, the areas where there are many difficult navigations needed.

Now, in those areas I know I might have to make the blade higher or lower in order to be efficient in cutting the grass and also in order not to stall the engine. I also know that these areas do NOT work well with the self-propelled function and are going to take a little more “umph” from my body manually in order to get all of the grass taken care of.

I’m the type of person that will 100% do the hardest task on my list first and get it over with. So I started with the side of my yard I knew would be like a swamp and very dense so I could knock it out before I moved to the part of my yard I could lower the blade.

Here I am, mowing my yard and knocking out some of these hardest pieces and my super sweet neighbor texted to see if I wanted them to come over with their riding mower and knock out the biggest part of my yard for me. I responded that I appreciated them but I really like the exercise (which is 100% accurate) and the Lord started to speak to me about how I don’t let people love me. My love language is acts of service. Which means that when I won’t let people do things for me, I’m refusing to let them demonstrate love to me. Granted, my neighbor doesn’t know that about me and was just offering out of the kindness of their hearts (and I’m thankful cause we all need kind folks surrounding us).

I kept mowing and the Lord continued to lay out more visuals about mowing my yard and our lives spiritually. We go through so many seasons in lives. Some areas will have swampy areas and we’re carrying pieces that weigh us down and trying to navigate. We can’t “self-propel” through these seasons because they take more of a manual commitment. We have to tread carefully and we have to keep ourselves on our path steadily knowing this part doesn’t last forever. We have to dig in with the tools we have (prayer, the Bible, fasting, worship, etc).

Some seasons are flat and easy. We can go into auto-pilot. We can turn that self-propelled function on and allow the Holy Spirit to just push on with us.

Some seasons are rocky and there are holes hidden everywhere that serve no purpose but to trip or injure us if we don’t acknowledge them and keep our focus on the Lord ahead where it belongs. We have to be vigilant with our wits about us as we tread carefully and use wisdom and discernment (that only comes from the Lord) to navigate these areas carefully.

I was self-propelling along on a fairly flat area and the bag that collects the grass had gotten pretty full so I stopped to empty it into a landscaping bag. When I got back to my mower and reattached the bag and I started my mower again and got back to it, I thought “oh my goodness, I didn’t realize how heavy that full bag was on this flat part” and the Holy Spirit reminded me that even in the “self-propelled” areas, when we allow ourselves to continue carrying the baggage that isn’t FOR us to carry, the things that have been meant for discard…we don’t even realize how heavy that is and the impact it’s having…until we lay it down and allow him to dispose of it.

Lastly, I was mowing through the TONS of dandelions in my yard (seriously, there are so many and they’ll pop back up in just a day to two) and thinking of those weeds being annoying. The Lord reminded me that those weeds are a huge help to the pollinators right now when not everything has bloomed. That they serve a purpose in some seasons. That there are seeds being planted and spread wide with those dandelions (usefulness in both forms of their life cycle).

Leave it to the Lord to take a manual task I’m doing and give me so many things to think about.

Lord, help me to be mindful of my season, of allowing others to love me, of accepting those pieces, of seeds I’m carrying that need planting, to always see the beauty in each of these seasons, and above all to align myself to your heart and your direction at all times.

♥️

In my Sunday School class, we have been studying the gospel of John and the letter he wrote to the church at Ephesus. We’ve been studying first loves and how the church’s love had waned as false teaching was adopted into the church/doctrine.

I grew up in the church I now attend. I haven’t attended there for the last 20 years but my foundation in Jesus began there. We had amazing children’s workers who poured into us and taught us about the love of Jesus (and we still do). I fell in love with Jesus here at this church.

Over the years, I’ve grown in my walk with the Lord. I’ve pressed into more of him, I’ve experienced more of him, I’ve loved him greatly and been loved greatly by him. I’ve also failed him so many times and in multiple ways. I’ve accepted things I shouldn’t have, I’ve sown into areas in my life that had no business in my fields (and reaped from them destruction), I’ve focused more on what I looked like or how I was perceived than what lied in my heart. I’m so grateful for grace, mercy, and forgiveness.

That brings me to worship.

From the time I was a little girl, the Lord and I have always most interacted in worship. I’ve been drawn to him in music and I’m very sensitive there (I have to be mindful of how much/what I listen to because of this sensitivity). I’ve always felt free to lift my hands, to raise my voice, to cry out to him in the altar. That combined with the fact I have a musical ability has led me to a platform of worship in different times of my life.

