Some days I don’t have the words to express how I’m feeling. For a person who talks as much as I do, not having the words seems like something that’s inconceivable. I very rarely lack a poignant way to articulate my thoughts to others or an encouraging word for someone around me BUT sometimes, in my own mind or even in my prayer time, I just can’t put into words the pieces I’m feeling or that are weighing heavy on my heart.

There have been a lot of “heavy” days lately. Days when there are so many pieces pressing in from the outside, so many thoughts that I carry, so many emotions that I’m experiencing that I just can’t put all of them into an organized fashion to explain them to myself or another person.

I carry things with me, sometimes longer than I should. Sometimes way more than I should. Sometimes things that aren’t even mine to carry but I pick them up like they’re my business because I love people.

Some nights, I kiss my babies goodnight and sit down with my warm blanket and I just sit and breathe. I pass time doing nothing because I need the silence and moment alone to just reset. Some nights I pray and I pour out all of the pieces I’m holding in my hands and in my heart to my Heavenly Father who is always gracious to listen and remind me how he loves me. Sometimes I just cry because there’s so much and the weight of these things can be heavy.

Every time, no matter what my approach is, the Holy Spirit meets me and reminds me of who I am. Of who I’m called to be. Speaks to me in a calm reminder that I’m worthy. Worthy of love and grace and mercy. That I’m chosen and not a failure. That I’m set apart for something so much greater than myself or the small pieces I see in front of me right now. That I’m qualified by my Father and equipped to do the work set before me. That these trials and heavy pieces are temporary and I can lay them all on Him because his yoke is easy and his burden is light and he cares for me so deeply.

I can’t pretend to understand all of the pieces. I can’t begin to act as if I have it all “together.” I’m a mess that is wrapped up in a tight little ball of appeared organization.

“Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.”
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭19:21‬ ‭ESV‬‬
https://www.bible.com/59/pro.19.21.esv

Or in the KJV

“There are many devices in a man’s heart; nevertheless the counsel of the Lord, that shall stand.”
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭19:21‬ ‭KJV‬‬
https://www.bible.com/1/pro.19.21.kjv

Sometimes I just need to sit in silence and allow the Lord to speak over me. I just need to sit still and breathe deep and listen. When I spend all of my time trying to plan and primp and lay it all out, I agonize over the small things I’m carrying around that all add up. When I just sit still or sit and cry and let go of all of it, I’m often reminded of how small I am. Not because I’m insignificant to the heart of my Father but because I’m capable of very little on my own. Sometimes that thing we want so badly isn’t for us, sometimes that piece we can’t quite seem to put our finger on is hidden for a reason, sometimes those things we KNOW but don’t say out loud are placed into our discernment because we need to just admit them.

Breathe deep. Trust in the Lord. Hear what he is speaking over you. Don’t just register it but HEAR it. Allow those things to sink in and to resonate within you. Let go of the plans you have for yourself or ask that he align your desires to his purpose. If you’re fighting a never ending uphill battle, it’s possible you’re trying to open a door that isn’t yours. Trust in the timing. Trust in the process. Trust in the plan and put your shovel down. Sit still. Breathe deep. Wait for your next marching order or call to action. Listen. He’s ever present and He cares for you. ❤️

So many people are hurting right now but we’ve isolated ourselves, both out of necessity for the status of the pandemic and out of convenience found in the isolated moments.

I log into social media and I see lots of folks posting their opinions but also lots of folks with pointed statements or division. Have we become so desensitized as an isolated hoard that we have actually forgotten that on the other side of our screens are other flesh and bone folks, just like us? Have we allowed our own personal opinions to become so weighted inside ourselves that we’ve forgotten there is beauty in the pieces that make us each unique?

I’ve read so many posts today, political and non, that have outlined all of the reasons audience members are “wrong” if they don’t feel one way or another. Each time I came across one, I noticed trends that had lots of blanketed statements around what was fundamentally incorrect about an individual who aligned one way or another. I came across one particular post from a personI love dearly that outlined any person of a particular party as without morals and essentially unworthy of being associated with.

