Y’all. This has been a WEEK.

I won’t go into all the things that have been happening but I’ll share a really cool story.

We had some serious rain last week. I live in VA and the house I purchased last Fall was built in 1915 and has a half basement/half crawl space. Like most unfinished basements, I have a sump pump to keep water from collecting.

I noticed after our big rain storm that my sump pump was just not cutting off. It ran for a few days before I finally thought there’s no way there’s this much water. I went to investigate and discovered that the pump was a dinosaur but was still trucking along. However, the float arm no longer triggered the mechanism to cut off (and no amount of moving it convinced it to do otherwise). Naturally, as a single woman with no knowledge of sump pumps, I called my plumber. He came the next day and checked it out for me, confirmed I needed a new pump, and made plans to come back the next day to install it.

I needed to unplug it but keep an eye out for the pit filling up so I could plug it up and empty it out. At that point, we had a 4 hour window before water escaped the pit. So I got up through the night, stacked my work breaks during the day and kept a handle on it for those two nights before the new one was installed.

Wednesday came, new sump pump was installed, it worked beautifully. Just in time too because it rained Wednesday and my window was cut down to 1 hour between needing to pump (which meant I couldn’t meet that demand and there was some overflow in the basement that needed attention from me).

I slept Wednesday night but woke up at 5am Thursday morning to a noise I knew just wasn’t right. So, back to my basement I went and determined that the float was dropping but not triggering the switch on my NEW pump. The difference was I COULD push the arm down and it turned off.

I checked all around the float. Looked for debris that was blocking it. Found nothing. Knew my plumber was having eye surgery that day and wouldn’t make it back out until next week, pending recovery. So I unplugged the new pump and made the every 1 hour trip (as often as I could) for the manual pump through the day.

On top of the sump pump I had some other personal pieces that popped up this week and I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.

I ended up at urgent care after work yesterday because I’ve fought a fever for two days and knew I’d scraped my arm on some metal in my basement the night before that was a bit tender. 2.5 hours, 1 tetanus shot, and some prescription cream later, there was water in my basement that I needed to help make its way back to the pit.

After cleaning, I laid down in bed and was really dreading knowing the every hour alarm I was going to need to set to be vigilant and ensure there’s no excess water. So I started praying. I started telling the Lord how exhausted I was, how if there was any way for this to be fixed tonight I’d appreciate knowing how or a miracle to happen. I event uttered “the Bible says we have not because we do not ask and I’m asking right now for help.”

I said amen and started playing a game on my switch to waste the little bit of time left to my next pumping date and then bed. As I laid there, clear as day I saw myself with a rubber glove, in my basement, pulling metal bits out of my sump pump pit.

So I did what anyone who knows to respond to the urge of the spirit of the Lord would do. I got up, found some of my rubber cleaning gloves, grabbed a bucket and some supplies and set out to my basement to do what I’d seen, having NO clue why or how that would work.

I plugged up the pump and I let it run to empty the pit and then as it cleared, started collecting some bolts and various pieces I could see. I just pulled things out of there that didn’t seem to belong. If I fished out a rock, I put it back because in researching I learned gravel is usually the bottom filtration layer of a pit for the ground water entry.

As I was working, I didn’t even notice at first when that pump just cut off on its own. I was using my flashlight and fishing out any debris I could see that didn’t seem to belong there and collecting it into my bucket. Then it hit me.

The pump was off.

I immediately thought “Did the motor burn out from running dry last night?” and pulled the float arm up to hear the pump start again. I released it and it turned off again.

Fast forward. It has worked perfectly all night and all day.

Now…why am I talking about a sump pump and some crazy lady vision I had?

Simple.

When I initially checked the pit for debris that was blocking the pump at 5am, I noticed those metal bits but they were rusted, they’d obviously been there for some time, they were stuck in the back corners and not even near the float or the pump. It seemed completely unrelated and harmless enough for me not to see a need to remove them.

How often do we have things in our lives, things that have been around for some time and seem harmless and we don’t really even notice them anymore because they’re part of our day to day BUT they’re actually interfering with the functionality of the spirit moving in our lives?