What I have found is that the more I operate in this gift, the more the enemy opposes me. The more he works to discourage me with my worship. To try and have me compare myself to other leaders, other worshippers. To remind me I’m “too much” or that I “shouldn’t” act a certain way when I worship because it might be “distracting.” The devil is a liar.

“Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.”
‭‭John‬ ‭4‬:‭23‬-‭24‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Our Father draws us unto him in worship. We can see documentation of worship in the Bible of singing, dancing, weeping, rejoicing, clapping and raising of hands, etc. Yet the enemy seeks to keep us bound in our worship. Fearful of what others may think, what others may say, whether or not we’re genuine, whether or not we’re going to sound nice.

Let me say that if there is FEAR, it is NOT of the Lord. 2 Timothy 1:7 tells us the Lord has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind. The enemy uses fear that is rooted in shame or guilt in order to keep us bound. Keeping us bound in shame or in guilt will force us to cower in the presence of God rather than take hold of all he has for us. When we are bound in shame and guilt, we feel unworthy or undeserving of love, goodness, kindness, mercy, sometimes even forgiveness.

There is freedom in the Lord. There is freedom in our worship. When we lay down every piece of ourselves, when we cast aside every thought or perception of another, and instead boldly approach the throne, hands raised and hearts lifted in praise for the goodness of who the Lord is…THAT is when chains are broken, that is when restoration comes, that is when there is FREEDOM in his spirit.

”Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.“
‭‭Romans‬ ‭12‬:‭1‬-‭2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

”But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.“
‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭3‬:‭16‬-‭17‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Worship doesn’t have to sound a certain way.

Worship doesn’t have to look a certain way.

You can:

Raise your hands – high or low.

Jump. Dance. Shout. March. Run.

But you NEED to:

Align your heart to the heart of the Father in repentance and reverence and then follow his lead.

Worship isn’t about US. It isn’t about the harmony we sing, the movement we make, there’s no magic formula or cheat code that ushers in the spirit. It isn’t about anyone in the room but HIM.

Our worship is a place in which we lay down ourselves, the weight we carry, the day to day struggles, and we cry out to the Lord because he is holy, he is worthy, he is good.

There is nothing good IN me except him. I know that and I acknowledge that daily to remind myself.

Worship doesn’t just happen in the sanctuary on Sunday morning, it can happen right where you are. I’d even argue it needs to happen where you are more often than it happens on Sunday morning. Focus on the Lord and use your voice to express what he means to you (close your eyes if you need to, lift your hands, weep, cry out, shout, jump, dance, etc.).

He hears us. He sees us. He communes with us. All because he loves us. ♥️

I realized lately that I’ve never given a full written account of Eloise’s healing (either one) and wanted to write it out to share.

My youngest turned 12 last month. At two different points in her life there have been questions around whether or not she would live. But God!

My pregnancy with Eloise was normal. She measured well, I fared well, no crazy problems to note. Her birth was bit traumatic as we realized her umbilical cord was the diameter of a pencil and was wrapped around her body, resulting in an emergency c-section that didn’t happen as soon as it should have. This meant there was meconium present in the womb and Eloise had to be intubated to prevent the possibility of lung collapse. She had an MRI that highlighted concerns with her brain, other tests highlighted concerns with her heart, additional testing highlighted concerns with her neurological function.

We spent 9 days in the NICU then were able to room in on the PEDS floor with her. In her first two years of life, we saw so many specialists and began both OT and PT to help her with her delayed development. At one point before her 1st birthday, we were told by her pediatric neurologist that she was a very likely candidate for cerebral palsy. He advised she would likely never walk unassisted, she would face numerous delays and potentially never develop as her peers would.

I began to speak against that. Our church family also prayed with her Father and I. We spoke life into her body. We began to see changes in her, continued change and restoration. By 2, the same neurologist who advised she wouldn’t function was releasing her from his care because he could no longer find a deficit. One by one, all of her specialists were eliminated as she grew and developed and “caught up” with her peers. We heard Dr’s say many times that it shouldn’t be happening this way and it just didn’t make sense.

That baby ran, jumped, played, sang, twirled, and danced just as well as (and more sassily than) her peers. If you hadn’t known her story, you wouldn’t know to watch her.

