Hi. I’m Teresa and I sometimes struggle with unworthiness.

Unworthiness became a part of who I was at a young age. Born from childhood trauma tied around fighting for notoriety in a household of two parents facing their own struggles and not knowing how that impacted my brothers and I (each of us differently).

I can remember being as young as 7-8 years old and looking for ways I could position myself favorably to get words of affirmation from others. At that age, I became a “teacher’s pet” because THAT was a more consistent avenue of acknowledgement and hugs.

As I have grown older, I have learned a lot about where those feelings come from, what triggered them, and how to shut them down.

I’ve learned where my worth comes from. I’ve learned that unworthiness is a lie straight from the pit of hell to distract me from my calling. I’ve learned that if I refuse to identify and deal with what is driving that flare up, it will get worse and turn into something bigger.

And yet, there are still times when I find myself in that spiral of not feeling “enough.” In spite of KNOWING all of the things I’ve mentioned.

I saw a meme a few weeks ago that referenced Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages and said that when you’re not in a good mental health state, you will sabotage yourself in your own love language. So…I have two. Mine are tied for Words of Affirmation (surprise surprise) and Acts of Service. According to this meme, your self sabotage for Words of Affirmation is negative self talk/dialogue (✅) and for Acts of Service is procrastinating tasks or chores that help you stay focused (✅).

Right now my house is a mess, y’all. Don’t panic…I’m not going to be showcased on hoarders and there are no pests packing up and moving in, but my usual order is currently chaos. Also, my inner self dialogue has been a struggle to keep in check lately and Ive found myself feeling very undeserving of some really great things happening in my life. Not because I’m ungrateful for them but because I sometimes spend my time waiting on “the bad thing” to happen.

Two weeks ago, I was jotting down thoughts in my “get out of my head” notebook (ask me about this is you want to know what this means) and I recognized it as a spiral piece. I immediately said “I need to change my perspective.” I started sifting through, looking for the root of that mess so I could pull it out (“pluck out the root, destroy the fruit” as my good friend Dena always says).

Here I am, two weeks later, writing about this because I’ve always found that sharing my testimony and struggles is 1) a gift I have and 2) the fastest path to accountability and freedom.

I’m usually joyful. I’m usually encouraging. I’m usually kind and compassionate. When my focus shifts and I’m in this type of mindset, the source of those things isn’t the Lord. When he isn’t in it, y’all…it don’t work. 😬

I have felt my Father reminding and nudging me to use my voice. Speak up to those around me when I notice something or feel gratitude for them (even if it’s small and I think it won’t matter). Share that nice thing you’ve been thinking but haven’t shared with your friend. I’ve even got some new ministry ideas for 2022 that I’m planning to implement birthed from this place.

Tonight, a very dear sister in Christ tagged me in a social media post with a reminder from a word I spoke last year about how we talk to ourselves. Isn’t it funny how the Lord sends people to remind you of things you already know when you need to hear them?

Last but not least, I want to leave on a quote from Lisa Bevere that made me cry tonight. I screenshot this last month and completely forgot about it until I was looking for a photo tonight. It said “I am strong because I am His daughter. I am not a second thought; I am His first love.”

If you’re feeling unworthy or less than tonight, let me just tell you…that isn’t true.

YOU are made strong. YOU are chosen (and handpicked even, not out of obligation). YOU are loved. YOU are enough. ❤️

This is something that’s been kicking around in my spirit. I don’t know if it will be published or just for me to get out of my head. I guess it will depend on where this lands.

I’ve been working for my current employer for (almost) five years. In those years I’ve held a few positions across different LOBs. I’ve worked under multiple Supervisors, some great leaders and others who were finding their way. I’ve been a good boss to some folks but also own that I was less than stellar when I first promoted and was finding MY own way. (If you’re reading this and fall into that latter category, I apologize sincerely).

I’ve been able to impact many people through my various roles and involvements (not always positively, admittedly, but I’ve worked diligently in that regard and recognize the amount of growth I’ve had). Nevertheless, in each role I’ve held, I’ve been in the position to influence others daily.

Looking back on my childhood and young adult years, I can see the hand of God working in my life. I’ve been able to see (in hindsight) my Father has often spared me from situations and/or relationships that I thought made sense at the time. I’m forever grateful for his involvement and faithfulness to me.