We don’t even notice that they interfere.

Or maybe we do but we think “no, it doesn’t make sense for those pieces to be impacting here.”

Now, let’s look at obedience.

What if I’d had that vision, thought “huh…that’s weird,” set my alarm for 1 hour from now and went to sleep geared up to wake up all night long and exhaust myself? What if I’d brushed away how silly it seemed to go root around in a dark pit of water, poking in places I had no business in?

Except…I OWN this house. That pit belongs to me. I didn’t make it, I inherited it. It’s mine to care for.

I prayed in earnest for a miracle to come. I prayed from a point of desperately needing a solution and knowing I don’t have one but believing one existed and my Father who created the heavens and the Earth could find one. I didn’t expect an easy fix with no work from me. I know faith takes action (faith without works is dead after all). So when I had that vision, I recognized that didn’t come from myself and went to work.

Do I know, even now, how it solved it or how it tied in? Nope.

But I know I was obedient to what was being asked of me. There are times when we need to commit to doing what is asked of us. Don’t question, don’t doubt, don’t explain it away. DO put action behind your faith.

It would be easy to sit in the same place and complain, maybe even cry and ask the Lord why you’re praying but there isn’t an answer.

Is there anywhere where have you ignored direction?

Has there been an instruction you thought didn’t make sense and didn’t follow through?

Have you earnestly asked for the revelation you need to have in order to put this into action?

I might not be a plumber and I might not be trained or knowledgeable when it comes to sump pumps…BUT I have hands and I’m not afraid to get a little bit dirty in order to follow the instruction I’ve been given.

Our willingness. Our obedience. Our hands to the plow. That’s what it’s going to take.

We don’t have to make the plan, we don’t have to know the plan, we don’t have to see how the plan pieces together.

We have to be willing to trust the one who’s holding the map and believe the destination is in our favor.

♥️ Teresa

Tonight is a night when I can’t sleep and the Lord is reminding me of things that have been rolling around in my spirit for a bit.

Relationships – romantic, friendship, parental, working, etc. are all made up of two parts.

There is a relational or personal aspect where you get to know someone. You learn their preferences, their personality, their charismatic pieces, what makes them tick.

There there is also the legalistic side or the covenant portion. The rules that govern them, the boundaries they have in place for what they will and won’t accept relationally, the very definition of the black and white they live by.

I was thinking about this in terms of my children. I, as their parent, am raising them to be adults. There are many aspects of that. I am teaching them wrong from right, not only teaching but emulating. I am going to provide accountability and discipline for when their behaviors warrant that. I’m going to ensure they understand what they SHOULD do and things they should avoid.

It doesn’t stop there though. If I were to ONLY stress the rules and the accountability, if I were only ever an authoritarian, if I only ever focused on chastising my children for what they did incorrectly or what wasn’t pleasing about their behavior, we would have a really poor relationship.

On the other side of that coin, I have always spent time getting to know my children. I have spent time learning their personalities, falling in love with their facial expressions, watching how they interact with one another and friends and the world, picking up the little things that make them them. Learning their hearts and championing how they apply themselves in all that they do.

I’d even argue that I did the latter first. I fell in love with them much more quickly than I disciplined them. Each time I rocked them, fed them, cared for them, watched their tiny faces as they slept, held their little hands. I fell in love with them and held them so close, knowing they were precious.

Just as I can’t only approach my children with the legalistic pieces, I can’t only love them. I can’t only focus on how in love I am and completely throw shaping them and setting boundaries to the wayside. I must have both.

I must both fall in love with them AND be willing to discipline them BECAUSE I love them. We need both sides.

Now, let’s look at how that compares to our spiritual relationship with our Father.

I accepted the Lord into my heart when I was 5. I remember praying that prayer and being so excited that this Jesus I’d heard so much about was coming to be part of my life. I fell in love with Jesus and loved to hear stories about him and his attributes. Loved to hear about his relationships with others. Loved to praise him and spend time in worship, even at that age.

And he loved me right back. Unconditionally. Every day. Exactly where I was.