My heart hurts. My heart hurts that some of these “fundamentally incorrect” points pertain to my beliefs and/or political affiliations but are untrue and non-applicable of me, personally. My heart hurts to see so many people forgetting that those folks they’re arguing so boastfully with are his/her brothers and sisters. My heart hurts because I know that when we are divided so completely and distinctly, we forget we need one another to stand.

Please don’t confuse my statements to be synonymous with not believing we must stand for truth and hold our convictions. This is most definitely not true. “The truth will stand when the world is on fire” is a statement I believe in. I also believe that it is my job, as a believer and follow of Jesus Christ, to proclaim the truth surrounding my Heavenly Father and support my brothers and sisters around me in love while allowing the Holy Spirit to move openly in and through my life.

However, I also hold to the commandment that I should love my neighbor as I love myself and I know that this isn’t a possibility when I’m on a soapbox speaking down to the folks who happen to be standing near my self-elevated perch. I don’t believe that my standing on any subject makes me of greater importance than someone else. I don’t believe that anyone who disagrees with my interpretations or feelings or in need of a good tongue lashing from me. While I do hold very adamantly to my convictions and am governed by a strong moral compass, I also know that not everyone identifies in the same manner I do.

I believe that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. That no man can come to the Father except through him. I take note that nowhere in that statement does Jesus advise that no man can come to the Father unless they align themselves as a Republican, Democrat, Libertarian, or the like. I also believe that the Bible is correct when we’re advised we will know one another by the fruit that we bear. I never want to be so planted in myself and my own desire to be “correct” that I’m not bearing the right fruit or that I could possibly cause my brother or sister to stumble. It is my job to get out of the way, remove my personal opinions, and allow the Holy Spirit the room to do what only He can do.

It is my job to love. To show kindness and be a reflection of my Heavenly Father, to the best of my ability (and allow the Holy Spirit to make up for the pieces I fail in). To remember that despite my own shortcomings and/or those of my neighbor(s), we are each loved beyond our own comprehension and called to be set apart.

I don’t want to be a post-Nineveh Jonah. Jonah did so many great works for the Lord but is known for his story surrounding Nineveh. He was directed to go minister but refused to go due to his hatred (and fear) of the people, tried to run away, spent 3 days inside a great fish, only to go where he was told, deliver the message, have it be received miraculously but then TOTALLY miss the point. Jonah was so wrapped up in his delight for what he thought should happen, what was “deserved” for the people of Ninevah, that he completely missed God. An entire city was saved because the Lord moved and used Jonah’s act of obedience to serve and all he could do was sit on the hillside and pout that they were alive. I don’t want to be so wrapped up in my own justifications that I completely miss recognizing the work my Heavenly Father is doing.

Just my heart on this post-election day. Be blessed!

You know, I often find myself in a place of self-reflection. Sometimes my “self-reflection” can flirt on (or completely cross over into) self-loathing when I’m not spending time or energy meditating on what God says about me.

Something that’s been on my heart a lot lately is that God doesn’t need me. The God who breathed life into and/or spoke existence into all of the universe and its pieces, the God who heals and performs various miracles, the God who could literally end all of humanity and everything as we know it in the bat of an eyelash…he doesn’t NEED me.

Here I am, little old me, be-bopping right on through life. Sometimes I’m selfish and I forget that what’s important to me doesn’t always move my neighbor. Sometimes I’m engrossed in things I can’t change because I forget to let go of my pieces and let God hold them and work them out as only He can. Sometimes I’ve inserted myself into so many things where I don’t belong and then grow offended when someone points out that I shouldn’t be there. God doesn’t NEED me.

See, while there are giftings I possess that he has entrusted within me. While there are places where God uses my availability and willingness to help others. While there are things I accomplish only because of favor and grace he’s placed in my life. God doesn’t NEED me.

His plan and his purpose would carry on whether or not I was obedient to him. The Bible tells us that if we didn’t, the very rocks and all of creation would cry out to the living God and declare his sovereignty. God doesn’t NEED me.

BUT…he WANTS me. He desires a relationship with me where I pour out to him because I WANT to. He desires the intimacy that only comes between two people who spend time together regularly. Two people who understand one another so completely that they understand the very heart of the other without a word being shared. He WANTS me. He wants ME.