In regards to my current life focuses, there have been some points of frustration in my five year journey. Things have been shared by others about me or branded toward me unfairly and inaccurately. Things I’ve worked very diligently to disprove in time. I’ve always believed that my hard work and dedication to my role and company would eventually show the truth.

Naturally, along this path, I’ve had goals to expand my career path and promote further. Knowing that self-awareness and growth are crucial, I often:

1. Reflect on what I’m currently doing

2. Set my next goal

3. Adjust course accordingly

4. Full speed ahead until I meet said goal

5. Realign. Rinse. Repeat.

I’ve interviewed for many positions in my search for further advancement. I’ve taken on new roles and been advised by supervisors that I “meet or exceed expectations” in ranking. I’ve spent hours looking for ways to help others around me. I’ve implemented new things to solve for issues. I’ve reimagined old processes. I’ve studied trends and impacts to help formulate new plans. I’ve done a lot BUT it always seems that the thing I desire isn’t mine to achieve.

This verse from Proverbs has been popping up for me more and more often. “Many are the plans in a man’s heart but it is the Lord’s purpose that will prevail.”-Proverbs 19:21

I’ve begun to reflect on obstacles I face but can’t name, see, or seem to overcome. Things that don’t make sense or seem misaligned. I’ve noticed that the harder I try to reach this goal, the more I seem to hit these hidden pieces. If you have ever faced something and no matter how hard you worked, how much you poured in, how many hours spent, etc., you felt you just couldn’t seem to make headway…you will understand what I’m saying here.

I say all of these things leading up to this because I’ve come to the realization that when my desires don’t line up with the plan for my life, they aren’t attainable. I can choose to expend all of myself to reach a goal that my Father may be shielding me from.

He knew that the place I’ve been over the last few years wouldn’t have been a good place for me to reach that goal. He knew that my tendency for taking on more than I should (but with good intentions) would not be good for me if given more responsibility. He knew that my chasing after and achieving an expanded work title would not sustain me on the path he has for me. He knew the plan all along. He still does. He’s still bringing me to that expected end and sees all of the pieces there.

Outside of work, I also serve in various ministries within my church. I was thinking about how differently I approach those places. Do you know what the difference is? When I’m serving in ministry, it doesn’t bother me if no one acknowledges or appreciates the hard work that goes in. I’m not worried about where my next “promotion” in the Kingdom will be. I’m not focusing on what other positions I can achieve at all. My only focus is on the Kingdom and being available and obedient. To serve joyfully with my whole heart, allowing my Father to use me. It’s not about me.

Now, am I saying that promotions at work are evil? Not at all. Am I saying that working in the corporate world is not something you can do and serve God? Again, not at all.

To be clear, my motives for doing what I do haven’t been to position myself for advancement in my work place because I truly genuinely enjoy helping others and investing in them. However, I’ve been increasingly frustrated with my inability to achieve something that I’m working so hard toward. I’ve allowed myself to tie so much of who I “am” into my inability to be recognized/appreciated by Sr leaders at my place of employment. I’m doing so, I’ve belittled the many people I have touched and impacted in exchange for what I believe I’m not achieving.

I don’t believe that the plan over my life has anything to do with my “grand” work achievements. I don’t believe that having an additional title increases my ability to be used in the Kingdom.

I do believe that I should do all things as if unto the Lord (and that includes not grumbling about the pieces I feel aren’t up to the plans I have for me). I do believe that the word of the Lord will always prevail and that exhausting myself to disprove someone’s opinion is actually counter productive. I do believe that there is no title here on this Earth that compares with what my Father says about me.

I can recognize that these things I’ve not “achieved” have been the hand of my Father sparing me. Sparing me from things of little importance that would only have increased in consuming my time had they been granted in my time table.

I can recognize that my Father, who loves me, wants so much more for me than what I can ask or think. I can recognize that the season of storm I’ve faced for quite some time now feels as though it is nearing an end and I know there is a morning coming. I’m choosing to acknowledge that I don’t have the answers. I don’t know what is best for me. I need my Father to line my path out and direct my steps for sure.