Along with learning his attributes, I also learned his commandments and what it meant to be in covenant with God. I learned what grieved his heart and what held potential to separate me from him.

Because I loved HIM, I wanted to follow him. I wanted to align myself to his heart. Because he LOVED me, he wanted me to know what was acceptable and right so I could spend eternity with him. He not only wants to know us but for us to know HIM. He wants us to come to him and share our hearts and for us to seek time to know his. He isn’t a God in the sky waiting with a red pen to mark our mistakes against us. The same way I discipline my children because I love them, the same way I have rules in place to protect them, we must also govern ourselves to his commandments, as Christians. But it isn’t just about the “law.”

We need both halves of that coin.

If Christians become solely focused on the rules, the laws, the regulations…they will lose their love. Likewise, if they become solely focused on the love of God that is all encompassing, they lose sight of what God’s heart is – which is to have a relationship with us so that we spend eternity with him.

Relationship requires both covenant and personal connection. We need the legality/covenant portion AND we need the personal aspects. Without them, we cannot truly understand what it is to love one another.

Just food for thought! ❤ Teresa

I have always been an encourager. I am a “Mama” not only because I have birthed children but because from the time I was small, I’ve always been drawn to care for others. Throughout my life this has manifested in different ways.

I love people who are dear to me with my whole heart. I want to know how you’re doing, I want to ask the hard questions, I will feed you (dinner, snacks, random baked goods), I’ll randomly send you texts/cards/letters and let you know how much you mean to me on a random Tuesday, and I’m a hugger all day. I show up in “Mom” ways because it’s just how I’m wired.

I’ve also always strived to be an includer. I try and pull people together and introduce them through conversation. I try and keep folks connected as much as I can (like the link between) so no one feels alone (this is likely also a Mom quality, I’m realizing as I type this out). I always feel the need to check in and make sure everyone around me is “okay.”

Lately it’s been difficult for me to pour out of myself but I also know that I need to. I don’t feel like me when I’m not encouraging others around me. I don’t feel like me when I’m not loving and supporting people who need that. At the same time, in this season of my life, I’ve been feeling almost as though I can’t do that for others right now. Some days I have felt that call to speak into someone but for the first time in my life, I’ve begun to second guess my worthiness to do that.

In every season of my life, I’ve always known there will be a testimony, a story to tell, on the other side that will encourage others. In the midst of that struggle and battle, it’s never easy to understand or to see where it’s headed. Without fail though, when I get where I’m going…there’s always someone who needs to hear about that journey and the Lord places them in my path to be encouraged and allow me to share.

I’ve lived my fair share of heart break and disappointment in my 37 years of life. I’ll say that this season is, by far, the most difficult season I’ve walked in yet. Many “new” territories to navigate:

– Learning who truly cares about me and having to accept that many in my former circle did not at the end of the day. Even if that means facing more incredible loss than I was prepared to.

– Having to acknowledge my failures and understand and accept my part in circumstances around me but also fearlessly accepting my imperfection and allowing myself to find the beauty in this aspect of my journey.

– Learning how to be a Mom without being a wife.

– Accepting that there have been and will continue to be things spoken and believed about me that aren’t based in truth and trusting that the Lord will sort it all out without my needing to “fix” it.

– Finding how I fit into ministry at this stage of my life and allowing the Holy Spirit to continuously remind me of who I am and that I am incredibly loved by my Father.

– Navigating how to enjoy my own company and remind myself of all of the positive things I do still have to contribute to those around me.

– Forgiving even when there isn’t acknowledgement or repentance and understanding the greatest gift I can give to myself is releasing anger and not allowing bitterness to form.

– Allowing the Lord to remind me that I can’t hide. I can’t withdraw. There’s still work to do and I still have a calling to walk in.

At the end of the day, I wish I could say I’m consistently excelling in all of these areas. I’d love to be able to declare I’m navigating this season of life beautifully. The reality is that some days are better than others and some days are just messy. Every day is one day closer to healing and continuing to press into all the Lord has for me. Every day is a reminder that I’m not where I was.

I’m here.

I’m breathing.