Me, in all of my selfish ambitions, as I may often lose sight of what I should be doing. Me, in all of my own ignorance and extreme stubbornness. Me, in all of my awkwardness and putting my foot into my mouth. Me in my many failures and sometimes complete disregard for him. Me, in my brokenness and refusal to give in (even though he’s proven I should time and time again).

He doesn’t see me like I see me. He doesn’t look upon me with pity or complete disregard. He looks at me, and like the proud Papa that he is, he pours out loving adorations. He sees me and doesn’t say “there’s Teresa, what’d she mess up today?” or “Oh man, why won’t she give this up?!?” No, he sees me and says “There’s Teresa, my beloved, precious daughter. She sings over me and hides my word in her heart.”

I’m so grateful that he doesn’t NEED me. In all honesty, at the end of the day, if I had to choose between someone who NEEDS me and someone who WANTS me…I choose the latter. You see, a need can be met. Once it’s satisfied, you move on to the next piece. A want, however, is something you desire. Something you choose to contribute to. Something you cherish and hold dear. Something you brag about because you’re thrilled to have.

God doesn’t NEED me but he WANTS me. He wants you too, my friends.

I keep having these lyrics in my head over and over (though I don’t own the rights, obviously):

He is jealous for me; Love’s like a hurricane and I am a tree; bending beneath the weight of your wind and mercy; When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory;
And I realize just how beautiful You are;
And how great Your affections are for me

And oh, how He loves us oh
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

❤️

You know…there are so many things that we learn about ourselves as we get older. If we are diligent to develop ourselves, we learn even more. If we are self aware enough, we can identify pieces we need to work on and (hopefully) work on them or know that we can lean on the Lord to work on them with us.

Something I never really talked about until recently is food addiction. I’ve always struggled with my weight. At certain points in my life it was much more controlled than others but food has always had a strong connection to my emotions. Some practices were learned behaviors passed on to me and others I picked up along the way.

Either way, as a child, I developed a love for food. Not just a healthy appreciation for food but a love to eat. And overeat. I would go grocery shopping with my Mom and she’d but a 10 pack of fun-sized candy bars and we’d have to hurry and eat them before we got home and “hide the evidence” from my brothers. So over indulgence in secret became a “fun” or “exciting” thing to do. Eventually, I’d learn to find comfort in food also. Hard day? Have some chocolate. Long week? Have some cake. Bored? Eat a snack (but take it outside). It became a way of life for me.

I’d go through cycles as a teenager. Lots of secret sweet eating followed by a cycle of feeling guilty in which I’d eat healthier and completely abstain from sugar. Naturally, my weight would yoyo around. By the time I went to college, I wanted to maintain being thin so I tried to focus on not making bad decisions or eating my feelings. This would work for a period of time then I’d comfort eat a while and the cycle would start over. Same yoyo weight gain and loss.

Food remained a comfort but I had a cap on it. My self control really spiraled after I met my (now) husband and while we were dating, I learned I was pregnant. We lost that baby at 17 weeks. Emotional eating became my not-so-hidden way of life then. I gained weight and I hated myself for it. The internal guilt and dialogue I had constantly became unbearable for me. So I kept diving into my world of comfort eating.

Eventually, we married and we had two children. As a stay-at-home-Mom and daycare provider, I still spent a lot of time rocking babies and eating my emotions (our marriage was definitely falling apart-but that’s another blog post another time). I was pretty much sedentary full-time and it showed in every bit of my body. I would eventually stop eating almost all together and lose 60 lbs (which I would later gain back almost entirely).

I yoyo’d back around all the way through last year. I decided enough was enough and I needed to buckle down. My 33rd birthday sparked me to say “this changes now.” But it didn’t. I signed up for a program that some friends of mine had lost quite a bit of weight doing but I wasn’t sold yet. I did some continued research and made a few dozen excuses. Finally, in November 2019, I committed and began losing weight. This program taught me to use food to fuel my body (the way God intended) and helped me discover all of my terrible habits of self-medicating with food (addiction).