I’m thankful for a Father who loves me too much to waste my time. A Father who reminds me of who I am. A Father who speaks to my heart gently and nudges me toward my expected end.

What does all of this mean for me? A shift in perspective. An aligning of my Kingdom mindset to my work life. A shifting in focus to ensure that all I’m chasing after, what I most desire, all my whole fruits are going toward aligning my heart to my Father’s and that my greatest impact is truly my most intentional focus. ❤️

Sometimes my Father speaks to me in the midst of a struggle. Sometimes he quiets me. Sometimes he reinforces me. Sometimes he encourages me.

Other times he speaks to me before I go into a battle, almost like a warning. Those always feel different. They’re more somber words. More heavily laid out in my spirit. Words that I meditate on.

I’m a very transparent person in that I believe in speaking up and being honest. I don’t see much need in hiding things or attempting to impress folks. Not much point in that mess, in my opinion.

I share lots of things about myself. I have a complex testimony that I speak out about quite often.

Sometimes, though, I’m facing something that requires me to be still. Requires me to be quiet. It’s not something that I should share with others yet. I’m not talking isolation from others, just that I’m partnering with my Father and allowing HIM to be my strength in the battle.

Sometimes we may face things that are heartbreaking. Things that shake us to our very cores. Things that make us look at ourselves very closely and reflect on what we see manifested there.

Now, when we find ourselves in those situations…what we do and who we trust are both important. I’m learning that not everything can or should be shared. Sometimes the Holy Spirit quiets my mouth. Sometimes my Father speaks to my heart and reminds me of a few things.

Last week was one of those times.

I woke up and almost immediately had a word in my heart. “You cannot seek wise council amongst the wicked”

The more I’ve mediated on this word, the more meaning it’s developed.

Who we trust, matters. Who we share our hearts and souls with, matter. Not everyone has your best intention at heart. Not everyone will seek out the opportunity to help you be best heard, understood, and represented. If you are seeking “wise council,” that aligns with the heart of your Father, consider the source of who you’re seeking that from.

A person who doesn’t dwell within the spirit of our Father can’t provide me with reinforcemenf from his Word or reply with discernment manifest only within those aligned to the Father’s heart.

As my last couple of weeks are playing out more and more, I’ve been withdrawing from outside sources and working on focusing on hearing intently from my Father.

I’m so grateful for that still small voice that speaks and reassures. Grateful for redirection. Grateful for peace, direction, and purpose. Thankful for knowing that even when things don’t look like what I thought they would, when doors that seemingly should open don’t quite make it, I’m glad I’m not in control. I know I just make a mess of things.

❤️

“You have not because you ask not”

These are the words the Lord dropped in my spirit a few weeks ago.

Immediately, I started wondering what I was missing. What did I not have? What had I refrained from asking for? Wasn’t I already participating in an open communication with my Father?

As I prayed over the next week or so, I started noticing: I talk through how I’m feeling, I share how much I want to x, y, z, I pray over my kids/husband/family/friends/job—speaking things over each area.

I don’t ask. While I was expressing my desire to be aligned to the heart of my Father, I never expressly asked for that freedom to move into place in my life. While I prayed my children have provision, protection, relationship with Him, I never expressly asked for anything.

Then I began to wonder why do I not ask?

It’s not that I’m fearful. It’s not that I’m entitled and approaching from a sense of entitlement either.

I didn’t ask because I’ve equated asking to having a lack of faith. I’ve adopted “call things as though they were” as my only battle strategy.

Hear me out, we definitely need to speak in faith and stand firm in that and speak to our mountains. I’m not negating that at all BUT that can’t be all that we do.

Think of it in terms of having to have more than one play in a ball game or more than one tool to build a home.

We have to know WHEN calling something as though it were is required and when we just need to go to our Heavenly Father and ASK him for something.

He’s the King of Kings. He literally created and commands everything in existence. WHY in the world would I, as his beloved child, not feel like I can come to him and ask for what I need.

You want to know a (not so secret) secret? He already knows. He knows your heart. He knows your desires. He knows your insecurities. He knows every thought you have. He’s just waiting on you to ask him to be part of it.

“You do not have because you do not ask.”

You need a new job, car, idea, motivation, opportunity, (fill in your blank here)? Ask him. The closer we are to his heart, the more our asks align with HIS heart.

