Of late, I can feel changes in myself and in my surroundings. I haven’t really been able to place my finger on it, the best word I can use to describe it is a shifting. I’ve felt it in my work life, my home life, and even my spiritual life.

Operating out of your gifting can sometimes be a scary place when you’ve not accepted the freedom that God has given you to walk in those places. As I’ve often shared, singing has always been a place that is hard for me to step out. For the last year and a half, that has been a place that God has begun drawing me out in, however. I began by volunteering to sing on our adult worship team in our church (my first step in being obedient to the drawing of the Lord). For nearly a year, I was just singing there but then God began dealing with me about not only operating in my gift but operating in boldness as well (because I shied away from direct recognition in that area—I was holding a microphone and singing enough to help but not enough to be heard).

A leader in our church (and now friend of mine) came to me and asked me to sing for a small group ministry that she runs around this same time. I immediately told her I would and my husband and I began attending this ministry to help with music but also began to get involved there. God has really been growing both Mike and myself through this ministry program and we have both recently graduated into the leadership program there. I continue to assist the worship leader with music there periodically but the Lord has continued to draw me out.

Recently, I was asked to sing a solo verse on our worship team for the first time. I agreed (again, obedience to what I know God is doing in my life) but immediately began to deal with the insecurities that have attacked that area of my ministry my entire life. I have two wonderful friends (who are also members of our worship team and are aware of my struggle here) who are faithful to remind me that God has called me to more than I could do on my own and receiving/accepting that calling and being obedient to allow him to work through me isn’t about me but about my obedience to him.

Let me tell y’all something I’ve learned, when we are faithful to let go of all that junk we carry–the fear, the insecurity, the unworthiness, the shame, the JUNK—God begins to strengthen us in the places he’s already equipped us in. You see, there are gifts and places of ministry that God has placed within you even before you were known to anyone other than him. These are places that God wants to birth forth ministry and use you to walk in the power and authority only you can in that area of ministry. Satan also recognizes  these areas that would be a threat to him and he works through fear and insecurity to attempt to keep us from stepping into these roles. The enemy knows that when we recognize our gifts aren’t for ourselves but for the glory of God, to be used by God when we are faithful to yield our own selves to his purpose, we become a force against the very gates of Hell. When we surrender ourselves to the spirit of God and allow him to work in and through us, we can come under the anointing and can begin to reach people in a way that only God can do.

My challenge to you this very early morning is to think on this: what are you afraid of doing? What are you carrying around (junk) that God is whispering to you about? What areas are you withholding obedience to walk in?

There’s a song that I love right now called “Ain’t No Grave” that Bethel music put out on their last album (it’s adapted from an old time hymnal type song). It discusses how shame is a prison, Satan is a liar, and declares that no grave can hold us down. Before, when I’ve heard the original version, I’ve always thought about no grave holding people down as a declaration for eternity with the Lord once Jesus returns. Now, with this adapted version, the Lord has spoken to me over and over again about how we place ourselves inside “graves” of isolation (fear, insecurity, unworthiness, shame, self-loathing, etc) and allow the enemy to hold us captive there by accepting his lies over ourselves instead of speaking the truth of who/what God says we are. I love this song because it declares “There ain’t no grave gonna hold my body down.” I’ve allowed that to become a declaration in my own life because each time a fear or insecurity attempts to quell me walking in what I now accept as a gifting from God, I can speak to it with authority of knowing who God says I am. My favorite line is “If you walked out of the grave, I’m walking too.” You see, we know that Jesus rose from his literal grave on the third day. He got up, took authority over the “captors” of death and the grave, and WALKED out. We can do this in our spiritual lives too.

If you’re not walking in an area that you should be, if you’re held captive by something that is a “grave” in your life, take authority over those things in the name of Jesus and WALK out of that grave. Declare victory in the name of Jesus and stand on the promises the word of God provides us. I promise you, you will never be disappointed when you do.