Fast forward to 2021, at 9 years old she was diagnosed with COVID. We were advised it was a pretty mild case, her lungs sounded clear, she should be fine. That was on Wednesday 9/8/21. By Saturday, we knew something wasn’t right. We went to the Saturday hours at our pediatrician, saw the practice partner working that day, were in and out in 15 mins and told there wasn’t much we could do…it was COVID, she’d be fine. By Monday night (9/13) she struggled so much and we knew we needed medical help. An ER trip landed us being admitted to a local hospital when the first set of X-rays were taken and showed how sick her lungs were. We spent a few days here before being taken by ambulance to the closest Niswonger children’s hospital and being admitted to the PICU on 9/15.

During the first several days at both hospitals, the COVID testing was inconclusive and there was question as to whether or not this was the diagnosis. There was a panel to test for all respiratory viruses done at Niswongers that confirmed COVID.

At this point, we were being given antibiotics, fluids, and steroids to try and open her lungs all via IV. Her labs from the initial pediatrician appointment had also come back that she had a UTI as well. There was just so much happening in her body. The greatest concern was that Eloise’s lungs were incredibly sick.

Eloise’s O2 stats were struggling to stay above 80, especially if she left the bed to use the restroom. We were placed on a bi-pap machine to try and help force oxygen into her body and help her lungs adapt. On 9/18, there was an attempt to wean her to lower bi-pap settings because of improvement shown but this wasn’t tolerated and the X-rays showed there was a pneumonic thorax on the right lung (but the lung had not collapsed). This struggle to maintain O2 continued for about two days and then well after midnight on 9/20, her O2 was struggling so much that she began panicking because she couldn’t breathe well. I climbed into the bed with her to lay her on my chest and speak into her ear to try and help calm her and get her O2 stats to stabilize with deep breaths.

RT was directing her Dad, myself, and the nurse who was in the room with us in full PPE from outside of the room. Then her O2 stats dropped below 70 and a decision was made that she needed intubation. It was around 3 am at this point, we were escorted from the room and could only watch as a team of individuals went to work on our daughter who was sedated and place on a ventilator.

A dear friend sat on the phone with me and prayed over me as the Spirit led her. We were allowed back into the room around 6am. I can tell you that this night will forever be the most traumatic instance I’ve ever endured, I can’t even begin to describe all of the emotions we experienced this night. When the AM Dr came into the room to explain what was happening, I had already been in prayer all through the night. I had already been calling on the name of Jesus and standing on the promise that I knew she wasn’t healed as a toddler to lose her life at 9 years old. So her Dad and I stood here and we listened to this Dr. (whom we gave the moniker of Dr Doom & Gloom) explain the numbers on her ventilator, the statistics that we could reference from these numbers, the very unlikely possibility she would recover, he stood there and he told us there was not much hope. At one point, he offered to have us call someone and have him explain this to them because we weren’t reacting as he expected and he believed us in shock from the events of the night. I advised him we were understanding the complexity of what he was explaining, we could acknowledge what those numbers outlined, but we were not without hope because we knew the Lord was in this with us. He continued to speak “plainly” so I could understand the severity of the situation and grasp that my daughter was more likely to die than live.

As he did, everything inside of my spirit reacted. I excused myself to the restroom in our isolation room and left Mike to continue the discussion. I began to rebuke every word spoken that didn’t align with healing. I began to speak life over my daughter. I began calling on the name of the Lord and when I ran out of words, I allowed the Holy Spirit to speak on Eloise’s behalf. The Lord spoke to me during the morning as I sat alone in Eloise’s room (I believe her Dad had gone to find coffee and food for us from outside of the hospital) and told me that the room was too quiet. I was instructed to create a playlist or worship songs, dedicate a device to it, and keep it playing at all times. So I did. I asked for suggestions from friends and family to add to it. We needed up with a list of about 10 hours of worship songs that played on a loop non-stop.

We stayed on the vent for 10 days. Every day, I laid my hands on this baby and prayed over her. I posted Bible verses around her bed and her room to read aloud. My pastor at that time had just preached from Habakkuk about writing on a tablet and making plain the declarations of the Lord and I had written out what I was standing on for Eloise and posted it on the wall. I sang over her. I worshipped and prayed more than I have in any other season of my life.

For another season of life, my girl had multiple Dr’s working on her case. Every time a number was given to us that we needed to see, I shared it with our prayer warriors. Whether or not they understood what a “peep” number was didn’t matter… they were standing for it to move. There was concern for MISC with her heart and treatment given for that. There was concern for the air pocket on her right lung. There was concern for the vile amount of fluid being suctioned from her lungs daily.