Sometimes there are things that don’t work out the way we had planned. You may love something and put your full effort into making it something you’re proud of, just to have someone else disregard everything you’ve done or worked for. You may make the right arguments and still yet be dismissed as if you had never spoken up. You may find that, despite countless hours of your own personal sacrifice, others find you irrelevant.

I am in a season of pressing. A season of pressure. A season when, despite every best effort I make, I can’t quite get what I need. A season of feeling displaced and under valued. A season of prayer and intercession for making certain I’m truly operating on “less of me” and at the “removal of myself.”

This season is hard. This season is exhausting. This season is trying and seemingly non-stop.

My feelings have been hurt and I’ve pressed on. I have been discarded without care but I’ve kept going. I have had people I once respected show a complete disregard for and toward me. I’ve had the opportunity, multiple times, to believe someone’s actions when they showed that they hold no value for me or what I contribute to a situation but have continued in hopes that I’m incorrect.

I’ve literally come to the end of myself.

Do you know what I have found here? In this place where I can no longer support myself. In this place where I truly have no more effort left to give?

I’ve found my Father who has whispered to me that despite all I’m enduring, I am not alone. I’ve found the Holy Spirit who has wrapped his arms around me and allowed me to cry and grieve all of these pieces. I have found the hope and promise that there is joy that comes in the morning and I’m just waiting for my dawn. I have found that my Father, who knows me better than anyone else, will always remind me of who I am.

I’ve been reminded that my calling isn’t tied to anything about ME but it’s tied instead to who HE is. I’ve found that the greatest impact I have has nothing to do with what I DO but instead who I AM and where I allow the Lord to move freely.

I’ve been reminded that my Father loves me beyond all comprehension. That he will fight for me far more efficiently than I ever could but I have to turn that loose and allow him to.

I’ve found that I am broken. Not in a way that means I’m less valuable but in a way that means I can’t do anything on my own and the more I try to, the worse that may turn out.

I’ve been reminded of that voice and discernment that I’ve carried since I was a small girl. How the Lord will instill in me all of the things he wishes to and doesn’t need to invoke anyone else to do so.

Tonight during worship, I began to weep on stage as I should have been singing. The Lord has been whispering to me for months now. Reminding me. Preparing me.

From the season of crushing, new wine comes forth. From the season of travail, new life is birthed.

My Heavenly Father is my source, my strength, my restoration, my helper, my present help, my rock to cling to, my mover of mountains, my potter, my author, my finisher, my breaker of chains. He goes before me, he walks beside me, he goes behind me. He’s here and he’s moving.

Growing up, I loved hard and with everything I had. My daughter reminds me so much of myself in that regard. She approaches things with caution but once she determines she’s safe, she is all in. For me, I was all in, all the time. Friends, family, mentors, anyone I was close to.

Eventually, through a series of personally heartbreaking events, I began guarding myself more and more. I came to believe that anyone I loved would choose to leave me. In my mind, this was equated to my being unworthy, unloveable, and less than.

Ultimately, my belief that I was undeserving meant that I developed a drive to be the most impressive I could be. If I could prove myself an asset, if I could achieve enough for others to see how “good” I was, I would surely eventually be worth loving, right?

The problem with finding a “solution” that isn’t actually fixing the root of the problem is that no matter how much you do, despite how much you “achieve,” at the root of those feelings there is still a problem. No amount of achievement changes that.

No matter how many people tell me how deserving I am, I still don’t always believe it. There is always that drive reminding me that I am “not enough.” Lying over and over to keep my mind reeling around all of the “less than” portions that I carry.

I’ve had a revelation lately that I don’t know how to let people love me.

I don’t trust people easily. I don’t let people in often. I have been known to isolate myself when I’m dealing with something difficult because I struggle with the feeling I may burden someone else (who is too kind to tell me the truth of not really wanting to know these things I’m sharing). My mind processes information a little differently. Sometimes I need the alone time to form opinions and have an understanding of my feelings toward something. I’ve had to learn that it’s okay for me to need that time but eventually, that time has to end. Eventually, there has to be a period in which I allow someone else to bear my burden with me.