I’m alive.

♥️ Teresa

Hi. I’m Teresa and I sometimes struggle with unworthiness.

Unworthiness became a part of who I was at a young age. Born from childhood trauma tied around fighting for notoriety in a household of two parents facing their own struggles and not knowing how that impacted my brothers and I (each of us differently).

I can remember being as young as 7-8 years old and looking for ways I could position myself favorably to get words of affirmation from others. At that age, I became a “teacher’s pet” because THAT was a more consistent avenue of acknowledgement and hugs.

As I have grown older, I have learned a lot about where those feelings come from, what triggered them, and how to shut them down.

I’ve learned where my worth comes from. I’ve learned that unworthiness is a lie straight from the pit of hell to distract me from my calling. I’ve learned that if I refuse to identify and deal with what is driving that flare up, it will get worse and turn into something bigger.

And yet, there are still times when I find myself in that spiral of not feeling “enough.” In spite of KNOWING all of the things I’ve mentioned.

I saw a meme a few weeks ago that referenced Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages and said that when you’re not in a good mental health state, you will sabotage yourself in your own love language. So…I have two. Mine are tied for Words of Affirmation (surprise surprise) and Acts of Service. According to this meme, your self sabotage for Words of Affirmation is negative self talk/dialogue (✅) and for Acts of Service is procrastinating tasks or chores that help you stay focused (✅).

Right now my house is a mess, y’all. Don’t panic…I’m not going to be showcased on hoarders and there are no pests packing up and moving in, but my usual order is currently chaos. Also, my inner self dialogue has been a struggle to keep in check lately and Ive found myself feeling very undeserving of some really great things happening in my life. Not because I’m ungrateful for them but because I sometimes spend my time waiting on “the bad thing” to happen.

Two weeks ago, I was jotting down thoughts in my “get out of my head” notebook (ask me about this is you want to know what this means) and I recognized it as a spiral piece. I immediately said “I need to change my perspective.” I started sifting through, looking for the root of that mess so I could pull it out (“pluck out the root, destroy the fruit” as my good friend Dena always says).

Here I am, two weeks later, writing about this because I’ve always found that sharing my testimony and struggles is 1) a gift I have and 2) the fastest path to accountability and freedom.

I’m usually joyful. I’m usually encouraging. I’m usually kind and compassionate. When my focus shifts and I’m in this type of mindset, the source of those things isn’t the Lord. When he isn’t in it, y’all…it don’t work. 😬

I have felt my Father reminding and nudging me to use my voice. Speak up to those around me when I notice something or feel gratitude for them (even if it’s small and I think it won’t matter). Share that nice thing you’ve been thinking but haven’t shared with your friend. I’ve even got some new ministry ideas for 2022 that I’m planning to implement birthed from this place.

Tonight, a very dear sister in Christ tagged me in a social media post with a reminder from a word I spoke last year about how we talk to ourselves. Isn’t it funny how the Lord sends people to remind you of things you already know when you need to hear them?

Last but not least, I want to leave on a quote from Lisa Bevere that made me cry tonight. I screenshot this last month and completely forgot about it until I was looking for a photo tonight. It said “I am strong because I am His daughter. I am not a second thought; I am His first love.”

If you’re feeling unworthy or less than tonight, let me just tell you…that isn’t true.

YOU are made strong. YOU are chosen (and handpicked even, not out of obligation). YOU are loved. YOU are enough. ❤️

This is something that’s been kicking around in my spirit. I don’t know if it will be published or just for me to get out of my head. I guess it will depend on where this lands.

I’ve been working for my current employer for (almost) five years. In those years I’ve held a few positions across different LOBs. I’ve worked under multiple Supervisors, some great leaders and others who were finding their way. I’ve been a good boss to some folks but also own that I was less than stellar when I first promoted and was finding MY own way. (If you’re reading this and fall into that latter category, I apologize sincerely).

I’ve been able to impact many people through my various roles and involvements (not always positively, admittedly, but I’ve worked diligently in that regard and recognize the amount of growth I’ve had). Nevertheless, in each role I’ve held, I’ve been in the position to influence others daily.