We continued to stand on the Word. We continued to claim the promises of God over Eloise. I spoke to her body. I spoke to her spirit. I told her to come alive in the name of Jesus. I spoke the her lungs to be renewed by the breath of God breathing into her. I prayed prayers I could never have prayed on my own, as the Holy Spirit placed them within me. Our prayer warriors stood firm and spoke over and on behalf of us. Individuals we have never met covered us in prayer. The Lord provided financial reprieve through the entire hospital stay and afterward. The Lord spoke to our hearts and encouraged us daily.

Improvements began. Improvements continued. We were told that the numbers we were seeing did NOT make sense with the visuals we were seeing from her fail X-rays. We were told that medically the improvements being seen didn’t line up. Our Dr “Doom and Gloom” began to tell us we were his favorite to visit because he loved seeing her beat the odds. Staff told us they loved coming to our room because it felt different in there. We prayed over other children in the PICU from our isolation room. I cannot even begin to outline the number of people the Lord placed in our path during this journey that he ministered to through our being there. Not because of us at all but because of HIM and for his glory.

On 9/30/21, we were extubated. Everyone held their breath and waited to see if the critical time period when she may need to be reintubated would pass or not. We stood. She excelled. Her O2 stats held without needing the additional oxygen, within 48 hours she was breathing room air without needing any supplemental supply.

There were some hiccups following extubation with medication and what seemed to be cognitive impact. We continued to stand on the promise we’d been given. Eloise was moved from the PICU to the PEDS floor and advised we’d need an outpatient facility. We did PT/OT for several days and again, the vast improvement meant that when we were discharged, we went home and continued PT at a local facility. Discharge came suddenly and unexpectedly on 10/19/21, a little over 5 weeks after our initial admission.

Anyone who knows my girl knows she loves to sing. There was concern with her lungs and her vocal cords at one point but let me tell you she has breath in her lungs and full capacity to sing. She worships, she dances, she plays. She’s is truly a walking, talking miracle child.

I cannot WAIT to see all the Lord has in store for her. I can honestly tell you that I know all of these aspects of her testimony are 100% for HIS glory. This testimony isn’t a testament to anyone/anything else other than the power and faithfulness of the Lord. My girl is literally a miracle I was able to witness as she was healed without any type of longstanding impact…twice! I will never tire of telling this story or giving glory back to my creator for all he has done for us. ♥️

Y’all. Sometimes we endure seasons of hardship and hurt. They come in various forms but one that not a lot of folks speak on is “church hurt.” I’ve had so many people share their experiences with me over the past year, outlining so many different avenues of this particular wound.

The theme I’ve heard in many stories outlines people of the church who set out with “well intent” to “help” someone else in the church under the guise of the heart of the Father. Now, let me be clear that I do believe believers must sharpen one another, we have a duty to speak truth in love to one another, and we must be obedient to the Holy Spirit. But we must also recognize that it isn’t our job to “correct” or “condemn.” When we yield to the Holy Spirit, he is able to use us but we must take on and operate in his attributes and not our own to truly be effective.

Personally, I had never experienced a deep hurt from a church experience until last year. The details of what happened aren’t relevant to what I want to convey here but instead where I landed in that experience and the faithfulness of God following.

I am a firm believer in Romans 8:28, I believe God works ALL things to the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. I don’t want to lose the context around that scripture either that clearly outlines that the Holy Spirit speaks on our behalf when we don’t have the words to convey. I can tell you I truthfully cannot count the tears or times I had to truly lean into that passage through this experience. Time spent lying on my face on the floor in various rooms in my home because I just couldn’t carry the weight anymore.

I won’t pretend that entry into this season didn’t shake me to my core. That I didn’t have to allow the Lord to speak to and draw my broken heart for months. I spent so much time questioning myself, whether or not I could truly be used by God (or ever had been), trying to understand if I had somehow been fooled into believing lies and deceptions about myself and my own understanding of who God has always been in my life. I craved community and fellowship but became so fearful around the authenticity of the heart of others. For the first time in my life, I felt truly and utterly broken, unworthy, and alone. I did have a handful of wonderful framily folks who supported, loved, and checked on me and I’m grateful for them.

You see, I can look back at seasons in my life and I can see the faithfulness of God sprinkled throughout. I can see his hand working to turn things the enemy meant to destroy me, I can see his protection and shielding in multiple areas, I can see how he guided and strengthened me in my most difficult seasons, even when I didn’t always see it in the moment.