I have a few people that I allow to see all of my pieces. I call them my cat circle and I’m grateful for the vulnerability each of those folks allow me to have with them. These people are the people I know to be honest and trustworthy. Good folks to put faith in, that I can invest in without fear of “scaring” them away. They endure alongside with me. I’m so grateful for each of them.

I’m also grateful for a Heavenly Father, who reminds me often that just because I’ve accepted something as “true” doesn’t make it “truth.” Only Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. I am unable to define myself outside of him. My very identity is IN him.

Some times are harder than others and I find that the enemy works diligently to remind me of everything I’m “not.” He works to try and trap me in believing that everything I’ve chosen poorly, every lie he’s fed me, that feeling of unworthiness and the fear lingering near it is my true identity.

My Father always wraps his arms around me and reminds me that I’m his beloved. That he formed me, he knit my innermost pieces together. Before a single person on this Earth even knew my name, HE knew me. HE loved me. HE chose me.

Sometimes seasons of our life can be frustrating.

I’m the type of person that always strives to put my best foot forward. I place so much pressure on myself to be the best I can be. Recently, I’ve been made aware of a few things in my working life that are untrue and have been difficult for me to process because I feel misrepresented.

There are so many pieces right now that I just sit and stare at and know they’re “wrong.” Know that I don’t feel seen or appreciated in these areas. I’ve spent many moments in prayer lately when I’m thankful that my Father knows the words I can’t articulate.

I went into this past weekend with so much frustration and was just flat out not happy. I was angry. I felt that things happening around me weren’t fair and should have been handled much differently than they were.

My Saturday wasn’t what I thought it would be. I wrote an appointment down wrong and didn’t have a chance to do something I was expecting. However, the time back meant when a friend messaged and asked me to bring myself and my daughter to an impromptu lunch date, I could say yes. I’m thankful for that time.

Yesterday began as most Sundays in our home; each of us running around trying to make sure everyone is ready on time to make it to the services my husband and I serve in with our brothers and sisters in ministry.

One of our Pastors brought a great word and the Lord gently nudged me toward a few things. Naturally, I like to write these pieces down and share with anyone who just so happens to stumble upon this blog of mine.

When we are so frustrated with things in life that “aren’t fair,” things that we “deserve better than.” Things that make that big “I” inside of you take offense and rise up, the problem is that there is so much “I” living inside of that situation. That’s not to say that the Lord doesn’t go before us and want us to have the best opportunity that places us where he’s designed for us to go…it just means when there’s so much of “me” hanging out, there’s a lot less room for Him.

For weeks, I’ve been praying over a different situation in my life. Praying for the Lord to remove all parts of me from that situation and direct my steps. What I failed to recognize was that in praying that in earnest, I have to remember I don’t limit God. When I’m praying “show me the places where there’s too much me” means that he will do that in all of the areas I’m involved in. It doesn’t change the frustration of a situation but it changes how I look at it.

“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.”
‭‭Colossians‬ ‭3:23-24‬ ‭ESV‬‬

THAT scripture was in the passage I “randomly” selected to read this evening. Talk about a reality check.

When I’m so wrapped up in how these pieces are “wrong” and “unfair,” is my behavior aligned with what it should be? (Fun fact: the answer is no). When I’m feeling like I “deserve” to be treated more fairly than what I’m seeing or facing, and I’m using my voice to express these frustrations, am I working for the honor of my Father or myself (man and approval of man)?

You may not be able to change the situation you’re frustrated with but you can change your perspective and how you approach it and, many times, THAT can make all the difference!

I work with a faith-based recovery group and we have a saying that we’re only as sick as our secrets. While I have shared my testimony several times and run a share group weekly, I’ve had something on my heart over the past few weeks.

Fear.

Fear is a weapon.

Fear is sometimes used by those in power or those desiring to be. It is often a manipulative tool. It can linger and have lasting effects (or hooks/triggers) that resurface much later.

Fear is a weapon that our spiritual enemy most definitely leans into and utilizes. You see when fear is introduced, it can become a distraction from your purpose. It can be a distraction from the truth. It can also become something that can become an obsession in your life. It can begin to be a constant and hold you hostage from the truth.

Fear isolates. Fear speaks often but never in truth.

Oftentimes, when something is rooted in fear and has such a presence, we may not recognize it for what it is.