Looking back on my childhood and young adult years, I can see the hand of God working in my life. I’ve been able to see (in hindsight) my Father has often spared me from situations and/or relationships that I thought made sense at the time. I’m forever grateful for his involvement and faithfulness to me.

In regards to my current life focuses, there have been some points of frustration in my five year journey. Things have been shared by others about me or branded toward me unfairly and inaccurately. Things I’ve worked very diligently to disprove in time. I’ve always believed that my hard work and dedication to my role and company would eventually show the truth.

Naturally, along this path, I’ve had goals to expand my career path and promote further. Knowing that self-awareness and growth are crucial, I often:

1. Reflect on what I’m currently doing

2. Set my next goal

3. Adjust course accordingly

4. Full speed ahead until I meet said goal

5. Realign. Rinse. Repeat.

I’ve interviewed for many positions in my search for further advancement. I’ve taken on new roles and been advised by supervisors that I “meet or exceed expectations” in ranking. I’ve spent hours looking for ways to help others around me. I’ve implemented new things to solve for issues. I’ve reimagined old processes. I’ve studied trends and impacts to help formulate new plans. I’ve done a lot BUT it always seems that the thing I desire isn’t mine to achieve.

This verse from Proverbs has been popping up for me more and more often. “Many are the plans in a man’s heart but it is the Lord’s purpose that will prevail.”-Proverbs 19:21

I’ve begun to reflect on obstacles I face but can’t name, see, or seem to overcome. Things that don’t make sense or seem misaligned. I’ve noticed that the harder I try to reach this goal, the more I seem to hit these hidden pieces. If you have ever faced something and no matter how hard you worked, how much you poured in, how many hours spent, etc., you felt you just couldn’t seem to make headway…you will understand what I’m saying here.

I say all of these things leading up to this because I’ve come to the realization that when my desires don’t line up with the plan for my life, they aren’t attainable. I can choose to expend all of myself to reach a goal that my Father may be shielding me from.

He knew that the place I’ve been over the last few years wouldn’t have been a good place for me to reach that goal. He knew that my tendency for taking on more than I should (but with good intentions) would not be good for me if given more responsibility. He knew that my chasing after and achieving an expanded work title would not sustain me on the path he has for me. He knew the plan all along. He still does. He’s still bringing me to that expected end and sees all of the pieces there.

Outside of work, I also serve in various ministries within my church. I was thinking about how differently I approach those places. Do you know what the difference is? When I’m serving in ministry, it doesn’t bother me if no one acknowledges or appreciates the hard work that goes in. I’m not worried about where my next “promotion” in the Kingdom will be. I’m not focusing on what other positions I can achieve at all. My only focus is on the Kingdom and being available and obedient. To serve joyfully with my whole heart, allowing my Father to use me. It’s not about me.

Now, am I saying that promotions at work are evil? Not at all. Am I saying that working in the corporate world is not something you can do and serve God? Again, not at all.

To be clear, my motives for doing what I do haven’t been to position myself for advancement in my work place because I truly genuinely enjoy helping others and investing in them. However, I’ve been increasingly frustrated with my inability to achieve something that I’m working so hard toward. I’ve allowed myself to tie so much of who I “am” into my inability to be recognized/appreciated by Sr leaders at my place of employment. I’m doing so, I’ve belittled the many people I have touched and impacted in exchange for what I believe I’m not achieving.

I don’t believe that the plan over my life has anything to do with my “grand” work achievements. I don’t believe that having an additional title increases my ability to be used in the Kingdom.

I do believe that I should do all things as if unto the Lord (and that includes not grumbling about the pieces I feel aren’t up to the plans I have for me). I do believe that the word of the Lord will always prevail and that exhausting myself to disprove someone’s opinion is actually counter productive. I do believe that there is no title here on this Earth that compares with what my Father says about me.

I can recognize that these things I’ve not “achieved” have been the hand of my Father sparing me. Sparing me from things of little importance that would only have increased in consuming my time had they been granted in my time table.