I won’t say I’m perfect. I still crave cookies or whatnot when I’m upset about something. BUT now I have the tools to decide if having said cookie or whatever is worth one of my “holidays” off my eating plan. And beyond that, I’ve been able to realize what drives those behaviors in me. I’ve identified the root of that problem and am dealing with those pieces. I’m down right at 40 lbs and while I still have a long way to go, I’m right tickled with how well that’s going. One day at a time, folks. That’s how we overcome addictions and strongholds in our lives. One decision after another until they build up and we can keep claiming the victory.

You know…I’ve shared so many things about myself in so many different avenues that I never remember who knows what. So if this is a repeat for you, apologies.

Anyone who knows me or has heard pieces of my testimony knows that I sing. I sing in church and sometimes for classes at my children’s school. Singing isn’t easy for me. It’s a place that I have to continue to turn over to the Lord constantly. Over the years of my adult life, the Lord has had to show me things and heal places in me that have impacted me negatively and encouraged me to hold myself in an inferior thought pattern.

I often struggle with compliments from other people because while I pour into other people, it’s difficult for me to believe good things others say of me. What’s weird is that this isn’t true in all areas, just the ones I’m uncertain of myself.

I often find myself in a group of people who are getting compliments from someone (like our praise team) and I immediately deflect to thinking that the compliments aren’t for me because I’m not loud enough or as _____ as this person or that one, so I just smile and allow others to say “thank you.”

Sometimes the Lord rebukes me and my stinking thinking. This happened on my way home tonight and I had to put myself in check (and it’s not the first time) and really think about why I do that.

When we forget to press in to all the God says about who we are, we rely only on our own thoughts and emotions (😱) and that will 100% make you live in comparison. Comparison is a thief of joy. Each time that I forget or deny who God says I am, each time I choose to accept a lie about my worth rather than allow the truth of the Holy Spirit to be the loudest voice inside of me, I pain the very heart of God.

When I accept that I am “less than,” I immediately devalue myself. But when I realize I have a Heavenly Father who created me so uniquely and equipped me with giftings and skill sets to reach people that only I can reach, I can’t help but see the value that God sees in each of us. When we consciously make an effort to remember that our giftings and anointing aren’t about us, we keep our focuses where they need to be. When we’re focused on being a willing vessel for the Holy Spirit to use, in any capacity the Lord has equipped us, we allow Him to operate in and through us and manifest the value He knew was there all along.

So…if you find yourself in a place of feeling “less than” or unworthy. I challenge you to begin asking yourself why you feel that way. Ask yourself “why” five times (and answer honestly). It’ll help you open the rabbit hole to the truth/root of it. Begin to talk that out with the Lord and allow him to heal that place in you and remind you just how incredibly loved and special you are to him and his Kingdom. Begin to dig into verses around who God says you are. I promise you…you won’t be disappointed. ❤️

Sometimes everything is a struggle. Sometimes I can look around me and see the times that I know that I haven’t been given what I “deserve” and I’m offended.

I almost never think about that in terms of the justice I’ve deserved but received grace instead. I don’t look at the moments that I should’ve applied grace but chose not to.

In my self-edifying, I’m focusing on how I’ve been treated in a fashion that is unfair. Comparing myself to someone else and feeling as if I somehow should be rewarded and using the lack of that to fuel my own self-pity or anger of being treated “unfairly.”

Sometimes you don’t get to walk through the door that you really wanted to. Sometimes you have all the characteristics that say you should be able to do this thing and still you aren’t chosen. That can make you feel as if things (or even people) are stacked against you and there’s no way to win.

It’s in these moments you must make a choice. Will you dwell in that and point out each shortcoming you’re faced with or will you trust that God has a plan and that your path is still directed? Choosing that first path will mean you’re allowing yourself to be robbed of your joy. You’re going to be devoid of purpose and removing your eyes from the Planner…so naturally, you’ll only be able to sustain the emotions that you yourself can experience on your own (and because nothing good lives in us…that’s a whole lot of nothing good). Operating from that place is exhausting. You’re relying on “self” to sustain you, you’re probably negative, you’re always on empty, you’re using your own voice and platform for discord rather than spreading the overflow/abundance of love and joy the Holy Spirit allows us to operate in.

We must stop and refocus ourselves to be aligned with what the Holy Spirit says. We must allow our flesh to be cast aside (by conscious decision). We must put forth the effort to say our disappointment matters less than our obedience. We must choose to have our “self” be less than what the Lord is trying to bring us to if we simply trust.