Now, let me make this personal (I mean, it is my blog after all). I have struggled with many types of fear throughout my life. Some that I no longer struggle with and some that I’m still realizing and working to dig out.

One of the two oldest ones would be around my singing. For as long as I can remember, I’ve loved to sing. Even as a child, I’m almost certain I sang more than I spoke (and if you know me, you know I’m not quiet and never have been). Around middle school, singing began to be a place where fear stepped in. Though I loved to do it, though I did it in church and competed in school, I began to hear fear speak how inadequate I was. Comparison began. My inner dialogue around 6th grade began running rampant as I began to believe that, no matter what I heard from others or how I felt, I shouldn’t sing out loud anymore.

You see, even at 11-12 years old, I had a calling. Music ministry is a ministry I work in now. I carry an anointing and operate in a freedom during worship that is much different than other areas I work in. Even at that age, I was free in worshipping. Naturally, the enemy doesn’t want that to be something that is unopposed. If he recognizes an anointing, he’s going to begin working as diligently as he can to root those freedoms in bondage. I carried the fear around singing in front of others into my adult life. It wasn’t until within the last two years that the Lord has brought those pieces to fruition and began healing those things in me. Helping me to recognize the truth from the lies and reminding me that all I need to be used of him in these areas is my obedience.

I have another deep-rooted fear. I have a fear of abandonment. This one is much more multi-faceted and I will not bore anyone reading this with the many details that make up this complexity but I WILL try and throw it in a nutshell to help understand this a bit.

I had a very non-conventional childhood. My parents were broken people. My Dad lived in active alcohol addiction as a coping mechanism for trauma he lived through and my Mom was very co-dependent. What this meant for my brothers and I growing up is that there was lots of violence in our home, though we didn’t realize this wasn’t normal until we were older. My older brother began standing up for our Mom when he was around 15. Eventually, this came down to my Mom having to choose between him and my Dad. He went to live with his biological Dad (whom he didn’t have a true relationship with) and eventually was signed over in custody to the parents of his best friend. Once my parents decided to divorce, my Mom eventually had to choose between my younger brother and I and her new soon-to-be husband. This meant my baby brother and I were sent to live with our Dad but a dear lady and spiritual mother of mine at that time actually took custody of me for a few years. I eventually lived with my grandmother and then with the family of a friend of mine until I was old enough to live on my own.

My older brother, who was more of a father figure and easily my greatest friend throughout his life, tragically passed away at 24 years old (when I was 19).

While there’s so much more to both sections of this story, they have such a huge bearing on this fear I struggle with. I’ve “learned” that love doesn’t hold people in my life. What happens is that because I’ve had hurtful examples of love removed or tragic love lost (as with my brother), I came to expect that there’s a limit to how people love me. There’s a time period always looming when eventually, love will expire.

Touching back into my Mom’s codependency, I made a declaration at an early age that I would never walk in that state. The danger with exposure to unhealthy behavior is that in an attempt to correct those pieces, you can become too far into the opposite category. I then became ULTRA independent out of my determination to never need to rely on someone else for my happiness or to validate any pieces of myself. What this meant for relationships is that I can be hard to love because I don’t fully trust someone easily.

While I do love and love completely, I also struggle with fearing that I’m inconveniencing others. That the same love that pushes me to listen and take on the burdens of those I’m close to isn’t something I’m worthy of and therefore if I share all of those same pieces with others, eventually I will push them to that invisible threshold of how much love I can receive from someone and they will leave (voluntarily or involuntarily, doesn’t matter).

Now, if you’ve stuck this out and are reading with me still. First, bless you. Second, I want to say that I KNOW in my heart that I’m loved. I’m so blessed to have friends that are like family, a wonderful church family, and a family that show me over and over how incredibly valuable I am. Nearly none of those people know there is a deep rooted fear of them “discovering” I’m no longer needed or important.

The thing about fear is it doesn’t care how it hurts the folks it’s inflicting. It doesn’t try and determine when it has overstayed its welcome. It doesn’t expire. It doesn’t stop. Not on its own.

BUT there is freedom.