I can recognize that my Father, who loves me, wants so much more for me than what I can ask or think. I can recognize that the season of storm I’ve faced for quite some time now feels as though it is nearing an end and I know there is a morning coming. I’m choosing to acknowledge that I don’t have the answers. I don’t know what is best for me. I need my Father to line my path out and direct my steps for sure.

I’m thankful for a Father who loves me too much to waste my time. A Father who reminds me of who I am. A Father who speaks to my heart gently and nudges me toward my expected end.

What does all of this mean for me? A shift in perspective. An aligning of my Kingdom mindset to my work life. A shifting in focus to ensure that all I’m chasing after, what I most desire, all my whole fruits are going toward aligning my heart to my Father’s and that my greatest impact is truly my most intentional focus. ❤️

Sometimes my Father speaks to me in the midst of a struggle. Sometimes he quiets me. Sometimes he reinforces me. Sometimes he encourages me.

Other times he speaks to me before I go into a battle, almost like a warning. Those always feel different. They’re more somber words. More heavily laid out in my spirit. Words that I meditate on.

I’m a very transparent person in that I believe in speaking up and being honest. I don’t see much need in hiding things or attempting to impress folks. Not much point in that mess, in my opinion.

I share lots of things about myself. I have a complex testimony that I speak out about quite often.

Sometimes, though, I’m facing something that requires me to be still. Requires me to be quiet. It’s not something that I should share with others yet. I’m not talking isolation from others, just that I’m partnering with my Father and allowing HIM to be my strength in the battle.

Sometimes we may face things that are heartbreaking. Things that shake us to our very cores. Things that make us look at ourselves very closely and reflect on what we see manifested there.

Now, when we find ourselves in those situations…what we do and who we trust are both important. I’m learning that not everything can or should be shared. Sometimes the Holy Spirit quiets my mouth. Sometimes my Father speaks to my heart and reminds me of a few things.

Last week was one of those times.

I woke up and almost immediately had a word in my heart. “You cannot seek wise council amongst the wicked”

The more I’ve mediated on this word, the more meaning it’s developed.

Who we trust, matters. Who we share our hearts and souls with, matter. Not everyone has your best intention at heart. Not everyone will seek out the opportunity to help you be best heard, understood, and represented. If you are seeking “wise council,” that aligns with the heart of your Father, consider the source of who you’re seeking that from.

A person who doesn’t dwell within the spirit of our Father can’t provide me with reinforcemenf from his Word or reply with discernment manifest only within those aligned to the Father’s heart.

As my last couple of weeks are playing out more and more, I’ve been withdrawing from outside sources and working on focusing on hearing intently from my Father.

I’m so grateful for that still small voice that speaks and reassures. Grateful for redirection. Grateful for peace, direction, and purpose. Thankful for knowing that even when things don’t look like what I thought they would, when doors that seemingly should open don’t quite make it, I’m glad I’m not in control. I know I just make a mess of things.

❤️

“You have not because you ask not”

These are the words the Lord dropped in my spirit a few weeks ago.

Immediately, I started wondering what I was missing. What did I not have? What had I refrained from asking for? Wasn’t I already participating in an open communication with my Father?

As I prayed over the next week or so, I started noticing: I talk through how I’m feeling, I share how much I want to x, y, z, I pray over my kids/husband/family/friends/job—speaking things over each area.

I don’t ask. While I was expressing my desire to be aligned to the heart of my Father, I never expressly asked for that freedom to move into place in my life. While I prayed my children have provision, protection, relationship with Him, I never expressly asked for anything.

Then I began to wonder why do I not ask?

It’s not that I’m fearful. It’s not that I’m entitled and approaching from a sense of entitlement either.

I didn’t ask because I’ve equated asking to having a lack of faith. I’ve adopted “call things as though they were” as my only battle strategy.

Hear me out, we definitely need to speak in faith and stand firm in that and speak to our mountains. I’m not negating that at all BUT that can’t be all that we do.

Think of it in terms of having to have more than one play in a ball game or more than one tool to build a home.

We have to know WHEN calling something as though it were is required and when we just need to go to our Heavenly Father and ASK him for something.