TRUST.

Let go, blindly, without knowing where the destination is. Knowing that our Heavenly Father loves us enough to plan every minute detail. To pay attention to the small pieces. To know that there will NEVER be something we choose for ourselves that is better than what he could choose for us. If we will simply trust and let go, he can use those disappointments to lead us to the place he intends us to be.

We must choose trust. We must choose obedience. We must choose to be second.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Sometimes I can’t sleep. Sometimes there are so many things going on in my mind that sleep evades me and others I have no explanation for. Often times I pray until either something breaks or I tire out.

Tonight/this morning is one of those times. I know that tomorrow I’ll be upset that my brain wouldn’t turn off. When I’m needing to drink caffeine to keep up with my day and my meetings, I’ll think of 2am me and how my brain wouldn’t quiet down.

For now, I’ll just reflect on things that have been going on in my life. I’m in a season that I’ve never walked before. A season of feeling set apart or discarded. Knowing that I’m not forsaken or forgotten but feeling out of place or out of pocket. This season began with a disappointment that grew and became an obsession of mine. I constantly thought about why this thing happened the way it did. Constantly compared myself to other people involved. Drove my close friends/colleagues crazy trying to decipher all of the information around this situation. I finally got to the point that I was sick of myself. Tired of thinking, tired of analyzing, tired of trying to understand a situation it seemed that I couldn’t grasp now or ever.

What started as a small thing quickly grew. The more I obsessed over this, the more I moved my focus. The more I moved my focus, the more my joy slipped away. When we remove our eyes from the maker and begin to focus on things within creation instead, we will be faced with the impossibility of sustaining ourselves. I went there. I chose to dwell in that place.

I continued being involved in things I loved but didn’t have joy. I continued the same tasks that I’ve always enjoyed but didn’t have joy. I allowed one circumstance to rob me of my joy completely. Even realizing this, I still continued in my plethora of joyless comparison.

A few weeks ago, at church on a Wednesday night I felt something break and I began to weep during worship. I know that was the beginning of a new chapter. There have been a few different offerings of the Lord directing me over these last few weeks. Sunday morning during worship I was on stage singing with our worship team and I broke as I began to praise and worship. I’d done those same actions during these months but this was different. I began to have the realization that I just needed a set apart time with the Lord. I turned my mic off and came off the stage to praise in the altar.

Now children, if you aren’t familiar with the spirit of the Lord moving or the power of prayer over one another, let’s talk about that at another time (feel free to message me directly). A few women in my church came up and prayed over me. These women spoke life into me and broke the comparison I had continued to believe over myself falsely.

After church, my friend and mentor of sorts, approached me about teaching a lesson at our Celebrate Recovery the next night. About a year ago the Lord spoke to me about my calling to preach/teach in church but I’ve struggled with accepting that. I did prepare my lesson, delivered it, and forced myself not to allow the comparison to begin (holding myself in check). Through my obedience, the Lord was able to reach folks that have heard me speak before and not been moved. When I finished and we had dismissed, I was approached by another leader and my calling was validated (without him even knowing I’d been facing my struggle with accepting that). He said “don’t doubt your calling, I felt the spirit of God on you as you spoke.”

I said all of that to say this…don’t doubt your calling. The God faithful to speak that in to you is faithful to see you through it.

I often wake up and a song or a verse will be in my spirit. It never fails to be that said song/verse will be useful to me that day or one shortly after. About two weeks ago, I woke up with Proverbs 16:9 in my head.

“Many are the plans in a man’s heart but it
is the Lord who orders his steps.”

I sang that night at a group I volunteer with and shared it before I sang but it didn’t leave me. I thought on it for a few days but eventually tucked it back away in my heart.

Today. Oh today. Today has been a day that has tried me. As I laid here, pouring out my heart to the Lord and just trying to process all of the disappointment I’m feeling, I began thinking about all of the plans I have for myself and what I want certain things to look like and began crying out and there it was again. Proverbs 16:9. Two weeks ago, the Lord placed it in my spirit. He knew. He knew there’d be today. He knew I’d lie here and need to have a moment that I could be reminded. I can plan all I want. I can build castles and empires and have goals that don’t amount to a hill of beans. If I forget he orders my steps, he holds my tomorrow, he has THE plan…then all my plans are just dumb.