And so, as I faced this season, this time of hurt and heartache wrapped up in so many other areas of disappointment and shifting in my life, I began to acknowledge “Lord, if you can use all of those pieces, you can use this. If I need to be completely broken and rebuilt in this season, I’ll trust that this will work to my good, as it always has.” During that same time, I began praying that I not allow this to become bitterness within me. That I not behave in ways the Lord would deem wicked, that I not walk in unforgiveness or seek justification. The Holy Spirit in me wouldn’t allow me to be consumed by those hurting areas (🙌🏻). Even on days when I couldn’t pray, when all I could do was cry, I held to knowing that the sorrow may last through the night but joy comes in the morning.

What I have learned is that God doesn’t shy away from our questions. He isn’t offended by my emotions. He isn’t thinking about how terribly I’ve “let him down” based on the standards that were being placed around me by people who didn’t have all of the pieces and know the complexity of a situation. Standards that were set incorrectly, even if they were stated out of love or concern.

The same way that when one of my children is heartbroken, I scoop them up in my arms and remind them of who they are and how much I love them…God has been right there to do that for me. Even when I allowed a misrepresentation of who he is to cause me to question all of the things I’ve already learned about him in my life…he has been patient. He has been faithful and has reminded me constantly of his love for me and of who I am.

Through this season of hurting, I’ve learned so many things, about myself, about others, about the Lord. A few I’ll share:

– I love those close to me with everything inside of me and because of that, I can be easily wounded by someone I have trusted enough to care about. In these moments I have to choose to own any part I’ve played, offer my forgiveness, place a boundary when it’s needed, dust my shoes off if necessary, and love them anyway (even if from afar).

– Not everyone who is beside you is in support of you BUT there ARE kind, honest, loving individuals who will show up in difficult seasons and shoulder a burden that isn’t theirs out of love FOR you.

– God doesn’t turn away from our brokenness. He isn’t ashamed of our emotions or need for comfort and healing. He isn’t weighing our hearts against the approval of others. He looks upon us, sees each one of us in our entirety, corrects us when we need it, but loves and supports us all the same.

– Brokenness does not equate uselessness. There is yet work to be done and brokenness is often required for rebirth. Trials 100% turn into testimonies.

– There is joy that is coming. It may seem foreign, it may feel as though the sorrow is unending, but there is joy that is coming.

I say all of the above to say…if you are in a season of hurting, or perhaps a season where you’ve been consumed by bitterness or the negativity that came in behind the hurt space…it isn’t too late, you aren’t too far gone. Stop what you’re doing and call out to your Father. He longs to embrace you and to replenish all that you lost (whether it was taken from you or you played a part in giving it away).

It won’t be easy. It will hurt.

Allowing healing to come doesn’t mean it’s instantly “all better.” There will be hurdles to overcome, there will be areas of opportunity for you to address, there will likely be emotions tied in and perhaps many tears.

It’s a journey. One day and one step at a time. You have to CHOOSE to walk in it. You have to CHOOSE to forgive, whether or not you receive an apology, whether or not someone recognizes that hurt that was caused.

It won’t happen overnight. You may have 14 good days and then a day when you cry between meetings at work. That’s okay. You have to go THROUGH to get to where you’re going. You can’t sit, you can’t wallow, you can’t ignore it. You have to go through.

You aren’t alone.

Your Heavenly Father will be there every step of the way. He loves you and he’s rooting for you!

And if you need an in-person supporter to listen (with or without commenting back), I’m happy to lend an ear and/or encouragement. ♥️

The last two weeks have been exhausting for me. Mentally and emotionally, there have been so many things happening that have just drained me.

I was lying in bed one night last week and I was crying out to God with all of the pieces on my heart. I was having an earnest conversation with him about how I’m feeling and things I’m facing. Seeking guidance and asking for clear vision.

And in that moment, as I lay in my bed and cried out to the Lord, I said “I wish you could just hug me. That you could just wrap your arms around me and remind me that you love me.”

And I didn’t give that statement another thought.

Fast forward to this past Wednesday night. I was a bit drained on Wednesday. Many things weighed heavily on my heart. I made it to church and got to see an old friend who was in town visiting her family. I was asked to help lead worship and hopped up on the stage and began to lay myself to the side and allow my spirit to relish in giving praise to my Father.