He’s the King of Kings. He literally created and commands everything in existence. WHY in the world would I, as his beloved child, not feel like I can come to him and ask for what I need.

You want to know a (not so secret) secret? He already knows. He knows your heart. He knows your desires. He knows your insecurities. He knows every thought you have. He’s just waiting on you to ask him to be part of it.

“You do not have because you do not ask.”

You need a new job, car, idea, motivation, opportunity, (fill in your blank here)? Ask him. The closer we are to his heart, the more our asks align with HIS heart.

Sometimes there are things that don’t work out the way we had planned. You may love something and put your full effort into making it something you’re proud of, just to have someone else disregard everything you’ve done or worked for. You may make the right arguments and still yet be dismissed as if you had never spoken up. You may find that, despite countless hours of your own personal sacrifice, others find you irrelevant.

I am in a season of pressing. A season of pressure. A season when, despite every best effort I make, I can’t quite get what I need. A season of feeling displaced and under valued. A season of prayer and intercession for making certain I’m truly operating on “less of me” and at the “removal of myself.”

This season is hard. This season is exhausting. This season is trying and seemingly non-stop.

My feelings have been hurt and I’ve pressed on. I have been discarded without care but I’ve kept going. I have had people I once respected show a complete disregard for and toward me. I’ve had the opportunity, multiple times, to believe someone’s actions when they showed that they hold no value for me or what I contribute to a situation but have continued in hopes that I’m incorrect.

I’ve literally come to the end of myself.

Do you know what I have found here? In this place where I can no longer support myself. In this place where I truly have no more effort left to give?

I’ve found my Father who has whispered to me that despite all I’m enduring, I am not alone. I’ve found the Holy Spirit who has wrapped his arms around me and allowed me to cry and grieve all of these pieces. I have found the hope and promise that there is joy that comes in the morning and I’m just waiting for my dawn. I have found that my Father, who knows me better than anyone else, will always remind me of who I am.

I’ve been reminded that my calling isn’t tied to anything about ME but it’s tied instead to who HE is. I’ve found that the greatest impact I have has nothing to do with what I DO but instead who I AM and where I allow the Lord to move freely.

I’ve been reminded that my Father loves me beyond all comprehension. That he will fight for me far more efficiently than I ever could but I have to turn that loose and allow him to.

I’ve found that I am broken. Not in a way that means I’m less valuable but in a way that means I can’t do anything on my own and the more I try to, the worse that may turn out.

I’ve been reminded of that voice and discernment that I’ve carried since I was a small girl. How the Lord will instill in me all of the things he wishes to and doesn’t need to invoke anyone else to do so.

Tonight during worship, I began to weep on stage as I should have been singing. The Lord has been whispering to me for months now. Reminding me. Preparing me.

From the season of crushing, new wine comes forth. From the season of travail, new life is birthed.

My Heavenly Father is my source, my strength, my restoration, my helper, my present help, my rock to cling to, my mover of mountains, my potter, my author, my finisher, my breaker of chains. He goes before me, he walks beside me, he goes behind me. He’s here and he’s moving.

Growing up, I loved hard and with everything I had. My daughter reminds me so much of myself in that regard. She approaches things with caution but once she determines she’s safe, she is all in. For me, I was all in, all the time. Friends, family, mentors, anyone I was close to.

Eventually, through a series of personally heartbreaking events, I began guarding myself more and more. I came to believe that anyone I loved would choose to leave me. In my mind, this was equated to my being unworthy, unloveable, and less than.

Ultimately, my belief that I was undeserving meant that I developed a drive to be the most impressive I could be. If I could prove myself an asset, if I could achieve enough for others to see how “good” I was, I would surely eventually be worth loving, right?

The problem with finding a “solution” that isn’t actually fixing the root of the problem is that no matter how much you do, despite how much you “achieve,” at the root of those feelings there is still a problem. No amount of achievement changes that.

No matter how many people tell me how deserving I am, I still don’t always believe it. There is always that drive reminding me that I am “not enough.” Lying over and over to keep my mind reeling around all of the “less than” portions that I carry.