It doesn’t make realizations like today any less terrible. It doesn’t make me cry less when something I wanted isn’t something I am able to achieve. It just serves to remind me I have to align myself to the right architect’s plan. My absolute favorite bible verse is Jeremiah 29:11.
“For I know the plans I have for you,”
declares the Lord. “Plans to prosper you
and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope
and a future.”

I’m a planner. I’m also a fixer. I throw myself into things I can do tangibly, even more so when I’m stressed. There’s something calming about the chaos that I’m able to make a difference in as I check things off my list. (I’m also a list maker).

I’m learning more and more about myself all the time. Who I am, who I want to be. Sometimes in the hustle and bustle of everything, it’s easy to forget that I should just ask God for guidance. I don’t have to have the answers. In fact, I’m not supposed to. God doesn’t place me in situations to problem solve,  he’s looking for my obedience to use my resources (ie Him). That’s not to say that I should be a mindless drone who makes no decisions, just that it’s smart to check the map when you’re navigating a route to take. 😉

I can look back at various times in my life when I’ve been the most stressed and pinpoint areas that I was so desperately holding on to. I often forget to apply the same grace that I give to others to myself.

I hate emotions, but only my own. I can navigate everyone else’s and help point folks in a good direction. However, I agonize over working through mine. I want to skip through the crying and upset and just be myself again. Emotions make me feel irrational and small child-like. (Again, grace). If I were talking to not me, I’d tell not me that it’s okay to have emotions. That’s a natural (and healthy) reaction to situations that cause distress. We have to work through in stages to be sure we care for the right things and allow ourselves to heal. However, when I talk to myself that conversation is much different. I hold myself to a higher (sometimes impossible) standard. I expect too much from myself most of the time and then in times when I need grace, I apply pressure instead.

Sometimes, we live in that place. The place where we apply pressure and the pressure added to our emotion makes us feel irrational. All the while, God stands just nearby waiting for us to come to the conclusion that he will take over all that hurt and confusion and replace it with only good things. He will hold us in his arms and let us just cry and be irrational and get it out. He’s willing to wait, however long it takes for us to reach the conclusion he’s likely been trying to draw us to all along. He’ll watch and probably wish we’d see it sooner but rejoice with us when we do reach that conclusion. As our Father, he knows some of us are just more stubborn than others (me) and we will get there eventually. He’s just patient.

So in our small group a few months ago, one of our leaders spoke a truth that has resonated so loudly with me and the other ladies in our group. When someone acts or speaks in a way that upsets you, you can refuse to pick up the offense.

Man…that would preach!

What does this mean to me? Well…when a situation arises that my reaction is to take offense, I can choose to process that emotion and find the root right then and there, deal with it, and move on. I do NOT have to pick that up and carry it around.

I am not the best friend. I love the idea of friendship. I love deeply. I am fiercely loyal and defend people I love. I am accepting of people, whether or not they look, act, believe the way that I do.

I do not always remember to come out of my bubble of what is happening right now and deal with stuff. I internalize a lot of feelings and emotions because that is how I am able to process and analyze things around me. In the course of this, I don’t always remember to check on other people like I should. I sometimes fear “bothering” or “annoying” people and don’t reach out.

Now, I still love these people. I still claim them. I still know that they’re my peeps. However, I’ve found that this is not a common trait people want to have in a friendship. I’ve got a handful of “tossed to the side” or “they no longer talk to me” best friends to show for that.

Of late, I find myself often in a situation where I realize that people I consider to be friends no longer take the time to endorse me amongst their friend groups. I could allow this to become a session in which I bash myself and think up all of the poor comparison pieces that I should really develop in myself better OR I could refuse to accept the offense my flesh wants to take and instead recognize that I have many faults but also have many great attributes. I could be thankful that Jesus is a friend that sticks closer than a brother and move forward knowing that I’m in a season of leaning on him for companionship. Either way, I must choose. #choosetoleaveit #dontpickitup #itsnotworthit #justleavethatthere