At altar service, I sat in my seat and just prayerfully sought the Lord. Suddenly a dear friend of mine came up behind me, wrapped her arms around me, and began to speak over me. Began reminding me that God loved me, he was proud of me, he was present in my worship. And then she said “I saw you and felt led to come and hug you and thought ‘of course I want to hug Teresa, I love her’ and then she said “but I heard the Lord say he wanted me to make sure he knew it was Him. That HE was there. That HE was wrapping his arms around you and just loving on his girl.” 😭

When I say this has WRECKED me this week, I mean it. I’ve said it out loud to a friend and cried. I have cried remembering it here to type it out.

I share all of this not because I’m special so God sent someone to hug me but because in the middle of our heartache, our battle, our toughest seasons…he sees us, he hears us, he loves us.

I’m reminded of the story of Hagar and how she called upon El Roi – the God who sees me.

Be encouraged today! You aren’t insignificant, you aren’t unseen or unloved. God is present, even in the little things. ♥️

Y’all. This has been a WEEK.

I won’t go into all the things that have been happening but I’ll share a really cool story.

We had some serious rain last week. I live in VA and the house I purchased last Fall was built in 1915 and has a half basement/half crawl space. Like most unfinished basements, I have a sump pump to keep water from collecting.

I noticed after our big rain storm that my sump pump was just not cutting off. It ran for a few days before I finally thought there’s no way there’s this much water. I went to investigate and discovered that the pump was a dinosaur but was still trucking along. However, the float arm no longer triggered the mechanism to cut off (and no amount of moving it convinced it to do otherwise). Naturally, as a single woman with no knowledge of sump pumps, I called my plumber. He came the next day and checked it out for me, confirmed I needed a new pump, and made plans to come back the next day to install it.

I needed to unplug it but keep an eye out for the pit filling up so I could plug it up and empty it out. At that point, we had a 4 hour window before water escaped the pit. So I got up through the night, stacked my work breaks during the day and kept a handle on it for those two nights before the new one was installed.

Wednesday came, new sump pump was installed, it worked beautifully. Just in time too because it rained Wednesday and my window was cut down to 1 hour between needing to pump (which meant I couldn’t meet that demand and there was some overflow in the basement that needed attention from me).

I slept Wednesday night but woke up at 5am Thursday morning to a noise I knew just wasn’t right. So, back to my basement I went and determined that the float was dropping but not triggering the switch on my NEW pump. The difference was I COULD push the arm down and it turned off.

I checked all around the float. Looked for debris that was blocking it. Found nothing. Knew my plumber was having eye surgery that day and wouldn’t make it back out until next week, pending recovery. So I unplugged the new pump and made the every 1 hour trip (as often as I could) for the manual pump through the day.

On top of the sump pump I had some other personal pieces that popped up this week and I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.

I ended up at urgent care after work yesterday because I’ve fought a fever for two days and knew I’d scraped my arm on some metal in my basement the night before that was a bit tender. 2.5 hours, 1 tetanus shot, and some prescription cream later, there was water in my basement that I needed to help make its way back to the pit.

After cleaning, I laid down in bed and was really dreading knowing the every hour alarm I was going to need to set to be vigilant and ensure there’s no excess water. So I started praying. I started telling the Lord how exhausted I was, how if there was any way for this to be fixed tonight I’d appreciate knowing how or a miracle to happen. I event uttered “the Bible says we have not because we do not ask and I’m asking right now for help.”

I said amen and started playing a game on my switch to waste the little bit of time left to my next pumping date and then bed. As I laid there, clear as day I saw myself with a rubber glove, in my basement, pulling metal bits out of my sump pump pit.

So I did what anyone who knows to respond to the urge of the spirit of the Lord would do. I got up, found some of my rubber cleaning gloves, grabbed a bucket and some supplies and set out to my basement to do what I’d seen, having NO clue why or how that would work.

I plugged up the pump and I let it run to empty the pit and then as it cleared, started collecting some bolts and various pieces I could see. I just pulled things out of there that didn’t seem to belong. If I fished out a rock, I put it back because in researching I learned gravel is usually the bottom filtration layer of a pit for the ground water entry.

As I was working, I didn’t even notice at first when that pump just cut off on its own. I was using my flashlight and fishing out any debris I could see that didn’t seem to belong there and collecting it into my bucket. Then it hit me.

The pump was off.