The other thing about fear is it’s actually powerless. While it’s a tool, it’s not something that can actually stand on its own. It only maintains the amount of power we use to feed it. You see because when we stop focusing on the fear and allow the Holy Spirit to access those places, we can begin to understand what is at the root of it. I’ve quoted my good friend and mentor Dena before who often says “dig up the root, destroy the fruit.” When we allow the Holy Spirit to begin to reveal the roots of these fears we have carried, we can begin to allow our Heavenly Father to heal those places and make us whole.

There is freedom in our testimony. The Word tells us we are overcomers by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimonies. This means we have to submit ourselves to the Lord to work and move in our lives BUT we also need not to be afraid to speak about them. There is so much freedom in our willingness to share. The testimony that you have is unique to you but can reach so many other people.

There’s a reason that fear isolates. If we live and walk in the fear constantly, we typically are so focused on those pieces and not speaking about them. When we let go of that and begin to open our mouths, we find that the freedom we now walk in can also loose bondages in others as the Holy Spirit moves through our willingness to be used of him. It’s a beautiful thing. When you have that feeling of uneasiness about speaking out and saying something out loud, recognize when those places are springboards for growth and opportunity. It’s a beautiful thing, freedom and healing.

I share all of these things because it’s important, I think, for all of us to be reminded that we are all still works in progress. My working in ministry isn’t because I’m some elevated and wonderful perfection that can now pour out to others. I’m a mess, y’all. The difference is, I know where my source is. I know I was bought with a price. I know my Savior. I know the love he has for me (and for you too) and I’m willing to allow him to keep moving and healing as he works these pieces out within me. I’m a new creation. I’m not perfect but I readily acknowledge when I fail and I allow him to speak through those pieces. Willing and repentant is what the Lord needs us to be, not perfect. ❤️

Some days I don’t have the words to express how I’m feeling. For a person who talks as much as I do, not having the words seems like something that’s inconceivable. I very rarely lack a poignant way to articulate my thoughts to others or an encouraging word for someone around me BUT sometimes, in my own mind or even in my prayer time, I just can’t put into words the pieces I’m feeling or that are weighing heavy on my heart.

There have been a lot of “heavy” days lately. Days when there are so many pieces pressing in from the outside, so many thoughts that I carry, so many emotions that I’m experiencing that I just can’t put all of them into an organized fashion to explain them to myself or another person.

I carry things with me, sometimes longer than I should. Sometimes way more than I should. Sometimes things that aren’t even mine to carry but I pick them up like they’re my business because I love people.

Some nights, I kiss my babies goodnight and sit down with my warm blanket and I just sit and breathe. I pass time doing nothing because I need the silence and moment alone to just reset. Some nights I pray and I pour out all of the pieces I’m holding in my hands and in my heart to my Heavenly Father who is always gracious to listen and remind me how he loves me. Sometimes I just cry because there’s so much and the weight of these things can be heavy.

Every time, no matter what my approach is, the Holy Spirit meets me and reminds me of who I am. Of who I’m called to be. Speaks to me in a calm reminder that I’m worthy. Worthy of love and grace and mercy. That I’m chosen and not a failure. That I’m set apart for something so much greater than myself or the small pieces I see in front of me right now. That I’m qualified by my Father and equipped to do the work set before me. That these trials and heavy pieces are temporary and I can lay them all on Him because his yoke is easy and his burden is light and he cares for me so deeply.

I can’t pretend to understand all of the pieces. I can’t begin to act as if I have it all “together.” I’m a mess that is wrapped up in a tight little ball of appeared organization.

“Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.”
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭19:21‬ ‭ESV‬‬
https://www.bible.com/59/pro.19.21.esv

Or in the KJV

“There are many devices in a man’s heart; nevertheless the counsel of the Lord, that shall stand.”
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭19:21‬ ‭KJV‬‬
https://www.bible.com/1/pro.19.21.kjv

Sometimes I just need to sit in silence and allow the Lord to speak over me. I just need to sit still and breathe deep and listen. When I spend all of my time trying to plan and primp and lay it all out, I agonize over the small things I’m carrying around that all add up. When I just sit still or sit and cry and let go of all of it, I’m often reminded of how small I am. Not because I’m insignificant to the heart of my Father but because I’m capable of very little on my own. Sometimes that thing we want so badly isn’t for us, sometimes that piece we can’t quite seem to put our finger on is hidden for a reason, sometimes those things we KNOW but don’t say out loud are placed into our discernment because we need to just admit them.