This is a copied and pasted version of a blog post I wrote in 7/26/17. Still seems relevant!
​“You suck at your job” “You can’t do this as good as [person A, B, C]” “Everyone has been chosen over you“…

What do all of these have in common? They’re all things that have gone through my head today. I work in a very fast paced and stressful environment. I work in middle management and while I love my comrades, often am discouraged by things that go on around me. Some days hit me harder than others, some are draining and leave me dreading the next, some days are fun. I have a great group of folks working for me and that helps. Today I came home feeling defeated and as though I’m struggling to stay above water.

Have you ever had a situation that often left you exhausted from treading the water. Leaves you exhausted from trying to make everything your own? You know, you look it in the face and immediately see the size of that mountain and just feel overwhelmed?

You know what’s funny…no matter how many times I’ve learned over the years that God is my refuge, I still struggle to remember initially that I’m not designed to fix things. I’m a fixer. I like to improve, organize, analyze, find solutions. I’m typically pretty good at it, it’s what got me into this job gig in the first place. So when I get to the end of the rope I’ve provided myself, I (more often than I’d like to admit) work myself into exhaustion attempting to find the next step.

As I sat on my couch tonight, working from home while my family sleeps, my bible app popped up with the verse of the day. I just smiled because not 5 minutes before, I’d been having the thoughts at the top of this post. My screen read: Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” It doesn’t say “I can do the things I’m good at as long as I keep my head above water” or “I can keep going as long as I don’t let myself fail” or “I have to be just like person A,B,C if I want to succeed.” It says I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.

We often focus on that “all things” part. Yeah buddy, I can do ALL things! Woo! If we focus there, we miss the greatest part. I can do all things, yes, but “through Christ who strengthens me.” You know what that spoke to my tonight? Stop it. Stop it right now. Stop trying to make yourself succeed. Stop trying to be enough to sustain. Stop trying to make a difference at the expense of yourself. I can’t do it. I can’t do all things through the sheer will power of my stubbornness. I can only do all things through the strength of Christ.

Isn’t it great how God drops nuggets of wisdom when you’re struggling? He loves us so much. We are his babies and he cares for us. He doesn’t want me talking poorly about myself or feeling as though I’m inadequate. He sees me. He knows I’m fearfully and wonderfully made, called with a purpose. He also knows I sometimes (often times) lose sight of that. I’m so glad God doesn’t deal with me the way I deal with me. 😀

I sometimes go through periods when I’m hyper aware of myself and my interactions with other peoole. When I have these moments,it’s often exhausting and my emotions run raw. I have to be very careful with how I carry these moments because it’s easy to slide from self awareness to self condemning. 

I know that the battle we fight isn’t against flesh and blood. I also  know that the battlefield isn’t physical but it’s definitely in the mind. If I give one incorrect thought room to take root in my mind, it can become something that takes root in my heart. A couple of years ago, I spoke at a small ladies event at our church and spoke on a verse in Proverbs that warns that as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. I love to use illustrations as the Lord speaks to me often with a visual as well. Morning glories are what came to mind. From the outside, morning glories are pretty, they bloom in the sunlight, they spread out across landscapes easily. Upon closer inspection, one will realize these are weeds. They’re a vine type plant, they intertwine themselves through healthy, growing plants and wrap themselves over and over very tightly in a suffocating fashion. They take over. What they appear at first glance is not what is actually happening underneath.

This is true of our thoughts that don’t uphold the Word of God and his calling in our lives. We sometimes entertain a series of thoughts about ourselves that the enemy places to cause dissension or distract us away from what God is doing or wanting to do.My struggle comes with my own worthiness or qualification across a span of different things. This is something the Lord has been dealing with in me and working to remove by the root. 

There are morning glories in my own spiritual garden that have choked the life from things I should have protected and nurtured and allowed God to water and grow. The beauty is that God is a master gardener. He knows just how to remove the things that need pruning and being new life to things that need reviving. 