I immediately thought “Did the motor burn out from running dry last night?” and pulled the float arm up to hear the pump start again. I released it and it turned off again.

Fast forward. It has worked perfectly all night and all day.

Now…why am I talking about a sump pump and some crazy lady vision I had?

Simple.

When I initially checked the pit for debris that was blocking the pump at 5am, I noticed those metal bits but they were rusted, they’d obviously been there for some time, they were stuck in the back corners and not even near the float or the pump. It seemed completely unrelated and harmless enough for me not to see a need to remove them.

How often do we have things in our lives, things that have been around for some time and seem harmless and we don’t really even notice them anymore because they’re part of our day to day BUT they’re actually interfering with the functionality of the spirit moving in our lives?

We don’t even notice that they interfere.

Or maybe we do but we think “no, it doesn’t make sense for those pieces to be impacting here.”

Now, let’s look at obedience.

What if I’d had that vision, thought “huh…that’s weird,” set my alarm for 1 hour from now and went to sleep geared up to wake up all night long and exhaust myself? What if I’d brushed away how silly it seemed to go root around in a dark pit of water, poking in places I had no business in?

Except…I OWN this house. That pit belongs to me. I didn’t make it, I inherited it. It’s mine to care for.

I prayed in earnest for a miracle to come. I prayed from a point of desperately needing a solution and knowing I don’t have one but believing one existed and my Father who created the heavens and the Earth could find one. I didn’t expect an easy fix with no work from me. I know faith takes action (faith without works is dead after all). So when I had that vision, I recognized that didn’t come from myself and went to work.

Do I know, even now, how it solved it or how it tied in? Nope.

But I know I was obedient to what was being asked of me. There are times when we need to commit to doing what is asked of us. Don’t question, don’t doubt, don’t explain it away. DO put action behind your faith.

It would be easy to sit in the same place and complain, maybe even cry and ask the Lord why you’re praying but there isn’t an answer.

Is there anywhere where have you ignored direction?

Has there been an instruction you thought didn’t make sense and didn’t follow through?

Have you earnestly asked for the revelation you need to have in order to put this into action?

I might not be a plumber and I might not be trained or knowledgeable when it comes to sump pumps…BUT I have hands and I’m not afraid to get a little bit dirty in order to follow the instruction I’ve been given.

Our willingness. Our obedience. Our hands to the plow. That’s what it’s going to take.

We don’t have to make the plan, we don’t have to know the plan, we don’t have to see how the plan pieces together.

We have to be willing to trust the one who’s holding the map and believe the destination is in our favor.

♥️ Teresa

Tonight is a night when I can’t sleep and the Lord is reminding me of things that have been rolling around in my spirit for a bit.

Relationships – romantic, friendship, parental, working, etc. are all made up of two parts.

There is a relational or personal aspect where you get to know someone. You learn their preferences, their personality, their charismatic pieces, what makes them tick.

There there is also the legalistic side or the covenant portion. The rules that govern them, the boundaries they have in place for what they will and won’t accept relationally, the very definition of the black and white they live by.

I was thinking about this in terms of my children. I, as their parent, am raising them to be adults. There are many aspects of that. I am teaching them wrong from right, not only teaching but emulating. I am going to provide accountability and discipline for when their behaviors warrant that. I’m going to ensure they understand what they SHOULD do and things they should avoid.

It doesn’t stop there though. If I were to ONLY stress the rules and the accountability, if I were only ever an authoritarian, if I only ever focused on chastising my children for what they did incorrectly or what wasn’t pleasing about their behavior, we would have a really poor relationship.

On the other side of that coin, I have always spent time getting to know my children. I have spent time learning their personalities, falling in love with their facial expressions, watching how they interact with one another and friends and the world, picking up the little things that make them them. Learning their hearts and championing how they apply themselves in all that they do.

I’d even argue that I did the latter first. I fell in love with them much more quickly than I disciplined them. Each time I rocked them, fed them, cared for them, watched their tiny faces as they slept, held their little hands. I fell in love with them and held them so close, knowing they were precious.

Just as I can’t only approach my children with the legalistic pieces, I can’t only love them. I can’t only focus on how in love I am and completely throw shaping them and setting boundaries to the wayside. I must have both.

I must both fall in love with them AND be willing to discipline them BECAUSE I love them. We need both sides.

Now, let’s look at how that compares to our spiritual relationship with our Father.