I’ve had a revelation lately that I don’t know how to let people love me.

I don’t trust people easily. I don’t let people in often. I have been known to isolate myself when I’m dealing with something difficult because I struggle with the feeling I may burden someone else (who is too kind to tell me the truth of not really wanting to know these things I’m sharing). My mind processes information a little differently. Sometimes I need the alone time to form opinions and have an understanding of my feelings toward something. I’ve had to learn that it’s okay for me to need that time but eventually, that time has to end. Eventually, there has to be a period in which I allow someone else to bear my burden with me.

I have a few people that I allow to see all of my pieces. I call them my cat circle and I’m grateful for the vulnerability each of those folks allow me to have with them. These people are the people I know to be honest and trustworthy. Good folks to put faith in, that I can invest in without fear of “scaring” them away. They endure alongside with me. I’m so grateful for each of them.

I’m also grateful for a Heavenly Father, who reminds me often that just because I’ve accepted something as “true” doesn’t make it “truth.” Only Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. I am unable to define myself outside of him. My very identity is IN him.

Some times are harder than others and I find that the enemy works diligently to remind me of everything I’m “not.” He works to try and trap me in believing that everything I’ve chosen poorly, every lie he’s fed me, that feeling of unworthiness and the fear lingering near it is my true identity.

My Father always wraps his arms around me and reminds me that I’m his beloved. That he formed me, he knit my innermost pieces together. Before a single person on this Earth even knew my name, HE knew me. HE loved me. HE chose me.

Sometimes seasons of our life can be frustrating.

I’m the type of person that always strives to put my best foot forward. I place so much pressure on myself to be the best I can be. Recently, I’ve been made aware of a few things in my working life that are untrue and have been difficult for me to process because I feel misrepresented.

There are so many pieces right now that I just sit and stare at and know they’re “wrong.” Know that I don’t feel seen or appreciated in these areas. I’ve spent many moments in prayer lately when I’m thankful that my Father knows the words I can’t articulate.

I went into this past weekend with so much frustration and was just flat out not happy. I was angry. I felt that things happening around me weren’t fair and should have been handled much differently than they were.

My Saturday wasn’t what I thought it would be. I wrote an appointment down wrong and didn’t have a chance to do something I was expecting. However, the time back meant when a friend messaged and asked me to bring myself and my daughter to an impromptu lunch date, I could say yes. I’m thankful for that time.

Yesterday began as most Sundays in our home; each of us running around trying to make sure everyone is ready on time to make it to the services my husband and I serve in with our brothers and sisters in ministry.

One of our Pastors brought a great word and the Lord gently nudged me toward a few things. Naturally, I like to write these pieces down and share with anyone who just so happens to stumble upon this blog of mine.

When we are so frustrated with things in life that “aren’t fair,” things that we “deserve better than.” Things that make that big “I” inside of you take offense and rise up, the problem is that there is so much “I” living inside of that situation. That’s not to say that the Lord doesn’t go before us and want us to have the best opportunity that places us where he’s designed for us to go…it just means when there’s so much of “me” hanging out, there’s a lot less room for Him.

For weeks, I’ve been praying over a different situation in my life. Praying for the Lord to remove all parts of me from that situation and direct my steps. What I failed to recognize was that in praying that in earnest, I have to remember I don’t limit God. When I’m praying “show me the places where there’s too much me” means that he will do that in all of the areas I’m involved in. It doesn’t change the frustration of a situation but it changes how I look at it.

“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.”
‭‭Colossians‬ ‭3:23-24‬ ‭ESV‬‬

THAT scripture was in the passage I “randomly” selected to read this evening. Talk about a reality check.

When I’m so wrapped up in how these pieces are “wrong” and “unfair,” is my behavior aligned with what it should be? (Fun fact: the answer is no). When I’m feeling like I “deserve” to be treated more fairly than what I’m seeing or facing, and I’m using my voice to express these frustrations, am I working for the honor of my Father or myself (man and approval of man)?

You may not be able to change the situation you’re frustrated with but you can change your perspective and how you approach it and, many times, THAT can make all the difference!