God has brought me to a place where I’m learning things about myself and has brought attention to parts of me that need refinement. My friend Dena says “dig up the root, destroy the fruit.” I’m learning the origin places of some things that are rooted within myself so that I can allow God to heal those parts and move past them. It’s a constant action of casting down the thoughts I know do not align with what God says and actively refuting them daily, sometimes multiple times a day. Does this always happen? Nope, sometimes I fail or take longer than I should to recognize but I’m learning and I’m willing to continue learning and that’s an excellent starting point.

What do we miss when we stop operating in surrender? Have you ever stopped to think about that? If that sentence makes absolutely zero sense to you, let me expound.

 God so wants for us to operate in a realm of healing and wholeness. He knows what we need to get there and could very easily just reach down and fix it. However, he doesn’t force us into anything. While he wants these things for us, he wants us to want them for ourselves. Rather than force us into change that will result in healing, he awaits our surrender of the behavior of situation to allow him to orchestrate said change. 

Now, in my own life there have been times that I’m in a transitional place. A place in which the decisions I make today will either work for me or against me in the Kingdom. Have I always made the right choices? Nope. Sometimes I so desperately choose incorrectly that it’s as though I undo some of the painstaking hard work God has it in place (ie self sabotage). 

You know what I love about God? Even when we turn away. Even when we choose poorly. Even when we downright do the wrong thing. He never stands over us and scolds or looks for punishments to hand out. He loves us. He loves us so much that while he wants the best for us, he allows us to forge our own path.He wants our hearts to be so engulfed with his that the path we forge will be right along beside the path of his choosing. Yet when we choose poorly, he will wait for our recognition of our poor choices and then will help get us back where we need to be. 

If you find yourself in a place right now that you don’t recognize yourself and/or the surroundings that you have chosen…please know you can never be too far gone. You could never outrun the love of Jesus. If you’re thinking “You don’t understand what I’ve done. I need to get my life together first then I can come to church/Jesus” hear me right now: you are being lied to. God already knows. God already sees. He loves you in spite of your failures. You can’t fix you. Only he can. Trust me, I’ve done plenty. I’ve run my fair share. I’ve made some plain old dumb decisions. He loves me anyway. He loves you too. Let go. Turn it back over to God and acknowledge that he knows more than you and you don’t have it all together. Allow him to meet you right in your brokenness and begin to restore.

You know…I look around me and I see so many things about myself. A lot of times, depending on the day I’ve had, I view more negatives than positives. I am broken in many ways. I’m a Christian. I truly love God with my whole heart. I believe the Bible and what God tells me. I’ll pray for you. I’ll pray with you. I hear from Heaven. I feel God’s presence. I’ll sing a praise and worship song to the Lord in my car, at my desk at work, or on a stage when the spirit moves me to. Sometimes I look like I have my life together from the outside. I am broken. I lack perfection but often strive for it. I lack the grace to receive the same things I boldly declare over others. I sometimes get inside my own head and fight against what God is trying to do in my life. I say all of this because I believe there is a stigma tied around Christian people (that we’ve placed there ourselves). When you’re a Christian, you can’t fail. Your life can’t be messy. You have to hide all of the junk you carry. People can’t know you’re struggling…you have Jesus, that means you’re perfect now. You know what? That’s a lie. 100%. Becoming a Christian changes you, yes. Your focuses change, you are a new creation, you should strive to live in such a way that the Lord is at the center of your thoughts and your actions. Does that person at work suddenly stop driving you crazy? No. Do your thoughts immediately line up with the word of God and only consist of puppies and rainbows? No. Do you immediately have self-control and will never again struggle with anything, ever? No. Becoming a follower of Christ means that you now have access to the tools to handle those situations and so much more. It means that you’re connected with a Heavenly Father who loves you and wants you to succeed. A Father who sees your junk and waits for you to realize you shouldn’t be carrying that mess because as soon as you relinquish it to him, he trades praise for your heaviness, despair for peace, mourness for gladness, beauty for ashes, strength for fear. We simply have to acknowledge that we don’t have it all together. Let me tell you, if you’ve ever seen me/read my posts/heard me speak and thought “man…she’s got it together” let me tell you brothers/sisters be ye not deceived! I’m a hot mess more than I’m not. That’s okay. I’m learning every day. Learning more about God’s love and plan for my life, learning more about the freedom of surrender, learning more about the strength in bearing one another’s burdens, learning more about not standing in isolation because the enemy wants it that way (and will use the guise of you not burdening someone else with your problems to keep you there). The church was never meant to be a museum where we bring our friends and family to display ourselves in a pretty glass box. The church should be a place of brokenness together when the Lord is able to actively minister to hearts and minds without pride or fear interfering. God doesn’t desire for you to hide away your hurts and broken pieces for the cleaned up folks on Sundays. God designed us to each be pieces of the church, holding one another in place while the Holy Spirit applies the spiritual  glue to hold us all together. If you’re carrying something today and the weight of it is beginning to overload you, find a prayer partner. Ask the Lord to reveal someone to you who is trustworthy and you can bear your brokenness to. We were never meant to walk alone. If you’re guilty of tidying up the edges and corners to be certain only your best features are on display for everyone to see but inside you’re a wreck, step out of that comfort zone and allow yourself the freedom of coming clean. You’d be so surprised by the freedom that comes when we stop worrying about what so-and-so might think and start focusing on allowing God to heal our situations. If you can’t find a prayer partner or a listening ear of anonymity, give me a yell. I’ll keep your secrets (as long as they aren’t harmful to you or others—in those cases, I’m going to help you enlist the help you need).