Breathe deep. Trust in the Lord. Hear what he is speaking over you. Don’t just register it but HEAR it. Allow those things to sink in and to resonate within you. Let go of the plans you have for yourself or ask that he align your desires to his purpose. If you’re fighting a never ending uphill battle, it’s possible you’re trying to open a door that isn’t yours. Trust in the timing. Trust in the process. Trust in the plan and put your shovel down. Sit still. Breathe deep. Wait for your next marching order or call to action. Listen. He’s ever present and He cares for you. ❤️

So many people are hurting right now but we’ve isolated ourselves, both out of necessity for the status of the pandemic and out of convenience found in the isolated moments.

I log into social media and I see lots of folks posting their opinions but also lots of folks with pointed statements or division. Have we become so desensitized as an isolated hoard that we have actually forgotten that on the other side of our screens are other flesh and bone folks, just like us? Have we allowed our own personal opinions to become so weighted inside ourselves that we’ve forgotten there is beauty in the pieces that make us each unique?

I’ve read so many posts today, political and non, that have outlined all of the reasons audience members are “wrong” if they don’t feel one way or another. Each time I came across one, I noticed trends that had lots of blanketed statements around what was fundamentally incorrect about an individual who aligned one way or another. I came across one particular post from a personI love dearly that outlined any person of a particular party as without morals and essentially unworthy of being associated with.

My heart hurts. My heart hurts that some of these “fundamentally incorrect” points pertain to my beliefs and/or political affiliations but are untrue and non-applicable of me, personally. My heart hurts to see so many people forgetting that those folks they’re arguing so boastfully with are his/her brothers and sisters. My heart hurts because I know that when we are divided so completely and distinctly, we forget we need one another to stand.

Please don’t confuse my statements to be synonymous with not believing we must stand for truth and hold our convictions. This is most definitely not true. “The truth will stand when the world is on fire” is a statement I believe in. I also believe that it is my job, as a believer and follow of Jesus Christ, to proclaim the truth surrounding my Heavenly Father and support my brothers and sisters around me in love while allowing the Holy Spirit to move openly in and through my life.

However, I also hold to the commandment that I should love my neighbor as I love myself and I know that this isn’t a possibility when I’m on a soapbox speaking down to the folks who happen to be standing near my self-elevated perch. I don’t believe that my standing on any subject makes me of greater importance than someone else. I don’t believe that anyone who disagrees with my interpretations or feelings or in need of a good tongue lashing from me. While I do hold very adamantly to my convictions and am governed by a strong moral compass, I also know that not everyone identifies in the same manner I do.

I believe that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. That no man can come to the Father except through him. I take note that nowhere in that statement does Jesus advise that no man can come to the Father unless they align themselves as a Republican, Democrat, Libertarian, or the like. I also believe that the Bible is correct when we’re advised we will know one another by the fruit that we bear. I never want to be so planted in myself and my own desire to be “correct” that I’m not bearing the right fruit or that I could possibly cause my brother or sister to stumble. It is my job to get out of the way, remove my personal opinions, and allow the Holy Spirit the room to do what only He can do.

It is my job to love. To show kindness and be a reflection of my Heavenly Father, to the best of my ability (and allow the Holy Spirit to make up for the pieces I fail in). To remember that despite my own shortcomings and/or those of my neighbor(s), we are each loved beyond our own comprehension and called to be set apart.

I don’t want to be a post-Nineveh Jonah. Jonah did so many great works for the Lord but is known for his story surrounding Nineveh. He was directed to go minister but refused to go due to his hatred (and fear) of the people, tried to run away, spent 3 days inside a great fish, only to go where he was told, deliver the message, have it be received miraculously but then TOTALLY miss the point. Jonah was so wrapped up in his delight for what he thought should happen, what was “deserved” for the people of Ninevah, that he completely missed God. An entire city was saved because the Lord moved and used Jonah’s act of obedience to serve and all he could do was sit on the hillside and pout that they were alive. I don’t want to be so wrapped up in my own justifications that I completely miss recognizing the work my Heavenly Father is doing.

Just my heart on this post-election day. Be blessed!