I accepted the Lord into my heart when I was 5. I remember praying that prayer and being so excited that this Jesus I’d heard so much about was coming to be part of my life. I fell in love with Jesus and loved to hear stories about him and his attributes. Loved to hear about his relationships with others. Loved to praise him and spend time in worship, even at that age.

And he loved me right back. Unconditionally. Every day. Exactly where I was.

Along with learning his attributes, I also learned his commandments and what it meant to be in covenant with God. I learned what grieved his heart and what held potential to separate me from him.

Because I loved HIM, I wanted to follow him. I wanted to align myself to his heart. Because he LOVED me, he wanted me to know what was acceptable and right so I could spend eternity with him. He not only wants to know us but for us to know HIM. He wants us to come to him and share our hearts and for us to seek time to know his. He isn’t a God in the sky waiting with a red pen to mark our mistakes against us. The same way I discipline my children because I love them, the same way I have rules in place to protect them, we must also govern ourselves to his commandments, as Christians. But it isn’t just about the “law.”

We need both halves of that coin.

If Christians become solely focused on the rules, the laws, the regulations…they will lose their love. Likewise, if they become solely focused on the love of God that is all encompassing, they lose sight of what God’s heart is – which is to have a relationship with us so that we spend eternity with him.

Relationship requires both covenant and personal connection. We need the legality/covenant portion AND we need the personal aspects. Without them, we cannot truly understand what it is to love one another.

Just food for thought! ❤ Teresa

I have always been an encourager. I am a “Mama” not only because I have birthed children but because from the time I was small, I’ve always been drawn to care for others. Throughout my life this has manifested in different ways.

I love people who are dear to me with my whole heart. I want to know how you’re doing, I want to ask the hard questions, I will feed you (dinner, snacks, random baked goods), I’ll randomly send you texts/cards/letters and let you know how much you mean to me on a random Tuesday, and I’m a hugger all day. I show up in “Mom” ways because it’s just how I’m wired.

I’ve also always strived to be an includer. I try and pull people together and introduce them through conversation. I try and keep folks connected as much as I can (like the link between) so no one feels alone (this is likely also a Mom quality, I’m realizing as I type this out). I always feel the need to check in and make sure everyone around me is “okay.”

Lately it’s been difficult for me to pour out of myself but I also know that I need to. I don’t feel like me when I’m not encouraging others around me. I don’t feel like me when I’m not loving and supporting people who need that. At the same time, in this season of my life, I’ve been feeling almost as though I can’t do that for others right now. Some days I have felt that call to speak into someone but for the first time in my life, I’ve begun to second guess my worthiness to do that.

In every season of my life, I’ve always known there will be a testimony, a story to tell, on the other side that will encourage others. In the midst of that struggle and battle, it’s never easy to understand or to see where it’s headed. Without fail though, when I get where I’m going…there’s always someone who needs to hear about that journey and the Lord places them in my path to be encouraged and allow me to share.

I’ve lived my fair share of heart break and disappointment in my 37 years of life. I’ll say that this season is, by far, the most difficult season I’ve walked in yet. Many “new” territories to navigate:

– Learning who truly cares about me and having to accept that many in my former circle did not at the end of the day. Even if that means facing more incredible loss than I was prepared to.

– Having to acknowledge my failures and understand and accept my part in circumstances around me but also fearlessly accepting my imperfection and allowing myself to find the beauty in this aspect of my journey.

– Learning how to be a Mom without being a wife.

– Accepting that there have been and will continue to be things spoken and believed about me that aren’t based in truth and trusting that the Lord will sort it all out without my needing to “fix” it.

– Finding how I fit into ministry at this stage of my life and allowing the Holy Spirit to continuously remind me of who I am and that I am incredibly loved by my Father.

– Navigating how to enjoy my own company and remind myself of all of the positive things I do still have to contribute to those around me.

– Forgiving even when there isn’t acknowledgement or repentance and understanding the greatest gift I can give to myself is releasing anger and not allowing bitterness to form.

– Allowing the Lord to remind me that I can’t hide. I can’t withdraw. There’s still work to do and I still have a calling to walk in.

At the end of the day, I wish I could say I’m consistently excelling in all of these areas. I’d love to be able to declare I’m navigating this season of life beautifully. The reality is that some days are better than others and some days are just messy. Every day is one day closer to healing and continuing to press into all the Lord has for me. Every day is a reminder that I’m not where I was.

I’m here.

I’m breathing.

I’m alive.

♥️ Teresa