Discernment.

Dictionary.com defines it as:
(noun):  the faculty of discerning; discrimination; acuteness of judgment 
and understanding.the act or an instance of discerning.

That’s well and good but we must know how to define discerning to have a full understanding. Back to dictionary.com:

discerning (adjective): good or outstanding judgment and understanding

As a Christian, spiritual discernment is a gift. Being able to sense shifts in the atmosphere and recognize things in others. Having a sensitivity to the Holy Spirit to understand situations and actions needed.

However, with discernment sometimes comes burden. For instance, I often get intuitive feelings when something is about to happen or when something isn’t right. When something is very impacting, these discernments are often enough to make me feel physically ill and I have to pray immediately. I don’t always know what they’re for.

The worst one I’ve had in my life came during my Probability and Statistics math lab my sophomore year in college. It was a Thursday and I had this nagging feeling that something was wrong. I ignored it until it escalated and I felt as though I may become physically ill. I left school and went home to pray and lie down. My older brother was killed in a car accident the following Saturday morning.

I believe that these are nudges the Holy Spirit uses to begin preparing me for something that is coming. I begin to pray in the Spirit and the Lord begins safe guarding me for what is to come. Losing my brother was tragic, he and I were extremely close. Had the Lord not begun ministering to me days before it happened, I’m not sure what change in me may have happened. I was placed on depression medication for a short period following his death because 7 months later, I was still not quite myself most of the time and I recognized that.

I had one of these feelings today at work so strong that I had to come home. I walked to my car and sat there and prayed for 45 minutes before I left to drive home. Today was different. You see, the Lord has been whispering to me in my quiet time to prepare me for something in my life. As we often do, I’ve been attempting to discredit that this could be true and that it’s more likely that my flesh is toying with me. Today, I received a message from a concerned friend that spoke confirmation into my spirit.

So, sometimes discernment is knowledge that can break you. Can shake you to the very heart of yourself. Sometimes you know something that no one knows you know and their charade continues until you’re released to acknowledge it. Obedience is key.

People love to quote that God will fight our battles if we only stay still. Or “vengeance is mine, saith the Lord.” When you’re in the fire, when you’re in the middle of this valley and you’re breaking…so many things go through your mind. Knowing that the Lord has me. Knowing that the fact that he loves me beyond all brokenness and will be faithful in this and through it to to the redemption. Knowing that I’m not alone, even in my knowing period.

While not all knowledge is good knowledge. Not all things I discern are good things. I know that God is doing a new thing. God takes each thing that is set to destroy me and turns it for good and not evil. God restores in abundance. If we but trust, his Word will not return void.